Let the Sun shine again...

The other day a long lost friend from school, with whom I wasn’t in touch from eons ago, sent me a FB invite to connect. At first I wasn’t too sure who it was, as she had changed her name post-marriage. I did what all of us do naturally– I ignored it! Then she sent me a message about who she was…. It was a feeling that one gets when you are splashed with the warm, tingly sea waves standing on the beach! I felt happy… and sad… and somehow the memories this brought back were filled with so much hurt and pain and anger. Well, not against her – but yes she did hurt me for leaving so suddenly and never connecting… until now.

What surprised my was I had thought that I had dealt with my past hurt and negativities. But the conversation we had left me with so many memories gushing out of nowhere and overwhelming me. All the bullies, the tormentors, the abusers from the past started showing up in my thoughts and I could see the helplessness and vulnerability of it all. I felt hurt, upset and moreover I was now angry!! Angry at them for being who they were and angry at myself for not standing up for myself then. It took a great deal of inner work to become calm and whole again. 

Today as I write this I want to address why it's so difficult to let go of past hurt and pain and all the negative feelings we feel, so easily. And yes there is a way out too. So what could be the reasons we hold on past hurt/pain so fiercely?  I realised a few points which I shall discuss below:

1.    The painful memories feel ‘safe’ and known – this holds you back from exploring new opportunities which you perceive as risks because you don’t know what will happen

2.    It gives us a sense of being in ‘control’- one feels that holding on to the painful experience you can keep it from happening again

3.    Holding on to the pain reminds us not to forgive the perpetrator

4.    Since these are my feelings – they seem familiar and known – how much ever uncomfortable they are – it feels comforting like a child’s safety blanket

5.    It make us feel special – a weird thing – but being victimised gets us a lot of sympathy from people and this feels good. It gives us attention although this means that we have to lock ourselves in our own prisons.

6.    It helps us seek love from others – because somewhere deep down I don’t want to take that responsibility for myself

One may argue that anything we experience is a part of us, that's called growing up ,this is a perspective, and also a mentality. I believe that we should understand ourselves as not static but dynamic and evolving selves (not always good not always bad but always learning). As for the trauma you experienced, yes you have been a victim but your mentality, your perspective will decide rather you maintain a victim's mentality. We are all hurt but we do not have to become "the one who has been hurt", we are all lied to but we do not have to become "the one who has been lied to", so it's the shift in knowing that you are not what happens to you, accepting that things will continue to happen to you, but that doesn't make you who you are, it certainly has it's impact but you play a role in how it shapes you. This is what I believe is called a growth mindset.

Most of us have been able to successfully get over traumatic events without a social science education or any self-development courses and in retrospect we are thankful of what it taught us, and why we are able to laugh at those events or to talk about them without the weight we use to tug around, this in my opinion takes us back to a shift in perspective. When I look out the window after saying to myself "this city is dirty", the graffiti, the rubbish on the ground, the emptied buildings, the homeless people become my focus. When I say "look at this beautiful city", my focus shifts to the trees, the homeless man getting handed some food, the bridge to my left, the park, I see all the people walking together, I even imagine they are having a nice time. This is what I believe to be key to letting things go. The right perspective gives us the freedom to understand the trauma, the power to focus on what is important, what can be learned, what can be done, and to know where not to linger.

So ask yourself, what is my perspective on this? How is it helping me? What am I focusing on? If I want to get over this what should I focus on?

So how do we learn to let go?

1.    Make a decision of letting go is the first step towards healing. Things won’t resolve over time and you will need to make conscious efforts to move on from this hurt. Else you may end up self-sabotaging. Believe me, this is empowering once you try it because now it puts you in control.

2.    Take responsibility for your hurt. This helps you to express what you felt to the perpetrator- getting it all out of your system. Analysing your pain can help you see how you were a part of the process when it happened and now you claim responsibility for your part.

3.    Stop blaming others for your pain. Being a victim may feel like being on the winning team where you are getting all the sympathy in the world. no amount of ruminating on the past hurt or pain will help overcome it, nor will all the sympathy. You will now need to make a choice and take responsibility for your happiness.

4.    Focus on the here & now. Stop telling yourself that story where the protagonist — you — is forever the victim of this other person’s horrible actions. You can’t undo the past, all you can do is to make today the best day of your life. When you focus on the here and now, you have less time to think about the past. When the past memories creep into your consciousness (as they are bound to do from time to time), acknowledge them for a moment. And then bring yourself gently back into the present moment. 

5.    Forgive them – and yourself! Forgiveness is the most tangible way of letting go. It’s also a way of empathizing with the other person, and trying to see things from their point of view. Forgiving yourself is the biggest and most difficult part of the process – yet the most important one. No point in beating up yourself over something which has passed.

Sometimes, holding on causes more damage than letting go! So I did exactly that.. I opened up my heart to let go of all the pain and hurt and humiliation I was carrying from years ago and connected up with not just this friend but with a few who I was avoiding for a while now! By doing so, I realised I made so much space within me for the love and joy the God has blessed me with now, something which I was giving so little space in my heart

I feel I have let in the sunshine…finally...