Working parents - let go of the perfect elf and stay sane in December

Twas the week before Christmas.

And mum couldn't sleep.

Visions of un-delivered gifts competed with unmet deadlines, to block her zen.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas in our house. Er no, not as in pretty decorations and gifts wrapped and labelled, cards sent, arrangements made, and mulled wine on the stove.

More panic-buying, the rising volume of over-excited children and a crazy rush to the finish line as exhausted parents race through all the final work deadlines.

If you see me on Zoom, and look closely at my neatly curated work-space, you might spot the pile of cardboard boxes rammed into the corner behind me. You might assume that means we’re on top of gifting, but the truth is, I’ve lost all track of what’s in there and won’t know until next week whether I’ve remembered everyone. I’d love to find time to check it all, and make sure there’s enough of the ‘correct’ wrapping paper, ahead of Christmas eve.?But that’s looking unlikely.

Christmas is supposed to be a time to be jolly- another pressure! For working parents, the lead up can be closer to carnage. And this year especially I’m regularly having to remind myself about what’s really important. When the adrenaline is high, it’s so easy to lose judgment and get sucked into my old patterns of perfectionism.?Every day in December when my girls remind me of how many sleeps stand between them and Santa, there’s a part of me getting anxious about the never-ending list of things STILL to do.?

Being a working parent is a relentless and exhausting business and it's very easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling and that you’re failing in some way for feeling overwhelmed.?When it comes to family holidays, the fear, guilt and feelings of inadequacy can turn into a tsunami.?Looking at beautiful images on social media feeds of other people’s magical decorations, rituals and celebrations can be enough to send us into despair. Anyone else having murderous thoughts about elves on shelves? Or wondering when we will ever find time to buy ingredients for Nigella’s perfect Christmas cocktail?

?I’m here to share that this is normal. Life with children is not easy and in 2020 it all got a LOT harder.?

?As a parent, a recovering workaholic, and a resilience coach, in the run up to Christmas I want to share some of the things that work to keep me sane, in the hope they’ll also give you some relief.

?1.???Be kind to yourself?

?When we’re overwhelmed and tired by juggling multiple roles, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-judgment. We then see everything that’s not perfect through that filter. Child sad because you missed one of the several thousand school events? “I’m failing at all my roles!” Yet, using these kinds of severe judgments don’t help anyone. You wouldn’t come to such a harsh conclusion of another parent in your situation.?My life changed when I stopped being so hard on myself.

?Practical ideas to support this mindset change:

?The three wins exercise: Before you go to bed every night, sit down with a notebook and write down 3 wins: three things, however small, that you’ve achieved today.?

?Start small. Child ate a mouthful of broccoli. Paid the rent on time. Did not punch irritating person at work. Strengthened an important relationship. If you look for the wins, you’ll find them. Stop counting your failures and look at your day through a different lens.

?Celebrate what’s working: Find a relaxed moment -perhaps on Saturday evening.

?Sit down with another adult and congratulate each other on your parenting. Write a list of all the things you value about each other’s parenting, what you are doing well. Keep it safe, keep adding to it, and remember to look at it on the bad days.

2.???Let go of perfectionism.?

?When we calm down and breathe, and look at family life through a kinder filter, we’re able to let go of the relentless, dangerous energy of perfectionism.?Let’s focus on what really matters – giving our children our full attention, when we are with them. Children growing up secure in the knowledge that they are loved.?Our adult offspring won’t look back at their childhoods and blame us for having the wrong wrapping paper or messing up the roast potatoes on the big day. They won’t even remember the toy that they’d set their heart on that we just couldn’t find anywhere. They just want you to be happy.?

?So go on, give yourself permission to break your own irrational rules, at least once a day. (“But there are no irrational rules!” I hear you cry. Look again.)

Let’s not worry about elves, lets wrap everything in brown packing paper (save the environment and money), and let’s forget about Nigella’s cocktails this year.?And if you join me in an insta-fast for the next week, I guarantee you will enjoy Christmas all the more…

3.???Take better care of yourself

?Ignoring your physical and mental needs is like buying an expensive car and then never servicing it. When we neglect good nutrition, sleep and exercise (as we all do, from time to time), we set ourselves in a downward, frazzled spiral of negativity.

?How well are you currently eating, sleeping and exercising??

?How would you rate your current wellbeing on a scale of 1-10? (Resist the temptation to use this as another stick to beat yourself with. The goal here isn’t to be an athlete Buddhist on a macrobiotic diet. The goal is to be you, feeling OK.)

Identify one tiny step you could take in the next week, to push that number up by one.?

?OK, by half. Perhaps, once a week, you could go to bed when the kids do? Or, once a week, you could go for a walk and eat a salad at lunchtime, instead of wolfing down a sandwich at your desk? Or ask partner to get the kids out on Saturday afternoon so you can have a couple of hours to yourself? Ask a friend to host a sleepover so that you get a Sunday lie-in? Unplug from social media one evening and use the time to sleep or meditate instead??

It doesn’t matter how tiny or daft this step is. Think of one small thing, write it down, and ask someone to hold you to account so that you actually do it. Small steps snowball. The more we take, the easier it becomes to see the next one.

4.???Stop trying to do it all alone

?Under stress a lot of us isolate ourselves and try to do it all alone. If this is you, then break this habit for your own sake and watch your life become so much easier. People want to help and will rally round if you give them the chance.?

?Be creative and resourceful about how to make things easier

?I hope these tips help make your Christmas a little more JOLLY and next time that little voice in your head starts with ‘you should …..(fill in the blank)’ thank them and move on.

?Life really is too short for us to spend any more time berating ourselves, it’s time instead to celebrate how marvellous it is that we’ve made it through 2020.

?Merry Christmas everyone!