Let's be clear: The F-word wins - all day, every day

Obviously, I am referring to Feedback. While a case can be made for the other F Word; that is an article for another day.

Word on the street is that feedback is bad for the human spirit, especially at work. It appears that feedback has fallen under attack recently by “experts” in the field of leadership. I read a book late last year that suggested developmental feedback is a big no-no; that rather than tell someone what they are doing wrong we should focus on their strengths. Obviously, I am paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

I struggled for months to write this piece, because while I have respect and admiration for the author who is making these claims I believe it is quite irresponsible to suggest that feedback fails every time. If you recall, Harvard Business Review published one of their magazines last year with the words: Why Feedback Fails on the cover. Wow. I was blown away.

My objective with this piece is to help everyone who works, who leads, manages or just interacts with anyone, anywhere in a meaningful relationship of some sort to understand how important feedback is – even when it conveys less-than-desirable information.

I have been working in a corporate setting for 26 years; in a leadership role for 20 years; and, in human resources for the last 14 years of my career. Yes, feedback can and absolutely does fail, but it does not fail because it is feedback. It fails because people simply don’t know how to deliver it; they don’t feel they need to deliver it (people should know better); or, they are terrified to deliver it and just don’t. There is one other reason why feedback fails, but I firmly believe this is the exception and not the rule. There are people in this world who want to see others fail – so they intentionally deliver feedback in a hurtful, malicious manner that does crush the human spirit. These particular people are in the minority, so let’s not give them a stage here.

Imagine not giving a hospital nurse feedback that she is using a dangerous method to intubate a patient. Imagine not giving an airline pilot feedback that a certain maneuver he/she executed in the simulator has actually resulted in a real-life crash. I could go on and on with examples of where withholding feedback could literally result in serious harm to human beings.

I can say with a high degree of confidence that most, if not all employees do not come to work with the goal and intention of making mistakes. So, why then would we NOT give people feedback when they do something incorrectly, or when their decisions yield less than optimal results? It simply does not make sense.

I read another great book years ago called Crucial Conversations. Cover to cover this book is filled with gems for managers and leaders, but one thing in particular stood out for me “The Fool’s Choice.” In the book – and I am paraphrasing here – the authors state that for some reason we believe that when we deliver feedback we have to choose between being honest and being kind. The reality is we can and should do both – be honest with people in a kind and compassionate manner. I can’t tell you how often I fell into this trap in my early years as a manager. I was often heard saying, “I am brutally honest.” I bragged about my brutal honesty actually. I gave it to people right between the eyes and really thought that was the best approach. I am grateful to have learned that honesty and brutality should never co-exist. I owe that to Crucial Conversations.

About ten years after reading Crucial conversations and many other great books about communication and leadership I realized that I needed some guidelines for delivering feedback of any kind to temper my tendency to be incredibly direct – and yes, brutal in my delivery of critical feedback to my employees. I developed a process that really worked for me. It allowed me to script or create talking points for my one on one meetings, performance evaluations and eventually on the spot, ad-hoc feedback. The last one took some time. I want to share this “model” for lack of a better term, because now more than ever we need to step up our communication. We need to give each other feedback. We need to praise good effort, reward great results, and guide people when they steer off the path to success, or as I often to refer to it: the yellow brick road. We are living in a very challenging time right now with COVID-19. We are separated from our teams, our friends and in many cases our own families. Physical distancing should not mean social isolation. It should not mean shutting out the world, and it certainly should not mean withholding the gift of feedback.

Here is the model:

F is for Facts: Stick to the facts.

When you deliver feedback, it should focus on the events that took place. It should focus on what the individual did, or did not do; say, or did not say, which has prompted the need for feedback. Your opinion has no place in this discussion. How you feel about what the person did is something you need to keep to yourself. Why? Well, because the moment you interject your opinion the feedback becomes personal rather than factual. The feedback is viewed as an attack on the individual rather than an opportunity to correct a behavior or improve upon a process. Think about this for a moment. The minute someone feels personally attacked it is game over! So, keep the feedback focused on the behavior, the action, or the process. The minute it becomes about – or appears to become about the person it has failed.

I is for Impact: The “so-what” component.

Going back to my earlier example about the pilot. Now that you have communicated to him/her that this maneuver they practiced in the simulator is less than desirable you have to explain the “so-what” part. Who cares? It is less than desirable, it’s not standard operating procedure. So what? When you connect an action to a significant impact it will oftentimes cause the individual to pause and reflect on what they did. It may even make them rethink their approach. When you tell that pilot, “Hey, the last time someone tried that in mid-air it caused the plane to go into an immediate, unrecoverable nose-dive. The plane crashed. 6 people died.” Wow! What an impact statement!! Now, not every impact will be this severe. Try to tie the impact to the team, the company, the customer, or better yet to the individual. Is there a possible impact to the person’s pay? Now you’ve hit the jackpot.

A is for Action: What are you doing about this?

I found myself having to clearly explain my actions to the recipients of feedback. Not justify my action, but explain what I am doing about the situation. In some cases, I was there to coach, support, and/or inspire. In other cases, I was there to take formal action – a corrective action, a counseling memo, or a termination. Then there were those moments where I was there to praise, recognize, express gratitude, and genuinely love on my people. Action is a necessary step in the process. What role are you playing in this? As a leader, you play a strong supporting role in your employees’ lives. This is where you explain that role.

E is for Expectations: Set clear expectations or reaffirm expectations.

Don’t just give people feedback without setting or re-setting expectations. Be sure they are clear. What actions, attitudes or behaviors do you expect, by when? How are you going to measure them? Are your expectations realistic? Are they relevant? Does this process sound familiar? It should. It is based on the SMART method of setting goals. There is no shame to professional plagiarism.

S is for Support: Describe the support you will offer in meeting expectations.

Your job as a leader is to facilitate the success of your team members. Yes, you serve THEM. If you firmly believe your team is there to serve you, well, you might want to reconsider your career. Perhaps a dictatorship in a small country somewhere is better suited for you. The research is clear on this topic. Leaders who support their teams are far more successful than those who expect their teams to be at their beck and call. How will you help this employee get back on the yellow brick road? How will you help them continue to succeed if this is a praise conversation? When you effectively support your team, they inevitable make you hugely successful.

R is for Repercussions: Yes, there are repercussions at work – and in life.

This is the part where I personally feel we fail our people. We want to be liked so much as leaders that we fail to clearly communicate the reality of repercussions. If you don’t do your job you won’t have a job. Wow, that was brutal right? Yes, so please don’t actually say that to your employees unless it is absolutely necessary. I have had the misfortune of having to tell people that their job is in jeopardy. I have had to look people in the eyes and say, “we have given you every resource possible – every training, every tool. We have supported you in every possible way, yet the results are still not showing. I need you to know that your job is now in jeopardy.” I bet the Simon Sineks of the world are cringing right now. The bashing is happening as you read the rest of this article. Before you decide to troll me, know this: before I have ever uttered those words to anyone, I have done everything short of doing their job for them. I have asked them what’s going on? I have asked them if they are okay. I have – while treading lightly – asked if there is something going on in their personal lives that is impacting their work. I have explored other options like a different role believing that they might not be in the right seat on the bus. Believe me when I say that “your job is now in jeopardy” is my last and final option. How often have I said that? Thankfully, not very often in my career. The probing to understand the why behind poor performance or behaviors has more often than not led to solutions that improved performance.

This model or guideline to feedback is not a silver bullet. It works most, but not all the time. It works with most, but not all people. The reality is there is no singular perfect method to deliver feedback, but to say that delivering feedback is a bad thing; to even imply it is, in my opinion wrong and can be dangerous. Focusing on strengths is great. Yes, do that, but don’t do it instead of giving feedback. Focus on strengths while you give people the wonderful gift that feedback actually is. You will find that feedback – when delivered appropriately - instills trust, creates strong teams and yields great results. The relationships on your team will become stronger. You will be respected for your transparency and commitment to helping your team members grow. You and your teams will win all day, every day.