Lets Connect # Let's not Wait #

All of us talk about Depression. In the least, we've all heard about it. Every time the news of a celebrity dying by suicide reaches our TV sets, there is a collective outpouring of woke proclamations about how important mental health is; about how we should raise our kids to be resilient and so on. Many people take time out to post wordy messages on their social media accounts declaring how they are ' always' available in case ' anyone who is reading the post' needs them. But how many of us actually take time out to check on people who we aren't in touch with beyond likes and comments? Hardly any. And even if we do, our boundless concern doesn't last long. We lose ourselves in our daily grind almost soon after we pledge, on social media, to never leave our friends alone only to be jolted back into awareness when we hear the news of yet another suicide.

Depression, and associated self harm is a multifaceted problem with myriad neurological, biological, social, cultural and economic causes. It seems overly optimistic to believe that we can 'help' a person struggling with depression with a simple phone call. It seems even more naive to reach out to people just to check in on them. However, we must realize that social connections, and meaningful interactions do contribute significantly to a person's overall mental health. So, even though the act of making a phone call seems small, it can make a very real difference especially to someone who is struggling to keep dementors at bay. Psychologists insist that sometimes a meaningful interaction can be the difference between life and death. So, when we know that people may be struggling (because everyone struggles), and that a simple call from us can make them feel better ( at least temporarily) , why don't we reach out ? Is it because these days we fear that our reaching out may be construed as an intrusion? If that's so, then let me share an incident from my life that changed my perspective - So, the story begins with me making a chance acquaintance with a lovely, young girl. She was kind, funny and genuine; and we became friends almost immediately. Over time I came to know about her marital circumstances which weren't too great to say the least. She was being hounded by her husband and his family to bear children when apparently there were some complications which had prevented a pregnancy so far. As someone who was significantly older than she was, and who had borne a child quite recently , I kept telling her that she has a long fertile life ahead of her . I was assured that with all the progress fertility treatments have made over the years, starting a family for a couple as young as they were should not be an issue at all. But I could see that my optimism or my advice did not quite make a dent. She was under tremendous pressure to procreate ( as if the responsibility to do so was somehow hers alone) , and was being made to go through extreme (and illogical) ends to 'become' a mother including fasting, praying and even abandoning work just so she can 'focus' on her wifely duties. I was baffled , even appalled by the behavior of her in-laws, and for the life of me couldn't understand their obsession with getting their very young daughter in law pregnant right away.

We had been in touch only for a month at this point ; and even though I was quite invested in her, we weren't in touch as much as we probably should've been. Maybe, if I had called her more often, or more specifically, had I called her on the night of 25th Feb 2021 , she wouldn't have succumbed to death because she had 'failed' to conceive yet again. We'd spoken a couple of days before her death, and her phone had been switched off since. Initially, I didn't think much of it but when she didn't call back , I did begin to get apprehensive. I tried to reach out to her workplace and her Facebook friends and even her husband - but my efforts turned out to be in vain.

Till date, I can't help feeling that I should have done something more, done something sooner. My regret can't bring her back from the dead, but it can teach me ( and all of us) a very important lesson - that reaching out to your friends isn't an act of intrusion.  If you get a sense that someone is at a vulnerable point in their lives, don't shy away from reaching out to them proactively; don't wait for them to call or message . Just reach out. Believe me, it will save you a lifetime of 'if only I had.."

I know that I cannot hold myself responsible for her passing. I don't. I understand that mental health issues can't disappear by just talking to your friends. But the fact of the matter is that our social structures do have a huge role in aggravating or mitigating the impact of adverse life circumstances. If my friend had had a more supportive paternal family; if she'd had gentle medical counselling; I believe the outcome would have changed. Even if she'd had one very persistent friend who refuses to leave her side when she is 'sad' - she may have lived to see another day.

Nonetheless, I don't want to wallow or just point fingers. That's why I've made a vow - to abandon all accounting in relationships. I am no longer keeping score of who reaches out first, or how many times. I will reach out to people I care about frequently and often. I will not wait for them to put in 'equal' effort; especially because I realize that those who are struggling will hardly have the energy (or inclination) to maintain relationships ; so the onus of staying in touch falls on the healthier one in the relationship at any given time.

If you too know someone who might be struggling, while you are at a relatively easier place in your life - I'd urge you to be more available, more responsive.

Your presence will make a difference. Who knows it may even save a life.  # Jyoti Rawat#