Let not others control our emotions!

Many of us rely a great deal on how we are perceived by others. We live in a notion that it’s imperative to create and sustain a great impression and dearly fear of failing to live up to the expectations of others. The basic flaw of this ideology is- it’s fragile. Many of us have learnt this truth in corporate environment in the hard way. Let’s focus on why-   

• People in leadership position change frequently so do the expectations. Leaders are also human beings and naturally prone to biasness in most of the cases. 
• Stakeholders have variety of motivations and expectations (again!)
• We are too eager in our quest to say the things what others want to hear from us. In the process we lose our core stance.
• In stressful times in most organizations only the colors (red, yellow, green) of the Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) take prevalence over everything else. It becomes irrelevant what effort was given and what processes are in place to recover the situation.
• Finally, the whole external influence driven approach is insubstantial as a decade of well-built reputation can be lost only by asking one so-called wrong question or challenging one so-called wrong person!

So what am I suggesting?

• Work on self-awareness: not as a one time activity but as a continuous pursuit to “understanding ourselves” and “what impact we have on others”. For starters- dedicate one hour each week to reflect on what “I” have done in the last week, what could have been done differently, why “I” have done things in the way “I” that have done. The key is to refrain from judgments as the objective is to understand self and the progress will be hindered if we focus otherwise.
• Consistency and communication: as the next step of self-awareness we have to behave consistently in different contexts and advocate our thought styles through different feedback sessions whenever we have the opportunity. This will support others to understand what they can expect from us. By this way we can take control of our own image. This does not mean we will be super popular (as some will like our way and many will not). This approach will liberate us from the endless effort of being the person others want us to be and will enable us with the opportunity to focus on our core strengths and actual development needs. We can focus more on harnessing the positive energy around us.     
• Ownership of emotions: we cannot control how others feel. What we say to a person and how s/he will interpret it largely depends on the receiving person. So the same person can respond differently on similar inputs based on her/his emotional status at that given point of time. Let me get a bit personal here- I have spent many sleepless nights over-analyzing emails from superiors and trying to understand what happened wrong finally to find out in the morning that nothing actually went wrong. So the key takeaway is let others take ownership of their emotions and we have to “own” our emotions as well. We should also refrain from replying emotional e-mails. This saves a lot of time and energy.                

I am not a self-proclaimed “Guru” in this aspect. I am learning and evolving just like all of you. This is the summary of a self-reflection session and someone out there may find these insights useful in the journey of self-discovery!

Bonus track: avoid reading work e-mails during weekends and holidays. I have never found it useful at all.