Let's talk about grief...

Before I start, this article is my very personal, honest reflection and experience of grief including caring/managing terminal illness for which I make no apology. However, it does come with a trigger warning and it is a subject that is not easily talked about, almost always whispered about as if with some shame or embarrassment. I wrote it on the understanding that some people might find it difficult to read right now but in the hope it might help some people and organisations think about this subject.

Grief for me is a club that no one asked to join but once they do, they are bonded to others and to their own self in a unique and transformational way. My Dad died 13 years ago. He was diagnosed with Sarcoma a year and a half prior and went through rounds of surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy and whilst we knew from day one, it was terminal and uncurable, he was able to lead a relatively healthy life for the majority of that period.

Watching him die was the most traumatic, life changing experience, something I, of course, was not/could not be prepared for. When he died, my heart broke… I felt unanchored, desperately sad and lost. I, like many, threw myself into funeral arrangements and then solidly into my work as I felt I needed to “get back to normal”. Three months later, I arrived at work one morning, started to cry… and couldn’t stop.

I effectively signed myself off with the blessing of a senior HR colleague and friend and was then subsequently signed off for a further 2 weeks by my GP. Whilst I was fortunate enough that my employer was supportive of that time out, it was very challenging for me to disconnect from the day to day and to have faith that I would come back stronger and that my career would still grow and thrive. It just wasn’t the norm and, at a time when I felt so very lost, work was the one thing I thought I could rely on to pull me back - I am good at my job, I love what I do and I work with amazing lovely people… All true, of course, and so many of my friends and colleagues supported me through that but I did experience a variety of reactions and responses during that time. “Why would you do that [take time out]?”, ?“Surely you need to get back on the horse?”, “When I lost my parent, I [insert advice along the lines of they did the opposite]”. “What you should do is [insert very wise but general advice]”, or worse still the dreaded awkward silence and a pitying look

People who know me, know I wear my heart on my sleeve and as I have got older , if anything, have doubled down on my belief that talking is powerful and very much part of healing. Talking is not easy for everyone, being vulnerable even less so. So, why should we as companies, colleagues, friends, humans support those around us when someone they love is terminally ill and then dies and how can we do that?

For me, the answer to the first question, why, is simple. I am a believer in compassionate leadership. I fundamentally believe that being human and kind to people, making them feel safe and powerful, is my responsibility as a fellow human and more and more evidence is being presented on the true value of compassion and wellbeing of employees in the workplace.

Deloitte and McKinsey, amongst others, have recently published reports showing that companies emphasizing the value of prioritizing well-being and subsequently experiencing higher employee engagement and retention. ?There is growing belief of C-suite executives that linking bonuses and performance metrics to well-being outcomes could foster a healthier work environment and enhance trust between employees and management. More leaders are seeing the correlation between good holistic health/reducing burnout and sustained employee growth and better long-term performance for the company.

For me, talking about grief in the workplace is important for several reasons both personal and emotional. It is also (dare I say) commercially valuable. It provides emotional support, supports productivity and performance, builds workplace and employee relationships, facilitates management and leadership and most importantly, promotes normalisation and inclusivity and enhances communication. The list goes on…

Whether in the workplace or in daily life, open conversations about grief help normalise the experience and reduce the stigma associated with discussing personal loss at work. Particularly working in a creative environment, our role as People Professionals and as Managers is to create an inclusive environment where employees feel safe to bring their whole selves to work, including their experiences of grief.

It can be hard to support people with their mental health and with grief or any events that can result in unpredictable and overwhelming feelings and emotions. At a time where many of us are challenged with being more creative, more productive, more challenging of ourselves and yet perhaps with limited resources, making adjustments for those close to us who are struggling can feel impossible. In my experience, with the right humans, supportive values in place and trust and autonomy, it is amazing and beautiful what teams can, in fact, achieve both in terms of productivity and, more importantly, the impact they can make to someone struggling.

As I start to navigate that experience once again, I draw strength from my previous experience and look to turn this time into something productive and positive. So, although my response to this and to others going through grief feels very natural and obvious to me, I’ve been thinking about what businesses can do, if nothing else, to support their people in a practical way. Supporting employees experiencing grief is so crucial for their well-being and for maintaining a supportive work environment and these are some strategies businesses can consider:

1.????? Develop a Comprehensive Bereavement Policy

Establish clear guidelines on bereavement leave, including the duration and flexibility of the leave. Offer extended leave options or unpaid leave if necessary, always recognizing that the grieving process varies for each individual.

2.????? Provide Flexible Work Arrangements

Allow flexible working hours to help employees manage their grief while meeting their work responsibilities. Offer remote work options if feasible, giving employees the space to grieve privately.

3.????? Offer Emotional and Mental Health Support

Provide access to counselling services or Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) that offer professional support. Facilitate support groups or peer support networks (perhaps you have Mental Health Support Buddies you can mobilise) within the organization where employees can share their experiences and support each other.

4.????? Training for Managers and Colleagues

Train managers and colleagues on how to recognize and support grieving employees with sensitivity and compassion. Teach effective communication skills to help staff approach and support grieving colleagues appropriately.

5.????? Create a Supportive Work Environment

Encourage open communication where employees feel safe to express their grief and request support. Foster a culture of empathy and understanding, ensuring that employees do not feel judged or pressured to "move on" quickly.

6.????? Memorialize and Acknowledge Loss

Allow space and time for employees to participate in memorial activities or services for their loved ones. Acknowledge the employee’s loss and offer condolences – you will be surprised how much this positively affects that person. Simple gestures of sympathy can make a significant impact.

7.????? Adjust Workload and Responsibilities

Temporarily reduce the employee’s workload or redistribute tasks to accommodate their emotional state. Offer flexible deadlines for projects and tasks to help employees manage their grief without added pressure.

8.????? Provide Resource Materials

Offer resource materials on coping with grief, including books, articles, and online resources. Provide information about local community resources, such as grief counselling centres or support groups.

9.????? Maintain Confidentiality

Respect the employee’s privacy and maintain confidentiality about their personal situation. Handle discussions and support with discretion to ensure the employee feels secure and respected.

10.? Regular Check-ins and Ongoing Support

Regularly check in with the grieving employee to see how they are coping and if they need any additional support. Recognize that grief can be a long-term process and provide ongoing support beyond the initial bereavement period.

Organisations can implement some of these strategies and, in doing so, create a supportive and compassionate environment for employees experiencing grief and/or managing terminal illness in their circle, helping the affected employees manage their grief more effectively AND fostering a positive and empathetic workplace culture. So very powerful…

Just as powerful is what we can do as individuals and human beings and my advice having been there myself is acknowledgement (even when you don’t know the? ‘right’ words to say), giving space, listening and letting your fellow team mates know you are there means the world and truly helps to provide them with comfort in whatever form they need. As someone experiencing grief, you can sometimes feel very detached, like you’re watching a version of yourself living this experience and it’s not really you. So a reminder that you are not alone can make a huge difference.

My Mum was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It is uncurable and inoperable. That process has started again for me and so I want to say, for anyone that is going through grief, my final words are, I see you. Do what you need to do, allow yourself to make the changes you need and allow people to help in whatever way you need. There is no ‘right time’ to take time out, or to cry other than when you need to. And this time, I have sought and accepted support, help and time out early rather than wait. Talking is my comfort and my remedy. As I said at the start, right now, I need to be able to disconnect from the day to day. I will come back stronger and my career and life will continue to grow and thrive.

To us all, don’t forget to check in on your mates/colleagues. If we all look out for each other, we can make life a tiny bit easier for each other. Finally, thank you to my ’tribe’ work and friends who have already jumped in and given me strength – you know who you are

I’m happy to connect with anyone on this subject – it is one of such great importance and meaning to me and I very recently discovered a couple of really helpful resources that I thought I would share for anyone experience terminal illness and/or death of a loved one.

• ?The Grief Gang https://www.thegriefgang.com/ “the podcast normalising grief” created and hosted by Amber Jeffrey
• “What happens when we die?” https://youtu.be/CZDDByT0Vr0?si=soe_l2cT0_59GfDz and “Dying for Beginners” https://youtu.be/ayMhA1pRLeY?si=jiln5_UCHBg07fIz – Dr Kathryn Mannix