Let's talk about grief!

It’s inevitable, at some stage in our lives all of us will experience the natural human response to loss, which is grief, yet we’re never really taught about how to deal with these unexpected waves of emotions that come crashing over us when we find ourselves experiencing bereavement.

It’s a taboo subject, right? ?I’ve even been toying with whether it’s appropriate or not to post this article perhaps it’s because it’s too sad for us to even think about it, so we simply don’t talk about it until we absolutely have no other choice.?

I’ve wanted to share what I’ve learned through my own recent experience having lost my wonderful Dad unexpectedly to Covid 5 months ago. I hope that by sharing this it might help anyone going through a similar experience or even help if you find yourself supporting a colleague/ team member returning to the workplace having experienced a bereavement.?

So, let’s talk about grief! ?

Grief is the emotional suffering we feel when something or someone we love is taken away from us.?This pain of loss can feel overwhelming. The keyword there is pain. It’s painful. It hurts and it’s hard. It can be hard to navigate, and you can find yourself experiencing all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness.?We all deal with loss differently. There is no set timeframe to the grieving process and dependent on your own unique situation and closeness of the relationship, the circumstances of the loss will have an impact on your personal experience with grief.

Let me start by saying I’m an only child and very much a Daddy’s girl. Dad was smart, funny, and ambitious. When he was well, he had a contagious energy and you just wanted to be around him. He was also my biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. I miss him terribly and think about him every single day. Adjusting to life without him has been hard but as everyone kept saying in those early days, it really does get easier over time.?Through the whole experience of losing my Dad, I’ve found myself at different points being able to apply many of the tools I’ve picked up through the personal development work I’ve committed to over the last few years.?

Here are a few lessons that helped me navigate and cope in those very first few weeks.

Journaling and Visualisation??

I typically don’t journal; however, I knew that the one thing I could do for Dad was to write and deliver a heartfelt eulogy. This turned out to be the best therapy for me, I spent so much time researching Dad’s life, connecting the dots to memories, and digging into his CV. I’d also say, make time to listen and understand your parent’s stories, let’s not forget that they had a whole life before they became our parents! When it came to the day of the funeral, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to stand up and deliver it myself, although I knew that I wanted to. It might sound strange but as I geared up in preparation a few days before, I realised there will never be a more important message that I want to deliver, no speech, or presentation will ever mean as much. Over the last three years, as I focused on my career development, I’ve invested in several executive coaching sessions specifically to combat my nervousness when speaking in public. Through these sessions I’ve learned a lot and have been practicing visualising techniques; it was these techniques that enabled me to stand up and deliver Dad’s eulogy, calmly with composure, and may I say not in a shy way! Visualisation has been used for a very long time for performance in business and in sports. Muhammad Ali had a famous quote?“If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it – then I can achieve it”. Gosh, I love that!

So how do you apply Visualisation in real life? You need to imagine the specific situation in as much detail as possible using all your senses – you can see it, smell it, hear it, feel it. For me, I played the movie over and over in my mind’s eye. I could see what I was wearing as I approached the front of the crematorium. I could see the whites of the eyes of my family and friends as they looked on filled with sadness and grief themselves. I could see the flowers I had handpicked resting on Dad’s coffin, and I could visualise myself delivering that eulogy word for word in exactly the way I intended. It was honest, heartfelt, and had a splash of humor which Dad would have loved. In practice, to tap into virtualisation, it helps when you close your eyes, or others might prefer to write it all down instead of doing it purely in their mind. It’s much easier to get into “visualisation mode” through guided meditation (believe me 2 years ago I was a meditation cynic and would have said that seems way too hippy to me but give it a go!).?Getting through that eulogy was a big part of my grieving process, I walked away from Dad’s funeral with a sense of pride that I was able to share his story and say a personal goodbye my way.

If you’d like to learn more about visualising, look at the below top tips.

Sleep matters

Night-time was the hardest but know you are not alone in your pain when memories of the past creep into your thoughts each night as you go to bed. In grief, thoughts of loss can consume our minds making it hard to relax and fall asleep. You may experience waking up from dreaming about your loved one as your brains process the grief.?As hard as it may be to fall asleep, I found it important to try and keep a consistent bedtime each night. Keeping a steady schedule helped me to get a more regular amount of sleep on a nightly basis. Try to avoid naps during the day too as it makes it so much harder to fall asleep at night. Reflecting on those first few days, no matter how sad or tired I felt, I made myself go for a walk every single day. When I say exercise I’m not talking about a full-on workout, a brisk walk can be a?real natural remedy to help with sleep. As we know, physical activity releases endorphins which help improve your mood and physical well-being. Those little boosts of endorphins on my morning walks really helped me face the reality of the day ahead which was all-consuming with having to make multiple calls, organise finances, sort the funeral as well as navigate good old family dynamics.??

Relationships get you through

It’s so obvious to say that in those immediate first few hours and days when we’re navigating the shock of bereavement, our inner circle of friends and loved one’s rally around us with open arms. They offer emotional support, words of kindness, affection, oh and yes let’s not forget the odd food delivery drop too!

What was less obvious to me though, and came as such a humbling surprise, is the number of colleagues, associates, peers, and clients that I didn’t know as well on a personal level who took the time to reach out. They sent cards, flowers, and texts. They wanted to share their story and were empathetic and/or compassionate. I’ve talked about the differences of empathy and compassion before, but this was different, this was a full-on experience of seeing the difference in action, so let me explain. Empathy I could see, whereas compassion I could feel it. For example, if we know of someone who has experienced losing a loved one, we will of course instantly express our sorrow at their loss. We will remember what it was like when we lost a loved one; we’ll identify with our personal experiences and relate them to the person who has recently been bereaved. This is showing empathy, it’s a passive emotion that requires us to take no action. However, if we show compassion for their loss, not only will we understand and identify with the same feelings, but we will want to take action to alleviate their pain. I saw this through my leaders and colleagues wanting to show either physical reassurance that everything’s going to be ok or they wanted to take away some of the pressure by helping with daily tasks whilst I was busy planning a funeral. What I would say is that these little surprise moments of compassion, from individuals I hadn’t previously known as well, have forged a much deeper connection than I could ever have imagined.

I’ll wrap up by saying that losing Dad hurt, it was an extremely sad but human experience that all of us will go through at some stage in our lives. For now, I just feel grateful. Grateful that I had him for as long as I did, aren't I one of the lucky ones. I'd also add that empathetic and compassionate leadership really matters, not just during a bereavement but through all interactions with our people all the time. This is especially important if we’re going to retain our talent. I believe that all people managers, leaders, and individual contributors should have access to the right content, toolkits, and resources at the point of need to support all of us in our jobs no matter what life throws at us.

If you’d like to learn more about how coaching can unlock your potential, how visualisation techniques can help with performance, or view our compassionate leadership toolkits don’t be shy ?? [email protected]

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