Let Us All Lean In With Empathy

A life taken too soon makes grief run deep. The death of a child is a tragedy of a young life of unknown potential. We feel for the family and mourn. But the death of an adult at a professional peak, living in the public eye, forces us to not only share the family’s grief, but also to consider our own mortality and that of those we love.

Like so many, I was deeply touched recently by the tragic deaths of Vice President Joe Biden’s son, Beau, and Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s husband, David Goldberg.

You didn’t have to know these young men or even agree politically with their famous families to feel the deepness of the loss. Their early deaths erased the gap of the families’ wealth and power.

Beau Biden seemed to have it all; a brilliant career, a wonderful family and a beloved father serving in the No. 2 national job. And despite the fishbowl of Washington, his dad remained a devoted father. The depth of tragedy the vice president has suffered with the loss of his first wife and infant daughter four decades ago in a car crash, and his devotion to his son, Beau, who survived the accident, amazes me. Joe Biden was sworn into the U.S. Senate in 1973, at Beau’s hospital bedside as he recovered. As a young senator, Biden daily commuted two hours each way from Wilmington, Del., to Washington (the papers dubbed him “Amtrak Joe”), a prime example of the type of moral fiber that we want in our leaders.

As my tribute to him, I no longer stay quiet when the vice president is derided for being human and speaking his mind without a censor. I am tired of politicians self-filtering, afraid of a gaffe and thus never revealing who they really are. How can we elect politicians if we play the “gotcha game” and reject the real salt-of-the-earth Joe Bidens, with all of their imperfections? While Biden and I don’t share some policy positions, in my view he has the moral conviction, the empathy, the heart and the experience to be a serious contender for president.

The death of David Goldberg and his wife Sheryl Sandberg’s public, emotional response have brought me to tears. Twice. Her public posts immediately and 30 days after her husband’s death moved me. They make me want to hug my wife and children and keep them close. Her willingness to share her story and turn her grief into a learning experience for others may have been cathartic for her — but to me, it was a huge act of charity for all of us. 

I have long been a fan of Sandberg’s book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. When I speak to groups about innovation and business strategies for success, I frequently ask participants to raise their hands if they’ve read Lean In. At every event, several women raise their hands. Never once have I found a man who has read her book. I often wonder why. Do they not know women? Do they not have daughters?

Sandberg has redefined what it means to create a fair and equitable workplace, in a culture where women are almost always called on to do more — and are judged differently — often while running their families and performing their jobs under severe time constraints..

It’s possible to understand the pain and sadness Sandberg and Biden are experiencing, and even to shed tears on their behalf. But perhaps we can go further. It doesn’t require giving money to their favorite causes; after all, they have power and money to go way beyond what most of us can do, even collectively. What if we do something more difficult: What if we open our minds?

Let us honor Vice President Biden by resisting the unfair caricature of him as not elite enough to meet some outdated standard for higher office. Let’s honor his fundamental decency, his honesty and his character when dealing with tragedy. Biden deserves our respect and support now more than ever. And if he runs for office again, let us judge Biden on his policy positions. He has certainly proven he has the character to be president.

And let us honor Sheryl Sandberg and her willingness to help us, despite her own enormous grief, by not only exposing our daughters, mothers and wives to her ideas, but also let us read them ourselves. More, let us think about how we treat our female colleagues, bosses and employees and whether we understand the burdens they carry at home and the enormous contributions they make at work. Let us encourage them to lean in, and when they do, let us offer our hand. Lifting a hand to those who lean in is what decent people do.

Vice President Biden and Sheryl Sandberg have given us much. These two have taught us that leadership isn't about wealth, position or power. It's about principles, priorities, honesty, vulnerability and courage, even in unthinkable circumstances. 

Let us be the decent people we are and honor them, mirroring a fraction of their courage, by opening our minds, listening with our hearts and extending our hands.