Let Go of YOUR Past
Past hurts and old injustices have a way of keeping us stuck in our tracks, unable to move forward or experience joy. It can take a radical reboot to get past yesterday.
Look Closely. A long shadow may be clouding your future. It's the shadow cast by the pain in your past—the parent who wasn't there, the ex who betrayed, the boss who humiliated you.
Or perhaps you're stuck in place by the unhappy residue of your own bad choices—the job you should have left earlier, the sexual secrets you keep, the doctor's visit you delayed.
It is heart-stopping easy to get stuck in the darkness of bad memories. They are emotional quicksand and exert a strong downward pull on the psyche.
Sometimes the past traps us through unexamined clutter spilling from every tabletop and corner, elbowing out the new and the possible.
Or it commandeers your daydreams, obsessively replaying old losses, past injustices, nagging guilts about the sibling you tormented or friend you let down.
Perhaps it lives on in litigation of a marriage although the divorce is a decade old, or in rage against the parent who belittled you, or at yourself because you once fell for someone else's lies.
The strong urge to right wrongs that can never be erased, to revisit hurt from which you should have been protected, to cling to lost love, to brood, to avenge—these are natural inclinations, to a point and for a time.
The power to get past the past does not lie primarily with the nature of events themselves. They count a lot, sure. But so do the steps forward a person is willing to take and how much effort he or she is willing to expend to push some emotional rock up, up, and out of the way.
Getting unstuck involves remembering an injury, but reconsidering it from a different, more empathetic perspective. Moving forward may mean reconfiguring a relationship so that you are less giving, more realistic.
But it rarely means cutting off those ties. Think alteration, not amputation.
Getting unstuck requires being truthful with yourself about how you feel—still angry, sad, or anxious, even though you wish you weren't—but holding out the possibility that someday you might feel better.
Is there anything you can't get over?
Yes and no.
You don't get over it, but you might find a different place to put it. You don't forget it, but the thought no longer intrudes. You don't pretend it wasn't bad, but you have a sense that you can heal. We don't get over the past. We get past it.
Getting past yesterday demands both thinking and doing. It's things we do as well as things we think that hold us unwittingly in a painful place. Arguably, it's easy to shift behaviors—that is, once you pause to consider them.
More intricately, getting beyond yesterday is a psychological high-wire act of letting go, of reevaluating experience and relinquishing old perspectives, of discarding cherished but mistaken beliefs (often about what it takes to be happy), of delicately but deeply recalibrating thoughts and feelings.
Letting go means something has to open in your head and in your heart, but that shift, that easing, comes up against our own invisible, often implacable resistance.
A great deal of psychological research attests to resistance even to positive change. It is one of the great marvels of clinical observation how much discomfort people can tolerate before they acknowledge the need for change. And change is always uncomfortable, at least at first.
Letting go fights more than the powerful magnet of the status quo.
It also comes into conflict with compelling; distorted thoughts that make holding on appear reasonable and right.
We are given to magical thinking ("If I make more money, she will come back to me"), to delusions ("I must keep gathering this evidence.
Somehow, I can be proven right if I stick with it"), to sheer errors of logic ("My kids have never appreciated or admired my collections, but they will someday.
That's why I have to hold on to them"). Each thought pattern is a cunning argument against letting go. Each needs to be directly challenged and rescripted before your heart and mind really open to a new state.
At its deepest level, the prospect of letting go forces us up against our three strongest emotional drivers: love, fear, and rage.
Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensue discussion or debate.
Thank you …Love itself is a powerful counterweight to letting go. Even when a relationship is out of your life—long after the breakup, the divorce, even the death—it may occupy your heart and your head.
Letting go means loosening that internal attachment, and therefore losing that love—again.
What makes the fresh loss worthwhile, of course, is that letting go of the old attachment opens up the real possibility of a new one in your life.
That would be sufficient, even inspiring motivation, except that it leaves a blank spot where the future lives, and we mostly fill such blank spots with fear
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of failure.
Fear of future loss and additional pain.
Fear makes us cling to what we know, however bad it makes us feel.
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Sticking Points
There's an array of specific behaviors that tend to mire us in the past. Many of us keep our homes crammed with under-used, outgrown, or unlovely objects.
Whether we're reluctant to face the emotional twinge of letting go or unwilling to invest the sheer time or effort it takes to divest, the mess clutters more than our closets.
It clouds our vision and blocks positive change.
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If those drawers are crammed with unpaid bills, take special notice.
Crushing debt casts a long shadow. Debt kills your spirit and your possibilities.
Face the problem, see a financial counselor, make a plan, and get out!
Fearsomely, there is that thing we do behind our own backs because we know we shouldn't do it: We continue contact—with the very person, the very situation, that was destructive in the first place.
We often don't get better until we stop going there. You know that; you just don't want to face it.
Starting at the deep end, acknowledge your secrets. Nothing nails us to the past more than the energy it takes to keep them. Then move forward by making a frank assessment of your character traits.
Do you have a taste for blame?
Pointing the finger feels so good, it's habit forming. But it makes you powerless.
Now take a hard look at your habits of thinking.
Have you allowed yourself to develop a rigid mind?
If so, know that you are trading the pleasure of certainty for the possibility of change. And you might want to pause to examine your most cherished memories—namely, those of past happiness.
From a distance, flaws disappear and good shimmers through. That's a joy, but it might make current reality dim by contrast.
Anchor Yourself in the Future
It's hard to let go of the past in the absence of a positive view of tomorrow. You need a vision of the future.
An investment in, a distraction through or an excitement about something ahead will supply the energy and the will to push you beyond the past.
Creating it requires deliberate mental focus.
Force yourself to take an online class with an eye toward getting a different degree. Hire a trainer and keep detailed records of your body's improvements.
Create a new sales target or envision a better job. Giving yourself a goal to work toward will help to tow you out of the quicksand of yesterday.
Sure, finding your way forward can be a fight. The new cozy nest will take the edge off the painful loss of an old family setting. Still, your emotional burden will be lighter.