Let Your Neurodiversity be Your Compass
I’ve spent most of my life feeling like a misfit. If you search ‘square peg in round hole’, you’d find my chirpy little face grinning away next to the definition of it. I am proud to be different but it hasn’t always been easy navigating my way in a world built for neurotypical brains having ADHD. In fact, it’s been incredibly challenging at times.
One of the greatest lies that I’ve heard is that great minds think alike.?
They absolutely do not. Great minds think very differently. That is, in itself, the definition of what neurodiversity is. Celebrating the fact that all our brains are spectacularly different and unique in their own individual way.?
How boring would it be if we did all thought alike?!?
I never did the university thing. I didn’t even do the college thing because I couldn’t make my mind up what I wanted to do. I struggled at school because I was often distracted and disruptive. It was never picked up upon that I had ADHD because back then, ADHD stereotypes were unfairly rife. I got my homework done and I was mostly in class on time, although my sick leave was terrible.?
Amazingly, I managed to get my head down and do pretty well with my GCSEs. However, this wasn’t through receiving support or extra help from anyone, just my own sheer determination to get on and get out of dodge! I couldn’t wait to leave school and not be told what to do anymore, which was probably another reason why I ricocheted straight from school and into the workplace.?
Despite having a college place lined up, I jumped ship at 16 and went to work for a major high street bank because money was a big motivator for me… As it would be for any teenager straight out of school!?
Although I had left the confines of secondary school education, being in a workplace with such responsibility created even more struggles. Suddenly, I found myself unable to stand under the pressures of taking home bank vault keys and handling more money than I’d ever even seen before. Being different also means that you stick out like a sore thumb and can make people feel uncomfortable.?
Making people feel uncomfortable and treat me differently is something that I have always had to face. I’ve been called weird, been spoken about, bullied and had some super strange reactions towards me. As I’ve grown both older and wiser, I’ve realised that it says so much more about them than me. I have often found in situations where people have acted this way towards me, that it usually comes from a place of jealousy. You can be the nicest person in the world but you cannot stop people with their big green envy monster where it takes over. People and their opinions of me are no longer something that I even think about as I am 100% comfortable in my own skin and with who I am.?
My mum once described me as ‘a butterfly trapped behind glass’ when I worked at the bank. She couldn’t have been more spot on. I felt trapped and I felt down. So one day when I’d had just about enough, I skipped down to the postbox outside the bank and posted my resignation letter, grinning like the cheshire cat . I had no plan or job lined up but quitting what was making me miserable at that time seemed the most important thing to me. I had to release the pressure valve that was violently bubbling away under the surface.?
Little did I know that quitting and I would become quite the best of friends in years to come. My 9-5 employed career lasted somewhere around 17 years all in all and I really did hate every moment of it. Those familiar feelings of feeling trapped behind the glass resurfaced within months of starting a new job.?
The narrative was always the same… I’d decide to leave, get a new job, feel excited about it and then the dark clouds would come. It is absolutely exhausting to constantly wear a mask and to try and be like everyone else. Inside I would be screaming and outside it manifested as tears, frustration and erratic moods. My entire mind, body and spirit was on this never ending merry go round ride and it was taking its toll on my mental health.?
Once I reached that stress level, it was like the point of no return and so the job search would start again. Going back to studying didn’t feel like an option as I just couldn’t make it fit.?
I’ve actually tried many times over the years to study at uni. I’ve been offered places on 6 different courses at 4 different unis. But each time, my internal compass has reminded me that long study isn’t suited to me… and that’s ok.?
Each time, just like my employed career, I’d always try something different. Nursing, creative writing, graphic design, psychology…?
I’ve always been chasing for ‘that thing’ and every time I started a new job or decided on a new course of action, I would be convinced that ‘this is it’ and that I had finally found it. But it never was that thing and neither was it my fault that those feelings of joy dulled down, as I would come to realise.?
Although it has certainly been a long and winding road of ups and downs while I’ve explored myself and tried things out, it gave me great learning opportunities. I have met interesting people along the way who have inspired me, without even realising it. I have also met some people who have not had such a positive effect but it’s enabled me to see the kind of people I want in my life and the ones who I don’t.?
In my early twenties, I took 6 weeks out to go and train to be a Makeup Artist and I loved it. It was pretty much a perfect amount of time for me to study and I just about managed to stick to it. Being creative was something that I always loved even when I was a little girl. Being able to be creative was the best feeling and getting paid for it too? Well, it was a huge win win for me.?
It was the perfect escapism from the boring 9-5 office Groundhog Day that I was forever caught in.?
It turned out to be a nice side hustle and break from the 9-5 and I even spent a couple of years doing makeup as my full time job. I had some huge wins and successes from it including being on TV and in the national press too. I was quite the entrepreneur in the makeup world having not only built up a hen party makeup business but also having founded the very first bricks and mortar makeup school, right here in Brighton
However, after a good decade of doing makeup, those familiar feelings of discontentment and unrest began to resurface, making me realise that I was done doing makeup. And so, I sold both businesses, hung up my makeup brushes and retired .?
Not bad for someone who left school at 16 with a basic secondary school education, huh?!?
As much as this was the best move for me at that time, I was met with a bit of an existential crisis following this…. What on earth do you do once you’ve ‘completed’ your dream career?!?
Well, cry a lot, that is for sure! It left me with many questions, a lot of self exploration and a lot of trying different things to see what fit for me next. I even went back into the 9-5 for a few years while I sorted myself out and it did serve a purpose. It allowed me time to take a breather, find stability and the time to find myself again.?
It’s been a long process and of course, now, I’m sorted but it’s taken years. Juggling that situation with my mental health has been very challenging at times but eventually, I got there. At the time, my mind was a muddle of erratic thoughts and I had a body filled with exhaustive emotions. I yearned for some time out from being an entrepreneur for a while as it is very much all consuming. I allowed myself time to heal, to reflect and to rest.?
The funny thing is that it wasn’t until I realised that I had ADHD and then was diagnosed with it that I found my next career path and journey. And it’s one that is from the heart, full of passion and purpose too. All those years following leaving makeup where I was trying to find the next big thing when actually, it was never going to come to me at that time.?
Being diagnosed with ADHD was a shock for me but it also bought me so much clarity too. I was diagnosed late at age 37… All those years of not knowing why I was the way that I was, why I felt emotion like I did and why I just couldn’t stick to things. Everything became so so clear to me.?
There is a lot to be said for having clarity in your life.?
What it also made me realise was that I had spent my entire life prior to diagnosis, making and fighting against my neurodiversity, rather than embracing it and allowing it to lead me. If I had, things would have been so much easier and I would have been a lot kinder on myself too.?
Having struggles with our mental health can make us all be really hard on ourselves and I am no exception to this. All those years quitting, changing my mind and everyone in my life thinking that I was just super flakey and going through phases.?
Some people may see me as a serial quitter?
Others may see me as someone who is never happy?
But I see myself as someone who has let their neurodiversity be their compass.?
I spent years trying to fit into round holes but this square peg just doesn’t fit! I’ve tried to shrink into jobs and even tried to be happy in big boxes that allowed me a lot of room.
But in the end, it meant changing who I am, dulling down my light and ultimately, making myself miserable.?
My neurodiversity now takes centre stage in my life. I have spent many years masking and trying to be a cookie cutter version of myself that would be more acceptable in society. I wanted people to like me and so I always shrunk down and masked to make them feel more comfortable. But now I know that this isn’t the way to live. I now stand in my full unmasked glory and if people feel uncomfortable with that, well that’s on them, not me.?
Sure, I have to navigate frustrating things with managing my ADHD, and also dyspraxia too, such as meltdowns, sensory overloads and emotional intensity, which can be really challenging at times. But would I change myself? Definitely not! I’m me! My neurodiversity makes me, me!?
When you make the decision to let your neurodiversity lead, you make the decision to live a life designed by you, for you. You live your life on your terms, led by your happiness and joy.?
Letting my neurodiversity lead has resulted in my own happiness, joy and a handful of successful businesses including two businesses that I even sold. Not forgetting also a career that I love and that fills me with purpose.?
Not letting my neurodiversity lead resulted in 20 different jobs, sick leave warnings and depression. It was awful.?
You are not broken.?
You do not need fixing.?
You do not need to feel guilt for being the way that you are.?
There is nothing wrong with you.?
You are fine just the way that you are.?
The problem is the world that we live in is made for neurotypical brains.?
When we begin to design our world around us to suit us and our unique brains, that is when we truly start living.?
So, ditch the mask, lean into what makes you happy and let your neurodiversity be your compass.