Let’s Talk Inclusive Language — Use inclusive language for holiday conversations

It’s the November issue of Let’s Talk Inclusive Language!

This column is a supplement to the Worthwhile Language newsletter, which comes out on the 15th of each month.

Have an inclusive language question? You can send it to [email protected] . All questions are anonymized.

As I was getting my mic in place, the reporter for KPIX CBS News Bay Area said,

“Here’s something I’m going to ask once we’re rolling. I’ve been thinking about the new conflict in the Middle East. And we’re rounding into the 2024 election season. So, there are going to be a lot of emotionally fraught and highly charged topics around us. Can we apply your principles of inclusive language to help us with these conversations ?”

I honestly wasn’t expecting this question — this was supposed to be a fluffy, “tell us about your book, local author!” kind of interview.

Luckily for us both, I had been spending the several days since October 7th thinking a lot about how inclusive language fits into a world of conflict.

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So, can we apply my principles of inclusive language to emotionally fraught and highly charged conversations?

Yes. Yes we can.

Although, let’s be honest — when people are deeply entrenched in a position, and are maybe filled with anger or fear or a dehumanizing kind of hate, then there is only so far a conversation involving a difference of opinion can go.

My principles of inclusive language can serve as guardrails for “dangerous” conversations. Especially because they use human behavior as a starting point rather than human identity.

Because identity is often not a practical starting place, especially since many people seem to be suffering from an empathy deficit for all kinds of non-dominant identities.

We are living in a time of extreme polarization and dehumanization. It shows up on social media, especially places like 4-chan and Gab. It shows up on broadcast and print media, especially outlets with a known political leaning or tabloid-style presentation. And it shows up in our everyday segregated world, which increasingly feels like a series of echo chambers.

The principles of inclusive language are designed to be depolarizing and rehumanizing.

Nudging us to focus on our common humanity and to share facts and histories and other perspectives with people who have been taught to see the world a different way.

Here in the US, the most common “dangerous” topics people have told me they’re worried about are:

1. The new and ongoing conflict between Israel and Hamas, especially when it comes to civilian casualties
2. Trump and the 2024 presidential election
3. The financial realities for people ~40 and under and how different they are for many people in older generations
4. The realities of gender beyond the binary (especially for newly out non-binary, transgender, or gender non-conforming people).

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The “safest” of these to talk about in newsletter form is #3, financial realities. So let’s see how the principles of inclusive language might help an American Thanksgiving conversation between, say, 30-year old Emily and her 65-year old Uncle Joseph.

?Let’s say Uncle Joseph has just hit a whole bunch of stress points with his (genuinely concerned) questions:

• Why isn’t Emily married yet to her long-time boyfriend?
• Why do they rent a tiny one bedroom instead of a owning a house?
• When will she have kids? Because time is running out.
• Why is she talking about her love of expensive coffee when that money should go into savings?
• Why are Millenials so financially irresponsible and afraid of life commitments?

At this point, Emily probably needs to take a deep breath. But she can then point out the ways that Uncle Joseph is violating the principles of inclusive language (without being explicit about what she is doing, for maximum effectiveness). I recommend moving back and forth between personal anecdotes and data — this is the strategy I use in my book to make it as convincing as possible to people coming in skeptical or at a starting point.

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Principle 1. Reflect reality.

• “Hey, Uncle Joseph, I’m not sure anyone has laid out for you the financial realities for my generation.”
• Then Emily can tell a story about financial stress and lay out some facts about 2023 realities vs. 1993 realities.

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Principle 4. Incorporate other perspectives and Principle 5. Prevent erasure.

• “Uncle Joseph, let me tell you how it feels from my perspective. And incomplete reporting by the media doesn’t help. You might not realize…”
• This is another great place for an anecdote and some more facts.

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Principle 6. Recognize pain points.

• “Uncle Joseph, you might not understand how stressful and painful it is for me when you ask questions about finances that seem to assume that I’m lazy or clueless or have stupid priorities.”

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Principle 2. Show respect and Principle 3. Draw people in.

• “I think you might not understand how disrespectful your questions sound, and how you seem to not be thinking about what it’s like to be in my position. I treat you with respect, and I’d appreciate the same.”

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A few more tips:

1. Be as granular and specific as possible and avoid labels (such as a political party or a generation name). The more you can talk about a specific person (yourself, a friend) without frontloading the identity categories they belong to, the better chance you have of creating an empathetic connection.
2. Avoid using language with the “flavor” of social justice. Emily may be comfortable using terms like privilege and marginalization and oppression and equity and intersectionality with her friends, and maybe even at work. But these are in-group terms that usually do not land well with people who are not in the in-group. Using more basic and relatable terms can really help, for example: opportunities and disrespect and my experience and multiple factors.

There is a decent chance that Uncle Joseph will not accept any dissent or critical feedback from someone younger than him. For some people, “respect” is unilateral, and only goes upward to the person with more power or authority or age.?

If that’s the case, then Emily’s only real recourse is to draw a healthy boundary and say something like, “It looks like finances are something we can’t discuss productively, so I won’t be talking about them at all with you.”?

When it comes to more fraught topics, like problematic behavior and violence in the Middle East, Trump and the American alt-right, and LGBTQ+ people, especially transgender people, there is an excellent chance that a conversation can only go so far.?

How much education and intellectual labor and emotional labor are you obligated to do with someone who doesn’t believe that members of a certain group are fully human? Who doesn’t believe that they deserve all the respect and entitlements of full personhood??

This is an excellent question, and one everyone needs to decide for themselves. My one last piece of advice is that if you are a member of a group that is a target of bias, it may be too much for you to advocate for yourself and your group. For your own mental and physical health, it’s probably better to let someone else advocate and educate (this is where ally work is especially useful!), or to just remove yourself from the conversation.

Your health and your safety come first.?

I wish you the best of luck with your holiday gatherings, family gatherings, and conversations with friends who hold a position that is different from your own.

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Want more?

Would you like an inclusive language toolkit that lets you or your team feel more informed and more confident?

You can order my book , The Inclusive Language Field Guide, available everywhere books are sold. It is a paperback, an e-book, and an audiobook.

And you can book me for a keynote or workshop on inclusive language. Talks and trainings are always customized, with a focus on the high-impact changes most relevant to attendees.

I also run inclusive language audits of materials from websites to marketing campaigns to news articles.

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