Let your first word be your breath: a simple shift for better conversations

This year has been one of unexpected growth, with its fair share of highs and moments where I’ve had to shift frustrations into lessons. Through it all, I’ve been learning how to find peace and improve my communication—not just with others but also with myself. I’m not there yet, but I want to share a few things I’ve picked up along the way, hoping they might help someone else, too.

One part of my journey has been through a leadership initiative at work, where we read and discuss books to uncover what works and how we can be better leaders.

One that made a big impact was Emotional Intelligence 2.0,?a very intuitive read. I’d heard of it before, but sometimes the stars need to align for you to truly take notice. It’s been eye-opening, particularly around mindfulness and how it can deepen relationships and improve communication.

Not long ago, I attended a conference where Jefferson Fisher , a keynote speaker I follow on social, shared some impactful communication insights. One in particular stuck with me:

Let your first word be your breath.

It’s not the first time I’ve heard this concept—I’ve also heard advice like “throw away your first thought,” which leads to a similar outcome—but this came at the perfect time, given the leadership effort at work.

Sometimes, the first thing that pops into your head isn’t the best way to say what you mean, especially in tough conversations. Pausing to breathe before speaking gives you a moment to reset and choose your words carefully.

And let’s be real, that tiny pause can be the difference between diffusing tension or adding fuel to the fire!

A pause that changes conversations

Letting your first word be your breath is like giving yourself a mental time-out before jumping into the conversation. It’s not just about collecting your thoughts (though that’s important). It also signals to the other person, “I hear you, and I’m thinking about what you said.” This simple pause can make all the difference.

This idea ties perfectly into Emotional Intelligence 2.0. Emotional intelligence is about being aware of your feelings and how they impact what you say. By taking a breath, you give yourself time to recognize those emotions, so you don’t end up blurting something you might regret. It also helps you avoid the trap of focusing more on what you’ll say next instead of actually listening.

Active listening versus listening to respond

Here’s the cool part—when you pause to breathe, it shows the other person you’re really listening. It’s like saying, “Hold on, I’m giving your words some thought. Your point matters.” This small act makes conversations feel more connected and respectful, even when you don’t agree. It’s like hitting a little “refresh” button—it slows things down and lets the conversation unfold more thoughtfully.

When you let your breath be your first word, you’re shifting from listening to respond to active listening. Listening to respond is when you’re just waiting for your turn to speak, while active listening is all about being fully present and focused on the other person. Why does this matter? Because when people feel heard, they’re more likely to open up, trust you, and have a more meaningful conversation.

Putting it into action: three tips

1. Count to three: Before you say anything, count to three in your head. It sounds basic, but that pause gives you time to breathe, gather your thoughts, and avoid jumping straight into a reaction. Plus, it makes you look wise and thoughtful—like you’re really mulling things over!
2. Ask a clarifying question: Use the pause to ask a quick clarifying question like, “Can you explain that a bit more?” This gives you extra time to process what was said and shows the other person you’re genuinely interested in understanding their point of view. It shifts the focus from reacting to exploring.
3. Take a deep breath: Literally take a deep breath before you speak. It helps calm strong emotions and gives you a moment to reset. Even if you’re frustrated or excited, this simple trick keeps you centered and helps you respond more thoughtfully.?

The power of pausing

Taking that breath isn’t just good for you—it’s a small but powerful way to show the person you’re talking to that you’re fully engaged and truly listening. It’s emotional intelligence in action, with a side of calm and kindness.

The next time you’re in a tricky conversation, try letting your breath be your first word. It may seem small, but it can have a big impact. You’ll be surprised how much smoother and more meaningful your conversations become.

I’d love to hear how you practice emotional intelligence in your daily interactions—what little tricks do you use to stay calm and connected? Share your thoughts in the comments!

?