Let’s talk about pain

You are probably cringing right now and likely trying to find a way to escape. We all do it -- it’s human nature to not want to experience pain and discomfort.?

That said, we can no longer choose to turn a blind eye to the system-level suffering in ourselves, our organizations, and our society. The pain from personal loss in this devastating pandemic. The silent suffering from feeling alone and disconnected from others. The powerlessness from the climate realities that is impacting our lives and that of our children and grandchildren. Also, the societal pain that we have just begun unearthing from centuries of racism, inequalities, and “othering.” The truth is -- we all live in pain -- individual and collective pain -- as we try to navigate our lives the best we can.

Avoiding, brushing off, numbing, disguising pain are no longer viable strategies. We’ve carried pain and suffering alone for too long and they are festering within us, making us lash out in disruptive ways. They are immobilizing us and stopping us from being fully human.? They’ve turned us into aggressors who are in constant fight or flight mode to dominate others and protect our own interests. These disruptive behaviors do not have to be in ways that make the national news; rather, micro-actions such as self-blame, micro-aggressions, snarky comments, manipulations are all forms of defense. The avoidance of dealing with our own pain has reduced us to machines and shut us off from fully experiencing our lives and being in healthy relations with others.?

However, the story doesn’t have to end here -- if we have the will to face it head on. There is beauty in chaos and hope in demise. When we choose to acknowledge and process this pain and suffering, we will transform them into potential energy for something new.?

Ever since I was a little kid, I have been ‘gifted’ with the ability to sense the pain and suffering of others (even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like a gift.) In my early 30’s, the level of pain and suffering I felt became so palpable that I devoted myself to understand how I can be part of the solution in alleviating that in myself and others, starting from our workplaces-- where we all spend so much of our time and energy. For almost a decade now, I’ve been helping individuals and organizations establish a sense of clarity, empowerment, and anchoring-- in a rapidly changing time.

As a system change consultant, I use strategic planning as a tool to help teams develop and align around their own North Star. As an executive coach, I provide safe harbor for self-inquiry and help further capacity for personal development. As a facilitator, I help build bridges between disparate parts to create connectedness and clarity. My aspiration, life purpose, is to see organizations of all sizes and ambitions grow consciously and leaders of all types develop capacities to lead with foresight and intentionality. As the world we operate in gets exponentially complex, this becomes a lifeskill rather than a nice to have.

OK. Back to pain and suffering…. I know, you are still cringing …?

See, pain is not something to “get rid of” per se. The ancient wisdom of Buddhist philosophy suggests that pain is an inescapable truth, a part of life. However, happiness and freedom are also possible in spite of it -- or dare I say, because of it.?

We must be willing to acknowledge pain -- give it space, observe it, be a student of it -- so it can be transformed into something new. Whilst pain may be a necessary reality, suffering is the outcome of denial of pain.?As master pain avoiders, we try to get rid of pain with all sorts of temporary strategies -- ignoring, numbing, suffocating, acting out, transferring it onto others, etc. Just like the Corona virus and its variants, our individualistic way of dealing with our own pain is spreading and transmuting it into more powerful antigen for all.??

STRATEGIES IN WORKING WITH PAIN?

Lean into it. Starting with ourselves, then with others, asking:?

• Can I be with it without judging myself or others??
• What’s a productive way of moving through it??
• What wisdom/lesson does it have to offer??
• What is the source and the underlying root cause? (pain is a symptom signaling something under the surface…)

To help make it a little more tangible …?

In workplaces, acknowledgment of pain looks like:

• Recognizing the nonproductive frictions and committing to co-creating solutions to solve them
• Choosing to have difficult conversations with kindness
• Seeing and addressing what's underneath the surface that is creating the toxicity, rather than turning a blind eye

In leaders, acknowledgment of pain looks like:

• Managing our own self-doubts and feeling of inadequacy and irrelevance-- so that we can see the bigger picture and act with the interest of the whole
• Recognizing our own resistance to change and relinquish our fixation to control things and others?
• Trusting our own decisions -- even if they are tough and unpopular

In our society, acknowledgment of pain looks like:

• Relating to the suffering of others even if we do not think we have the capacity to do so
• Seeking to understand diverse perspectives -- even if some of which make us feel uncomfortable?
• Staying connected even when all we want to do is to retreat

In summary, pain can be a productive agent for change. The acknowledgement, resolution, and integration of pain can become a resource for our own and our collective development and advancement.

Let’s be creators and directors rather than bystanders?

David Bohm, a famous quantum physicist and ontological philosopher, showed us with his research that we are all parts of a whole. In other words, we are all contributors to the collective outcomes that we experience. To take that further, how we see and interpret our situation (and thus take actions based on those assumptions) foreshadows our future reality. If we label ourselves as victims of our circumstances, the odds are we become one. Let’s all be the directors of the movie we create, rather than a passive audience.