Let's Get Vulnerable

"Vulnerability really means to be strong and secure enough within yourself that you are able to walk outside without your armor on. You are able to show up in life as just you. That is genuine strength and courage. Armor may look tough, but all it does is mask insecurity and fear."?

- Alaric Hutchinson

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Derived from the Latin word meaning to wound, it’s generally understood as opening yourself to the possibility of being physically and/or emotionally wounded. It’s why so many people resist being vulnerable, or open, with each other. Being yourself, laying the good and bad parts out for others to see, does create the possibility of being wounded. Someone could judge you, speak ill of you, or physically hurt you because they don’t like something that you’ve said or done. And yet, you know that in those moments that you have allowed yourself to be vulnerable, to be seen for exactly who you are, there’s relief and a shield of self-acceptance that is created. Create a strong enough shield and those perceived vulnerabilities can turn into strengths.?

Below are the archetypes that you can take on when vulnerability seems too risky to engage in. While you can be a combination of one or more, there’s probably one that resonates the most for you. In identifying with the manner in which you hold back, you can work on the antidote.?

The Perfectionist

You believe that if you are perfect, then no one can harm you. If you look the “right” way, do and say the “right” things, then no one can find fault with you, and you will never have to feel the pain of rejection or abandonment. You try so hard to show up perfectly that you don’t really show up at all. You are not present to those around you, or the moment. You are in your head, listening to the worries, and those around you can sense it. From their perspective, they might think that you are too quiet, that you have a wall up, or simply decide that you are fake, shallow, snobby, or cold. None of that is true, but because you didn’t give them a chance to meet the real you, it’s the conclusion they may draw.?

The Deflector

People like to be around you because you make them feel like they’re the only person in the room. You ask a lot of questions and are very interested in the person or people you are talking to. When they ask how you are doing, you answer quickly or make a joke, and then turn the conversation back to them. You do everything in your power to control the conversation so that you don’t have to open up about your pains, worries, or doubts, or joys for that matter. You don’t want to burden other people with your problems, so you keep the focus on them. People love to be around you, but it can feel lonely and hollow at times because you haven’t really given them a chance to know you and be there for you too.

The Truth Teller

You are straight forward, to the point, and don’t mince your words. You see through the bullsh*t and call people out on it. People describe you as tough, blunt, and a go-getter. Those around you think that you have it all together, but in reality, you’re always in a state of anxiety. You worry that you’re not making the right decisions and second guess yourself constantly. You believe your fierce independence is what keeps you from being in long term relationships, but it’s really that you are far more sensitive (and fearful of pain) than you let on. It’s nearly impossible for you to trust anyone, and as a result, you close off most opportunities to build deeper relationships.?

The Judge

There are things about yourself or your past that you are not happy with, maybe even ashamed of. You engage in negative self-talk, sometimes without even realizing it. You have a comment for everyone around you…they’re too (fill in the blank) to be wearing that outfit, they aren’t really that smart, they had it easy, they’re success is unwarranted - and the list goes on and on. The fear of facing your own weaknesses is so strong that you look outwards instead of in. You judge others before they have a chance to judge you. You want to feel more lightness and ease, but you often feel full of negativity. By not accepting your own flaws and beauty, it’s nearly impossible to accept others and this cuts you off from connecting with the people you want to.

The Antidote

You may feel alone, like you are the only person who has trouble being themselves, asking for help, revealing your flaws, but you are not alone. Every person I have ever spoken with has had their trust shattered and their heart broken. The only difference is in the number of degrees. I can also tell you that not one person who insists on shielding themselves from hurt has ever been successful. In fact, by trying so hard to not hurt your own heart, you end up hurting both them and yourself. Life is a blend of pleasure and pain and there’s no way around that fact. What can provide solace is that every pain you experience makes you more resilient and knowledgeable. It makes it so that the next time you feel rejected, or abandoned, or misunderstood, you are able to bounce back a little faster, a little easier, and with a little more grace.?

It’s a fact that humans build trust through vulnerability. By sharing your secrets, worries, and fears with another person, you signal that you are choosing to trust them. This allows them to reciprocate and be vulnerable with you. As you continue to build the trust, you reveal your vulnerabilities and create a deeper, more meaningful connection. When this occurs, you are able to be seen and accepted for who you are, creating more confidence to show up authentically in more spaces.?

In Practice

Find someone who you feel safe with and start to build trust slowly. Allow some of your flaws to be shared and seen. Notice if and when you fall back into your normal thought patterns. When you notice them appearing, acknowledge them and remind yourself that those thoughts, while there to protect you, can be put aside for a while. You are safe and everything is okay. As you open up more to this person you feel safe with, you will feel better equipped to do this with other people in your social circles, and eventually with strangers. You will start to notice when you feel safe (and okay to share) and when there is actual danger, and you would be better served in keeping your vulnerabilities hidden. Go slow and know that in doing this, you may experience anxiety, temporary embarrassment, or general discomfort. Just know that you’re not alone in these sensations or experiences. Even over-sharers feel this.?

The Reward

When you show up authentically as yourself, warts and all, and you are comfortable in your own skin, there’s not much someone can do to use your vulnerability against you. You have stripped the power away from them “exposing” something because you are not hiding anything. Getting to show up as who you are instead of how you think you should be frees up so much energy! Just think of what you could do if you didn’t have to spend so much time worrying about what people will think??