Let’s Talk About Grief

When I was in high school, my grandma ended up in hospice care. A few nights before she died, my whole family gathered in her room to say our good-byes. To break the tension, my grandma started asking my cousins questions about school, and then she turned to me: “Rachel, what are you reading now?” Without thinking, I answered: “As I Lay Dying.”

Those four words set off an emotional bomb in the room.

When bad things happen to people, even to people I love dearly, I realize I often say and do too little. I’ve always assumed people don’t want to be pushed to talk about what they’re feeling, as if somehow not mentioning it will make it go away. And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’ve been scared shitless of getting it wrong again.

But after reading Option B, the new book from my endlessly perceptive friends Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, I am forcing myself to do better.

To start with, I now realize how backwards my thinking has been. People who are suffering do not forget for a moment that something terrible happened to them, so when we ignore the elephant in the room, we just end up ignoring the people we love. In the book, Sheryl talks about the isolation she felt after losing her husband Dave, which only added to her pain. It turns out saying almost anything is better than saying nothing at all.

It turns out saying almost anything is better than saying nothing at all.

Thank goodness, the book offers concrete things that we can all do to get it right:

Don’t ask a friend who’s lost a family member or been diagnosed with cancer, “How are you doing?” when the obvious answer is, “I’m terrible.” Instead ask, “How are you doing today?” This small adjustment signals you understand the magnitude of what they’re going through—that they’re fighting to get through each day.

Instead of asking, “What can I do to help?” which puts the onus on your friend to figure out what they need, pick something specific and do it. Drop off a bag of groceries, offer to drive their kids to school, leave flowers outside their door every morning for a week.

Make it clear you’re in it with them. One simple way to do this is using “we” language. “We can get through this” is far more encouraging and supportive than “You can get through this.”

Since I’ve read Option B, I’ve been pushing myself to do better. I’ve called several friends and apologized that I didn’t do enough when they lost their parents. I flew across the country to tell a woman whom I love like a second mom that she may be losing her memory and then went to the doctor with her. In both cases, I felt closer to people who mean a lot to me. And I think they felt closer to me, too.

I felt closer to people who mean a lot to me. And I think they felt closer to me, too.

I would never wish tragedy on anyone—nobody sane would—but I do think it’s a natural and even valuable part of the human experience. I just had the pleasure of spending time with Joe Primo, who runs an amazing organization called Good Grief and sits on OptionB.Org’s advisory board. In his view, grief is good for us. It allows us to feel joy more intensely and helps us evolve and grow.

Sheryl and Adam also talk about post-traumatic growth in their book, the idea that we can bounce forward after grief and find more meaning and joy in our lives.

I will go even further: I think supporting people who are suffering can help us find meaning and joy. It can lead to deeper relationships and help us see the good in our lives in higher relief.   

The next time something terrible happens to someone you love, I challenge you to think of it as an opportunity. Sure, there’s a chance you’ll say the wrong thing, but if you stand on the sidelines, you’re missing out on the power of grieving and growing together.  

The next time something terrible happens to someone you love, I challenge you to think of it as an opportunity.

I’m challenging myself to do the same. If I had a chance to go back to that night in high school, I would take a deep breath and say, “I’m sorry I just said the wrong thing. I’m nervous because I’m so sad. I love you very much, Grandma Mac. We all do.”

For more information about Option B—and more ideas for helping your loved ones cope with adversity—visit optionb.org.