Let's have a chat ...is it?

“Hi Dad I just wanted to say our “chat” about stress last week really helped … I’m not sure you would say I had an insight but something must have sunk in.”

“Well son if it helped it doesn’t matter if it sunk, swam or walked into your usually over active mind I’m really pleased. ...so how was your week? Has the company survived without it’s most over active thinker?” He said with that smile.

“Dad it’s not always about thinking it’s really all about LEADERSHIP and the good news is that I scored 7.836 in a leadership test which is pretty good. Of the 24 leadership attributes I scored high in motivation, agility and integrity but I need to develop differentiation, emotional learning and purpose. Now all I have to do is learn how others understand and demonstrate these attributes and I will be well on my way!”

“Well I still don’t really understand on your way to where? .... but can I ask how you scored on connection, authenticity, presence or wisdom?” “Umm I don’t know Dad as they weren’t measured and I’m at a loss as to what they have to do with leadership?”

“Oh I see, how about you and me have a walk up to the garden …. and “LET”S HAVE A CHAT …...IS IT?” Once again it was time to focus, Dad had never been taught how to coach or mentor but when he used these words it seemed like he was tapping into something beyond teaching and common knowledge. I didn’t always get some of what he said at the time but the things he pointed me towards had a habit of being important.

“So son what if I told you that everyone on the planet has the innate capacity to lead”

“Dad I would question that … I’m sure most people can learn how to lead and that even a select few might have been born to lead but I struggle with everyone! … to lead a rugby team you need to know the rules, the best skills of each team member … to be the surgeon leading a team during an operation you need leadership skills which I’m sure they are taught .. that has to be based on knowledge, aptitude and experience...doesn’t it?”

“Of course these things are important but I did say innate … as in born with .. natural … now can you give me any examples where you have shown up as an innate leader?”

“Sure, I demonstrated leadership when I played rugby, in the Scouts, Cadets and throughout my time in the Ministry of Defence” “OK, all good examples of “learnt” leadership now how about answering the question I actually asked, I said innate leadership." he said with a little sigh …. Here we go again I thought … no point in making something up, so I just gave him my best blank stare.

“OK how about when you were 5 and Nana fell over when you went out for a walk you took control … you made her comfortable and sent one of your friends to get help...you took the lead. No one taught you to do that. Your sister helping that poor girl who was choking in the park … no medical training but something told her to step up and help ...she took the lead”

“But Dad is that really leadership?” “Well in both cases you and your sister didn’t panic, had clarity in the moment, acted with good judgement and people around you trusted you and did as they were asked ...sounds like leadership to me .. and let’s remember neither of you had been trained or taught how to handle these situations. So we could say leadership is an innate characteristic we all have with clarity and confidence at its core”

“Dad but that isn’t the same as leadership in the corporate world now is it?”

“Well I agree you need additional knowledge and aptitude which you can learn and also having experience is bound to help but at the core of strong leadership are all the things you demonstrated with Nana … from somewhere you were in the right frame of mind, you clearly communicated what you wanted to happen with the clarity to guide others … you acted on a feeling and you got the desired result ..If you do that in the office would you say that is strong leadership. Isn’t that what your team and indeed the company are looking for in leaders?”

“Yes but work is much more complicated as are the people in my team it can’t be that simple.”

“Son as I have said many times life can be as complicated as you want to make it… I would suggest that if you are balanced and calm in meetings you will see with perspective and your insights will move you to respond intelligently in ways that are productive for you and those around you … this is leadership from within.”

“OK so if I remember our last chat if I recognise I’m feeling my thinking and not my circumstances, my mind will clear and a mind free from insecure thinking has clarity and perspective which should help me and the team?.”

“Well, well you do listen ..sometimes.” He said with a grin.

“Simply put your “state of mind” in a meeting is far more powerful than any training and models you may learn. How you show up and how you FEEL is more powerful and influential than anything you actually say. Your team will respond to your feelings, not just to the words. If you walk into a meeting angry or confused it will undoubtedly dilute whatever message you are trying to convey.”

"Leadership can be defined in terms of relationships and taught in terms of capacity to connect with your team and indeed your clients... if you can create and maintain a healthy environment for those around you the technical aspects of your leadership ... I think you called them attributes ... will always be enhanced with a healthy mindset."

"But Dad sometimes with deadlines or difficult team members you just have to push on .. isn't that leadership?"

"Now son I'm not saying your leadership attributes aren't important and they will be useful in the right circumstances but clear thinking leads to more understanding; enhancing your ability to prioritise, stay on task and share what is important with others... who is to say if and when someone is being difficult.. is it that they aren't clear on the objective ....are they having a bad day? With clarity this may become apparent and you can then openly discuss the issues in a way that is helpful and not patronising...."

"Now I recall someone once wrote...

"A Leader is best when people barely know they exist, when the work is done, the aims fulfilled, they will say ... "We did that ourselves"

"Dad I believe I'm starting to see what you are getting at and it FEELS right..."

"Then stop right there son .... that FEELING tells you all you need to know .... as that is your inner wisdom breaking through your over active thinking.... now pass me that spade these potatoes won't dig themselves up....."