Let Someone Else Tell their Story Instead of You Telling Yours

A few months ago, I was on my way home at the end of the day. Or, so I thought.  Got in the car, turned the key, and a couple of warning lights popped up immediately. I had no idea what they were indicating so I pulled out the manual to see what was going on.  Not great.  Bottom line was that I didn’t need to drive and I needed to get to a garage. So I called AAA and waited for the tow truck. The driver came, loaded up my car, and we were on our way. 

Then, radio silence. 

I’m not a bad conversationalist and decent with the “small talk” but all I got in return was monosyllable responses. AWKWARD.

Was it me?

Did I lose my touch?

Was I in a crappy mood because I had to be towed?

I was thinking it was going to be one long ride home into the land of suburbia from DC – during rush hour traffic. I knew I had to do some rapport building if there was going to be any conversation.

I spotted some Dallas Cowboys paraphernalia in the back seat of the tow truck. There is a certain “love” between the Washington and Dallas football teams so I used that as my opening for conversation. Fortunately, it worked. He opened up and the conversation flowed from one thing until another. He was quite animated when he got going. We just had to find some common ground.

The Effective Building Block of Communication

Rapport building is a fundamental building block of effective communication. In my early career, I was a Social Worker. An essential component of my undergrad studies was focused on building rapport. You can’t have critical conversations without first building trust.  Those same techniques have served me well in the corporate world. 

Can you imagine the business world and relationships without rapport? Or even interviews? In fact, without rapport, there is little chance to influence or to persuade others. For many professions, success depends on your ability to build that rapport.

What works for me is to find a commonality or something that a person is interested in (like the driver’s Dallas Cowboys) but there are other tips that are suggested for effective rapport building.

In Robin Dreeke’s book, Not All about Me: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone,  the following rapport building techniques are suggested.

1. Match and Mirror Body Language

When you match and match body language, you not only listen with your ears but with your entire body. It tells the other person that you are present in the moment and your focus is on what they are saying. It’s about being in tune with them. 

You do this by emulating the posture the person is assuming. Is the person leaning backward or forward? What are they doing with their arms and hands? Observe and then match their gestures and posture. If the person is leaning backward and more relaxed, you don’t want to lean forward which could be misconstrued as being “in their face” and looking more aggressive.

2. Speak Slowly and Watch the Tone of Your Voice

Quick speech can sound nervous and not confident. Erratic people tend to speak quickly. Self-assured people speak more slowly. You sound more credible when you speak slowly compared to those who speak quickly. If you're with a person who speaks more softly than you, lower your voice so your tone is more in line with theirs.

3. Watch Your Ego and Validate Others

Don’t correct people and be careful of the one-upmanship. The best thing you can do is to simply listen. Building rapport isn’t about you. It’s about the other person. You don’t need to jump in with your own story. Encourage the other person to share their story.

Conversation is an exchange of stories. Each one waits until the other is done and then they begin telling their story. But with rapport building, you’re not quite there yet.  People who allow others to speak without taking their own turn are generally regarded as the better conversationalists. They are the best at building quick rapport.

Validation comes by way of listening. The difficulty most people have is to stop from jumping in and interjecting their own thoughts, ideas, and stories during the conversation. True validation, coupled with watching your ego, means that you have no story. You're simply there to hear their story.

4. Ask open-ended questions. How? When? Why?

Open ended questions are ones that don’t require a simple yes or no answer. They provide opportunities for more words, thoughts, or stories. That’s how great conversations come about.

Quick Tips: Rapport Building Behaviors

• Look at the other person at least 60% of the time. Give plenty of eye contact but not in the creepy kind of way. You don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable.
• When listening, nod and make encouraging sounds and gestures. It is a nonverbal cue for someone to keep talking.
• Smile. (That one’s easy!)
• If you are sitting lean forward towards the person you are talking to, with hands open and arms and legs uncrossed. This is open body language and will help you and the person you are talking to feel more relaxed.
• Use the other person’s name several times during the conversation.
• Use feedback to summarize, reflect and clarify back to the other person what you think they have said. This gives opportunity for any misunderstandings to be rectified quickly.
• Try to show understanding and demonstrate that you can appreciate how the other person feels and can see things from their point of view.
• When in agreement with the other person, openly say so and say why.
• Build on the other person’s ideas.
• Be non-judgmental towards the other person. Let go of preconceived ideas you may have.
• Be genuine.
• Offer a compliment, avoid criticism and be polite.