Let Them Be Angry! (even at me)

Ever find yourself getting riled up when someone's actions clash with your values? Like, when someone fudges the truth to get ahead – makes my blood boil, honestly. Yet, the thought of someone being upset with me? Oh, no. I'd bend over backwards to smooth things over, searching high and low for what I did wrong. Sounds a bit lopsided, right? It certainly wasn't a healthy balance.

I realized I needed a shift in perspective. While it's not always comfortable, feeling angry or upset is a valid human experience. These feelings can actually be quite helpful, guiding us towards what truly matters, even playing a role in our survival. So, who am I to deny someone that experience? They have every right to their feelings, just as I do. And it's not my job to fix it for them. Their emotions, their responsibility. It's a bit like that saying, "Jeder ist seines Glückes Schmied" – everyone is the architect of their own fortune, including their emotional landscape.

This doesn't mean I'm not open to discussing things. I am. Sharing perspectives can be incredibly valuable. But it does mean I'm not going to automatically jump into "fix-it" mode just because someone's upset.

Shadow Work: Taming Your Inner Gremlin (and Other People's Too)

This journey of self-discovery has led me to explore "Shadow Work," inspired by the work of C.G. Jung. It's a fascinating area for finding that balance between being receptive to others and staying true to yourself. It's about understanding and integrating all aspects of ourselves, even the parts we might not like so much.

Ever catch yourself judging someone harshly for a trait you secretly recognize in yourself? Or maybe you've been on the receiving end of someone else's misplaced anger, feeling like you're being blamed for something you didn't do? If so, you've likely encountered the fascinating world of shadow work and projections.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions.” (Carl Jung)

Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung introduced the idea of the "shadow self" – the parts of ourselves we suppress, deny, or deem unacceptable. These can be anything from negative traits like anger or insecurity to positive ones like creativity or assertiveness that we might have been told to hide.

I remember once working with a team where one colleague, let's call him Mark, was constantly criticizing Sarah's presentations. He'd nitpick every detail, often quite aggressively. It wasn't until later, during a team-building exercise, that Mark confessed his own deep fear of public speaking. His harsh criticism of Sarah was a projection of his own insecurities. He was essentially wrestling with his own shadow self by attacking it in someone else.

My observation has been that projections are a natural human defense mechanism. We see in others what we don't want to acknowledge in ourselves. It's like holding up a mirror to someone else, but the reflection is distorted by our own hidden biases and fears. This can lead to misunderstandings, conflict, and a general sense of unease in our interactions.

So, what can we do about it? Here are a few insights I've gathered:

• Self-Reflection: The first step is always self-awareness. When you feel a strong emotional reaction to someone, positive or negative, ask yourself: "What is this triggering in me?" Is there a part of myself I'm not acknowledging? This can be uncomfortable, but it's crucial for personal growth.
• Empathy: Try to understand where the other person is coming from. Their behavior might be a reflection of their own struggles, insecurities, or past experiences. This doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it can help you respond with more compassion and less judgment.
• Communication: Instead of reacting defensively, try to communicate your feelings and observations in a constructive way. For example, instead of saying, "You're always criticizing me," try saying, "I feel hurt when my work is criticized without constructive feedback. Can we discuss how we can improve communication?"
• Boundaries: While understanding and empathy are important, it's also crucial to set healthy boundaries. You don't have to tolerate abusive behavior, even if you understand its origins.

Shadow work isn't about becoming perfect. It's about integrating all parts of ourselves, the good and the "bad," so we can live more authentically and build healthier relationships. It’s a lifelong journey, and sometimes, you might need a little help navigating the terrain.

What are your experiences with shadow work and projections? I'd love to hear your thoughts and insights in the comments below! Let's learn from each other.