Let's Talk Anger

What is ANGER?

Anger is a basic human emotional response to anything that causes the slightest irritation, provocation, hurt, or threat. According to many modern psychologists, pent-up anger is like a pressure cooker. When it reaches its maximum limit, it explodes. Anger is, in fact, the body's way of showing that it requires change or is not susceptible to the changes occurring around it.

But prolonged exposure to a situation that causes hurt or provocation can result in bitterness. The origin of this usually can be traced to a problem where someone or something drove you to discomfort through its malicious intent. Even though the anger may have been petty and small, as pointed out earlier, prolonged acquaintance with it can cause it to turn into a corrosive and dangerous ulcer. So let us dwell more on the topic and understand the cause of rage that leads to resentment and unpleasantness.

Managing Anger in the Workplace

Jack is a top salesman. Out on the road, he is all charm and smiles. Back at the office, he lashes out in anger. For example, Jack is angry at Nancy for not typing his sales reports fast enough. He wants them "now!" He doesn't see why she shouldn't do what he wants when he wants it.

To Jack, his request for instant service is reasonable and rational. The rest of us see that his anger is out of proportion with the circumstance. The more Steve, his director, tries to make Jack "understand the inappropriateness of his behavior," the angrier Jack gets. Jack doesn't want to understand; he wants his report, and, as far as he can see, Steve is doing nothing to speed up the process. He is angry at Steve for letting Nancy "slack off."

Steve is learning that the issue here is not Nancy's typing speed or work schedule. The real problem is Jack's anger when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it.

In counseling, Steve learned:

1.????Not to defend Nancy (Nancy isn't doing anything wrong, she does not require defending).

2.????Not to defend himself. He didn't say, "You can't talk to me that way," because Jack's articulation and diction are not the issues. It is a distraction from the real problem. It would have poured kerosene on Jack's fire.

3.????Not to take Jack's demands to reflect his competence as a manager.

4.????Not to take Jack's negative, unpleasant behavior personally, as if it were a reflection of his worth.

5.????Not to overreact to Jack's provocation.

6.????Stop trying to make Jack understand.

Steve was able to sort out his feelings. Jack was making Steve feel powerless and out of control. That feeling told him that he was in a power struggle with Jack over who could make Nancy do what and how fast. This insight gave Steve a new choice: he could pull back in a tug of war or drop the rope and end the power struggle on his terms. He chose to drop the rope. He let it go.

In counseling, Steve learned how to disengage himself emotionally, not physically removing himself from Jack's presence but from his unacceptable, provocative behavior.

He did not take Jack's behavior personally, as if his accusations were a realistic inditement that needed defending. He did not take Jack's words literally, as if he meant what he said. Jack is only "firing for effect," trying to use Steve's vulnerabilities against him. Steve reminded himself that "I am a good manager despite Jack's negative comments." This technique is called 'self-talk.' It keeps him on an even keel.

Steve was able to deal effectively with Jack's pain just as he would with the physical pain of a cut finger. Steve cut to the chase and chose to address the issue of Jack's anger. Steve decided to say, "It makes you angry when Nancy takes so long, doesn't it." In making this choice, Steve used an anger management technique called validation. This is where we validate the feeling rather than argue the facts. In calling Jack's anger by its proper name, Steve gave Jack "permission" to have this unpleasant, disruptive emotion. He did not "fight the feeling." He validated the anger, "I don't blame you for feeling that way."

There are two sides to this anger coin: Jack is one, and Nancy is the other. Nancy needs to know what to do with Jack's anger when it hits. Steve prepared Nancy to cope with Jack's irritation. He broke the problem down so she could see what she was up against. Steve offered the following suggestions:

1.????Do not take it personally. It is not a reflection on you.

2.????Do not defend – you are not guilty of a crime, and you require no defense.

3.????Do not try to make Jack "understand" the realities of the situation. He is not interested.

When Jack came by to voice his complaint about the "service," Nancy was able to remind herself that it was only Jack sounding off again. His accusations did not require defending. She didn't get sidetracked, pleading her innocence. She chose not to take his words literal, personal, or profound. She decides to validate Jack's anger and says, "I'm sorry you are so angry, but I'll have it done by 4:30 today."

As Jack went on and on, Nancy rode it out. She didn't prolong the process with explanations of the situation that Jack didn't care about anyway. She saved her breath. Nancy noticed that the storm blew over in half the time. Jack walked away talking to himself, but he settled down much sooner than he used to when people got in his way and made his anger worse.

Nancy was still angry at Jack's abusive behavior and went to Steve. Instead of ignoring Nancy's painful resentment, he validated it; "You must be very angry at Jack for dumping on you like that. If you keep it in, it will make you sick. One way to drain it out of your system is to write him an angry letter. It's not for him; it's for you." Nancy wrote her anger out in a letter to Jack and then tore it up. Nancy was able to use an unpleasant anger situation as an opportunity to grow.

Even Jack benefitted from Nancy's new way of managing her anger. He expected to be met with scorn, invalidation, criticism, excuses, denials, and defensiveness. Instead, he felt that Nancy had listened to his complaint without demeaning him. She had not compounded his anger as people usually did. He didn't feel "good" about the conversation, but he was aware that he felt "less bad." Jack's anger outbursts came farther and farther apart, ending sooner each time. He remained a productive, valued employee of the firm.

Violence: What Can We Do?

We need a system for repairing the destruction that predisposes people to carry out violence. Many perpetrators have one negative relationship, which they generalize to the entire human race. They have acquired harmful viewpoints that influence them to behave destructively. They also have developed negative attitudes towards themselves. For example, "I am the victim, and I am entitled to get revenge, to victimize them as they victimized me. That's fair." As lifelong "victim," they cannot respect themselves; they can only feel hatred. Consequently, they can only have contempt for the people who are "weak" enough to love them.

These perspectives can be identified and replaced with more appropriate, constructive ones. The question is, who is going to do it and who is going to pay for it?

Another question is, "How is this replacement process going to be carried out?" It cannot be accomplished by classroom exercises in "sensitivity training," "values clarification," or even "self-esteem." The active ingredient here is the anger that energizes and motivates us to act. Rational thought processes fly out the window. We need more than a thin veil of civility that can be shredded in a flash. We are a nation of emotional illiterates, and our poor preparation to cope with emotion generates new headlines every morning. The issue is not handguns or poverty, or jobs. It is emotion.

We need to start sooner rather than later. First, people need to identify their anger as the feeling of being powerless and out of control. This out-of-control feeling can be alleviated by revealing to these individuals that they now have the power of choice. They can express their anger the old way, which never made things better, or they can make a new choice to call their anger by its proper name and express it appropriately. Expressing anger inappropriately does not change anything. It does not provide relief from the pain of their intense emotions. Expressing it appropriately does.

Next, we can tell them what their choices are. This does not mean invalidating someone's anger by saying, "Don't be angry. It's no big deal." or "Don't get mad; there is no point in getting even." Instead, we can teach young people how to validate each other's anger "I don't blame you for being angry; I'd be angry, too, if that happened to me. It sounds excruciating. I can tell your hurt."

We can teach young people how to identify and understand the components of their anger. Some of the standard hot buttons are:

"I want my way."

"I am the victim of unfairness!"

"I am not appreciated enough."

"People are out to get me."

"I am superior and deserve to be treated special."

We can teach them to use a focusing question, such as "What was the worst part about it? What angered you the most when that happened? When else have you felt like that?" This will enable them to sort out and replace the negative, unrealistic expectations that encourage them to solve their anger problems with violence.

Stop the Violence: Teach Anger Management

There is no violence without anger. There is no violence against children, against women, against minorities, against employees, against strangers, against motorists, against students, against teachers, against spouses without anger. We are a nation of people at war with each other and ourselves. But why do we persist in attributing violent behavior to "disgruntled employees," "trigger happy teenagers," or "stressed out husbands"? The issue of violence is not handguns, poverty, or jobs; it is anger. Stopping the violence is not the issue; the problem is managing anger.

Then, the antidote to violence is not to ban TV violence or put everyone in jail. A more practical solution might be to educate people about anger when they are young. We can teach our fourth graders the ins and outs of anger management, as we are now teaching them the ins and outs of computers. We could teach them what anger is instead of teaching them to deny that they have any. We could teach them that they have more than one choice: bang! We could teach them how to avoid taking anger-provoking accusations personally.

If we can teach our young people how to solve such everyday schoolyard problems, they can use each of these encounters as a "growth opportunity." With each opportunity to trial solve, our kids will bestow the feelings of accomplishment, success, and confidence that they can do it again. Each time they do it, they get more decisive in their positive feelings about themselves.

The catch is that it takes courage to do something new. It's scary to do something different for the first time. That's why most kids don't do it. They keep doing it the old way, knowing in advance that it won't work but hoping that it will. We can teach young people what courage is; doing something hard and doing it anyway.

For instance, when a young boy is called a dirty name at school, he can be given a choice between the old way and the new way. He can scream back an equally painful epithet, or he can choose to say, "That makes me angry." He can take a deep breath, write out his anger, and make up his own choices, so long as they are not reflex reactions requiring no thought. If he is angry at a girl, he can be shown how to express his anger at her as one equal human being to another: "It makes me angry when you do that." For her part, she can learn to stop trying to make him understand her point of view, which only makes things worse, and to choose to say, "I'm sorry you are so angry." Learning these things is better than waiting until they become full-grown sparring partners.

Adults can teach young men to use focusing questions, such as "What was the worst part about it? What angered you the most when that happened? When else have you felt like that?" This will enable them to sort out and replace the negative, unrealistic expectations that encourage them to solve their anger problems with their fists.

Adults can learn to validate a child's anger by asking: "What angered you the most when Tanya called you names?" Let the child find out where his vulnerabilities are to identify his triggers. Next, we can model how to invalidate someone's anger and say: "Don't be angry. It's no big deal. Don't get mad; there is no point in getting even." And we can teach young people how to validate each other's anger by saying: "I don't blame you for being angry; I'd be angry, too, if that happened to me. It sounds excruciating. I can tell your hurt." This is not hate, not discouragement; it is not abandonment. It is showing respect for a fellow human being by telling the truth.

What is Anger Management?

Anger management counseling consists of techniques, psychological and therapeutic, utilized to relieve stress caused by anger. The often simple process has proven effective in helping people recognize triggers and control their emotions. Everyone is angry at times – it is a normal emotion we all experience; however, for many, their reactions go too far, harming others and leading to negative consequences. Counseling identifies situations likely to bring on such responses (they are different for each of us) and demonstrates alternative methods to avoid the damage caused by losing one's temper.

Counseling is sometimes mandated by courts, typically requiring an 8 to 12-hour regimen. Many judges assign anger management therapy for first-time offenders or misdemeanors as an alternative to jail. People convicted of assault, battery, child abuse or neglect, domestic disputes, juvenile violence, or road rage incidents must complete classes as part of probation. Some facing criminal charges enroll before appearing in court, having been advised by an attorney that successful completion might merit a shorter sentence. Therapy may involve one-on-one sessions with a counselor, monitored discussions including family members, and group meetings attended by others dealing with similar issues. There is nothing to fear — no one will demand electric shock treatment!

To benefit from counseling, all one needs is an open mind and a willingness to listen and communicate honestly. Anger is a part of life, a part of being human, but one should not react with violence and intimidation; counseling helps develop better behavior patterns that avoid the negative consequences of such reactions. Some of the techniques most widely used are very simple. They include deep breathing, slowly repeating a word or phrase, counting to 10 before reacting, or imagery and visualization (thinking about a calming person or place). As essential as they are, these strategies should be practiced daily until they become habits. Your life and the lives of those closest to you will drastically improve when your natural reactions to stressful circumstances are not destructive. Touches. Controlling one's emotions is another skill that gets little or no attention until failure to do so results in trouble. Anger management counseling can be a valuable tool for improving the lives of people of all ages.

Recognize that we have little or no control over the actions of others, but how we react is 100% ours to determine. If your temper sometimes causes you to do things you later regret, consider one of the many counseling options available.