Let Go In Order To Grow

This is a message for all my "First Timers". If you are the first to graduate high school, the first to go to college, the first to graduate college, the first to own a house or a business, or if you are earning more money than anyone in your family that came before you, then this message is especially for you.

This isn’t an easy topic to write about. It’s a story of evolution and growth, but hidden between those two words that we all aspire to reach is the catalyst for them: "change".

Everyone likes progress, but no one likes change.

In order to evolve and grow, you must change, and when you change, the people around you will see you differently. They won’t be wrong.

YOU

ARE

DIFFERENT

NOW

The thing about being the “first” is that while those around you cheer your achievement, it also separates you from them in terms of experience. By definition, you are experiencing things you never experienced previously, and they never experienced at all. Each step you take towards your destination puts you one step further away from everyone not evolving at the same pace.

I’m going to say this plainly: success will cost you. You will lose friends that you value, you will lose passion for positions you previously held deeply, you will lose sleep, and maybe even a few strands of hair off of your head.

The very same people who encourage you to evolve can inadvertently become the same people who won’t allow it to happen by continually reminding you of who you used to be before the evolution.

Allow me to put this in the context of work. Let’s say you started at a company in an entry-level position but through hard work, networking, and good people on your team, you are promoted many times to a senior level. The company has been incredible to you. You have been given opportunities, skills, coaching, and increased compensation. However, in most cases, if you make a lateral move to a different company, you can expect an increase in your compensation because you have likely fallen behind market rates for your experience, skill, and title. Said more plainly, your existing company does not value the skills you acquired while working there the same way a new company will. The existing company feels responsible (rightfully so) for giving you the skills, knowledge, and experience, so the difference between your actual compensation and market compensation is their profit for investing in you. The company isn’t wrong in this case, and neither is the employee who begrudgingly leaves for a new role and greater compensation. The very best companies make it standard protocol to keep paying their very best employees at competitive market rates to ensure retention and continued return on their investment.

In personal relationships, this looks different, but the underlying principles are the same. For the sake of this discussion, imagine life as a series of tiers that you graduate into with additional achievements. Now, imagine you are at Level 3 in your life and feeling good because of the progress you have made, and then you meet a group of friends, all of whom are at Level 3 but have big plans to move forward to Level 4. At the moment you meet, all the stars are aligned for companionship and friendship. You all are at the same level in life with the same focus on moving to the next level. The connection you feel with your fellow Level 3’s is deeper and more symbiotic than the relationships you used to have with people at Level 1 or Level 2. Those people don’t seem to “get” you anymore, but your Level 3 buddies feel like life partners. Now, move forward a few years and a few accomplishments, and imagine you have all graduated to Level 4. Your buddies are satisfied and content with reaching this goal; however, you have your eyes on the bigger prize of Level 10. To you, Level 4 is an achievement but merely a step in the right direction to where you want to go.

As you move through the next few levels, your former cohorts who are living comfortably in Level 4 will not see you the same way. Things about you are different, and the conversations aren’t the same. I have seen this happen so many times in romantic relationships where people believe they have found their soul mates when they met at the same “level,” but a few years later after evolving at different rates, they are irreparably disconnected.

Here is the hard truth.

For you to keep evolving and growing, you are going to have to leave some people behind. For many people, this is the single hardest thing about success. Even harder than achieving it in the first place. When we think of success, we imagine it with our inner circle of family and friends. We think of all the things “we” will be doing if “I” can only reach this higher level. We are typically stunned to find out once when we reach that level that many people in our previous inner circles are unable or unwilling to come along. There is nothing wrong with those people, and there is nothing wrong with you. Growth happens for all of us, but it occurs at different rates. You shouldn’t judge people who are evolving at a rate that doesn’t match your own. Encourage them, celebrate them, but also don’t be afraid to move on without them if they are comfortable at their own level. You can’t want growth for someone else more than they want it for themselves.

The thing that drives me more than anything else is to be engaged in continuous growth and to pull as many people along with me who are willing to go. Any door that I ever manage to open, it’s always my goal to get some other people through that same door, but learning that everyone is not able or willing to move to the next level means you are going to have to leave some folks behind and that is perhaps one of the hardest lessons I have learned in my life.

When you are the “First” person to do something out of your circle, all these things are amplified and exacerbated. The moment you enter a new room, you become aware of new doors to other rooms that your current circle literally doesn’t even know exist. Some people will be so happy to soak in this new information you are bringing to the table, those are the people who are ready to evolve with you.

There are other people who will not be open to this new information. They will tell you with their words and actions.

“She is different now” “She got that new job and thinks she knows everything” “He has all of those new friends from school and doesn’t hang out with us anymore” “We didn’t call you because we know you like the finer things now”

Some of those people may even be responsible for your growth. They encouraged, motivated and pushed you to evolve. You still love those people, but you must love those people from a distance. If they are unable or unwilling to evolve let them go so that you can grow.

YOU

ARE

DIFFERENT

NOW