Let's Have a few Laughs

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Title: Let’s Have a Few Laughs

Description: With all the bad new today, it’s time for some humor

Categories: Humor, Comedians, Funny quotes

SEO: Humor, Comedians, Funny quotes

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Let’s Have a Few Laughs

Wars, inflation, college protests, etc. etc. It’s enough to induce permanent depression. So, let’s lighten things up a bit. Following are some humorous quotes from comedians, originally published by? Bennett Kleinman, a staff writer at Optimism as well as a freelance comedy writer.

·???????? You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Bob Hope

·???????? If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Johnny Carson

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·???????? My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

Phyllis Diller

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·???????? Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

Will Ferrell

·???????? When you see the handwriting on the wall, you’re in the toilet.

Redd Foxx

·???????? I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.

Rodney Dangerfield

·???????? The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Lucille Ball

·???????? Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

Milton Berle

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·???????? I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes — and six months later, you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

·???????? Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

George Burns

·???????? Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

George Carlin

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·???????? Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them.

Norm Macdonald

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·???????? Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

Groucho Marx

·???????? My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

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·???????? When it comes to raising children, I believe in give and take. I give orders and they take ’em.

Bernie Mac

·???????? I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

Jack Benny

·???????? For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.

Lily Tomlin

·???????? Don’t ever make the same mistake twice, unless it pays.

Mae West

·???????? When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Mark Twain

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·???????? If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, and try again. Then give up. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

W.C. Fields

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·???????? Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you have to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

Jerry Seinfeld

·???????? Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.

Leslie Nielsen

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·???????? I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. Each time I enter a room, I wonder what I’m here after.

Tim Conway

·???????? I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

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Frank Victoria is an award-winning author and screenwriter. He’s been an Amazon bestseller with his recent book, The Founders’ Plot, a political thriller for our times. He donates proceeds of his books to Tunnels to Towers and Fisher House, helping military veterans and first responders. His novella, The Ultimate Bet is available on his website and Amazon. Check out his new website: FrankVictoriaAuthor.com

? 2024 Frank Victoria