Let Go of Suffering
Please do something for me. I invite you to explore letting go of the idea that you have to suffer for the life you want to live. And that you are not worthy of that life unless you are suffering. Oftentimes, people will see what other people have and think how great the other person’s life must be. They’ll think that the other person has it so great and is much more worthy of such an amazing life. This comparison syndrome has become more and more common with social media and the advent of…DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH — “The Influencer”. The side effect of thoughts like this is that you can think you have to work hard AND suffer to feel like you’ve achieved something. And then you silently force yourself to sit in anguish and feel like you haven’t earned it unless you stay in a state of torment, inside, and sometimes, out.?
You end up not even appreciating what you do have. It's the whole “grass is greener” concept. (Side note: Did you know that it’s been scientifically proven that the grass actually is greener on the other side of the fence? It’s because of the angle of view from where you are standing on your side. Now you know. ??) For example, one person in this part of the world might have nice weather but really hot temperatures and no facilities or infrastructure. Another person might be in the mountains in another part of the world and have cooler to sometimes very cold temperatures but have to deal with shoveling snow, digging their car out, scraping windows, warming up the car, etc. The person in the mountains is like, “oh my gosh, you’re living on the coast and have it made. I wish I was living on the beach.” The other person's thinking, “oh, you live in the mountains. It must be so cool and crisp and beautiful there. I bet you've got it made.” There could even be a person that lives in the big city. And they really want to go somewhere where it's slower and more relaxed. And another person's like, “man, I can't wait to get out of this small town and get to the big city.”
People keep looking at other people and what they have, thinking their life must be amazing. And they end up missing what they could be grateful for that they do have at that moment. Maybe you have a heat wave right now, but eight months out of the year, it's gorgeous. Maybe it only snows a few months out of the year and is sunny and nice the rest of the year. Maybe it stays cool where you are but rains most of the year. I see people constantly comparing themselves to other people and saying, “man, I wish I had that. I wish I could do what you're doing. I wish I had all of those followers and fans. I wish I had all of that money. I wish I had that body.” And, you know what? If you did have those things you would most likely end up wishing you had something else because you think they will make you happy.?
Appreciating what we have today, at this moment, in the place and time, keeps us grounded in gratitude and reminds us of all the amazing people and experiences we have in our lives that help to fill our cups. It’s so easy, at times, to forget and to take these things for granted, just like where you are right now. Remember, you are alive and get to do what you are choosing to do at this moment. You get to choose what you do next. And so again, I invite you to explore the possibility that we don't have to suffer, to feel like we're worthy of the amazing gift of life that we have each and every day.
Have you heard of?Reflectly? It is a great app that my health coach,?David Martin?shared with me. The app will provide new affirmations, and inspirational quotes, and also allows you to track how you’re feeling throughout the day. It even has daily challenges to support your well-being. I invite you to try it for a week and see if you like it. I’ve been enjoying it. It’s been a nice addition to my daily life.?
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I’d like to end by sharing this powerful excerpt from?Let Go Now?by?Karen Casey?that my aunt shared with me. It speaks to detachment and how we make a choice to attach to other people’s suffering and can take it on ourselves. Simply knowing that we can make a choice to do it means that we have the ability and power to choose not to.?
“Detachment, when fully expressed, promises peacefulness.
TO BE PEACEFUL MEANS NOT LETTING ANYONE ELSE's behavior control how we feel about them, about ourselves, about the moment, or about the situation at hand. In other words, being totally free of any external influence is the only thing that can guarantee sustainable peace. We do have that option; we seldom exercise it, however. Far more often we let the mood swings or actions of others determine our own moods and behaviors. What a refreshing idea to know that we have made that choice. It's not required! We can make another choice.
Detachment, fully expressed, may seem a bit extreme. But like the ever-so-common phrase "You can't be a little bit pregnant; you can't be a little bit detached. We are either our own person or we are not. To be fully detached doesn't mean ignoring the others on our path, nor does it mean being unkind. But it does mean we make our own decisions regardless of the opinions and plans of others. Peace is the gift that's realized when we decide who we will be and then be it. Isn't peace what we all want? There is a guaranteed way to get it: detach. When others are in our circle, we make sure that we stay within our own choices. We do it lovingly so all will benefit.”
— Karen Casey
Be compassionate to yourself as well as others while being detached from their suffering. Check in with yourself and make sure you are taking care of yourself and your needs and desires. We don’t have to suffer to feel worthy of them. Your answers lie within not without. Here’s an exercise you can try. Find a bit of time in your day. Preferably when you have a bit of privacy, peace, and quiet. Grab a pen and paper or your favorite journal (and ditch your smartphone and devices). Take a beat to just be. Breathe in. Breathe out deeply. Do this a few times. Calm your mind. Then ask yourself what you really want. Just write. Don’t edit. Don’t criticize. Write down what comes up. Gives yourself the space, permission, and time to answer what that is. See what you uncover. There is no wrong answer. You are enough. And remember, the answers you’ve been looking for are within. Your life does not have to be a constant struggle filled with suffering, yours or that of others around you. Take charge of your life. Take time to ask hard questions. Make a choice to let go of suffering and start taking those tiny humble steps toward the amazing life you really want.?
Co-Founder, People & Culture Strategist and Leadership Coach at Siamo, driving human-centric transformations.
2 年Truly wonderful article Gabe Ratliff, it is so hard to let go in general and especially let go of comparison, so much unnecessary suffering. We are all unique. We recently had to come up with a list of "competitors" for marketing reasons and it was actually very hard for us, because while our solutions and services are similar to countless of other organizations, our approach is not and who WE ARE is not. So ultimately, the experience our clients have with us is very different and whether it is better or worse / more or less useful is not up to decide, that is where our letting go practice really comes in.
Powering-UP team soft skills to increase sales and reduce churn
2 年Wow. Powerful stuff. And we'll-timed. I have downloaded the app and I'm looking forward to checking it out! As Bruce mentioned, we often tell our kids to protect their heart and have since they were little children. It's something I ascribe to, and often forget myself. While I find it easy to tell others that they shouldn't compare themselves to anyone else, nor should they let anyone else's troubles, angst, or negativity drag them into the depths of despair, I still beat myself up quite frequently. One of the things that came up in our empathy courses was the concept that we would never speak to other people the way that we speak to ourselves. Isn't that true? And so why do we do that? Why do we continue to beat ourselves up and say the things that we say that we would never utter to another human being? Self Empathy and self care to the rescue. Thank you for sharing, Gabe Ratliff
Leadership and Life Coach | Mindfulness Meditation Teacher
2 年Great article as always Gabe. I think it's easy to underestimate the power of journalling and I love that exercise that you share. In the midst of a culture that is so individualistic and is geared to "comparisonitis" it's no wonder that so many of us feel that suffering is the essential and normal state. The title of Gabor Maté's newest book, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture comes to mind here too. I love the sound of the Reflectly app also and will be checking that out too! So much value in all that you share.
Founder of KidGlov I Brand Evangelist I Purpose-Driven Marketer I Podcast Host I Speaker I Culture Warrior
2 年Gabe Ratliff this is powerful. I was just telling someone that if I could give advice to my younger self it would be, "worry less about what others are doing and focus more on where I am going." Comparison is not a productive habit.
Great share, Gabe Ratliff. A large part of self-empathy is the ability to protect your heart from others. This aligns with the idea that you need a level of detachment to fulfill that aim. I am going to check out the app for sure (Reflectly) thanks for the share!