Let's Talk About Abuse-of-Power Relationships

Studies have shown that power makes people likelier to think about sex, to be sexually attracted to those around them, and to demonstrate disinhibited sexual behavior and dominance more broadly. But it does not mean those feelings are reciprocated by the less powerful people around them.?

This is a big problem because having power makes people likelier to touch others, whether or not the others want to be touched. So if you are in a position of authority, remind yourself that every promotion puts you into a higher-risk group for getting in trouble around touch. Every promotion means you think you are sexier than the people around you think you are. Let that sink in. And back off.

Even when both parties willingly enter into a relationships at work, things can go badly wrong, financially and emotionally, when one person in a romantic relationship is the manager of the other, or considerably more senior in the organization. That is why they have traditionally been discouraged or forbidden, and why such rules have come to be enforced more often after #MeToo.?

However, they still happen. And when they do, all too often, the more powerful of the two people demands that the less powerful person bear all the consequences of the relationship. Or they use their power to become emotionally abusive. Or both.

When you read the job description for your role, it probably didn’t mention that you should prevent abusive romantic relationships from harming your team’s productivity. However, if you as a leader don’t give some thought to preventing that from happening, it probably will.

The Reality of The Power Imbalance

It may be difficult to recognize it when you’re abusing your power in a relationship, especially if you love the person, and/ or are physically attracted to them. It may not be your intention to abuse your power—it may be the logic of the situation, logic that you may be unaware of because your power or your wealth or your privilege insulates you from facts that seem obvious to people in different circumstances. But it is your responsibility to be aware of the impact you have on others, especially if you care about those people, and/or have a sexual relationship with them.

If you are not sure what constitutes an emotionally abusive relationship, here’s a simple definition: one person has power over another and uses that power to control or coerce the other to do things the person doesn’t want to do.

For example, Nina, a friend of mine, asked Stanley, an executive at her company, to endorse her for a promotion. He admired her work and agreed readily. A couple of days later, Stanley asked Nina out on a date. She wasn’t in his chain of command, so technically, he wasn’t violating any HR rules.

But given that he was writing in support of her promotion, he did have some power over her. And she simply wasn’t interested. After she politely declined, she called me, worried that he would withdraw his support for her promotion.

I knew Stanley reasonably well. I doubt it ever occurred to him that he had put Nina in an awkward position. But it should have. If he was smart enough to become an executive at a major tech company, he was smart enough to figure out this dynamic.

Cluelessness was no excuse. If he’d taken just a moment to think about it—and all overtures of this nature in the workplace deserve that moment—he would have realized this was not the time to ask her out. Here are a few guidelines to help you avoid becoming the abuser.

When in Doubt, Don't

Don’t get romantically involved with people who work for you or with people who are significantly junior to you in an organization. Don’t flirt with them, don’t allow them to flirt with you, don’t ask them out on dates, don’t touch them in a sexual or flirty way, at all, ever.

If you begin to have romantic feelings for someone who works for you, ask yourself this question: Would you be willing to give up your job to pursue this relationship? If so, by all means, quit your job and ask the person out.

If not, exercise the executive function that got you into this role in the first place to manage your own behavior. Do not announce your feelings and then expect the other person to clean up the situation you just created.

If you wind up romantically involved with someone who works for you or is junior to you, it’s time for you to find a new job. Don’t expect or allow this person to sacrifice a career for yours. The all-too-common but flawed expectation of such situations is that the junior person is the one who changes departments or gives up their job.?

After all, you have the “bigger” job. But the other person’s career is just as important to them as yours is to you. And the person can likely less afford a career derailment, being the more junior with fewer resources.

The bottom line? Whatever you tell your people about being mindful of others goes double for you. Keep in mind that an unwanted hug from a leader will likely kick up a much bigger problem than one between two people with no power over each other. Also, keep in mind that unwanted touch is likelier to happen when there is a power imbalance.

For People Harmed

Just because you’re a strong, independent person doesn’t mean you couldn’t find yourself in an abusive relationship. And the corollary is also true: just because you are in an abusive relationship doesn’t mean you’re not a strong, independent person.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is more powerful than you are and is using their power to be emotionally abusive, you can find healing in solidarity with other strong, independent people who have had the experience of an abusive relationship. There are lots of us out there.

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Radical Respect is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight?some of the things that get in the way of creating a collaborative, respectful working environment. A healthy organization is not merely an absence of unpleasant symptoms. Creating a just working environment is about eliminating bad behavior and reinforcing collaborative, respectful behavior. Each week I'll offer tips on how to do that so you can create a workplace where everyone feels supported and respected. Learn more in my new book Radical Respect , available wherever books are sold! You can also follow Radical Candor? and the Radical Candor Podcast more tips about building better relationships at work.