Let go of the labels holding you back

Identity labels are a powerful way to limit or expand your opportunities. Expand the definition of WHO you are – the way you “see, move and act” in the world, as an individual or a group – and you will have a greater number of choices for action and possibilities as you aim for new results in your personal and professional life. Reach for new growth opportunities by freeing yourself from the labels holding you back.

I am not this, I am not that

Caroline (not her real name) is an American marketing executive in Singapore. She took a lower paying job when she went back to work after having a baby. Her daughter was now five years old, and Caroline was still at the same job, with the same pay. During a coaching session, she realised she wanted to expand the definition of who she was, so she could reach for new opportunities. As we spoke, it became clear she was held back by the various labels she identified with. She would need to loosen her grip on identities that may no longer serve her. Caroline is a fictitious person, made up of several people I have coached.

Caroline made a list of her identity labels, and chose a handful of the most solid and stubborn ones: a marketing executive, an American, a mother, a woman, and a wife.

She closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths, and started with the first label. Caroline said out loud, I am not “a marketing executive”, using air quotes when saying “a marketing executive”. She repeated the phrase several times.

The air quotes told her conscious mind this was a game, which allowed her subconscious to begin looking at the subjective meanings she had attributed to the title. The limitations she perceived in her job, which in her mind had become something of an administrative role. And she began to experience the ways in which she was not this title at all.

I am not “an American”. I am not “an American”. I am not “an American”.

This one was harder. Of course I’m an American, she thought. But OK, there are the air quotes. It’s just a game. Let’s go along with it (imagine your conscious mind rolling its eyes). Images of what it means to be “an American” popped up. Home. Family. Childhood. Halloween trick-or-treating as a kid. Fireworks. More family. A grandmother and aunt who had passed away years ago. Remembering that both had come from Eastern Europe as little girls. How amazingly resilient they were to re-build new lives in a new place.

I am not “a mother”. I am not “a mother”. I am not “a mother”.

Oh, how she wanted the rest of the world to see her as not just a mother. How unfair that she could not just go back into the work world like men can. At the same time, the sense of resentment was mixed with visions of her daughter — nursing when she was a baby, her first day at school, flashes of laughter, and crying. Reminders that in fact, she loved being a mother, probably more than anything else. But what kind of mother did she want to be? How was she limited to the definitions of the word “mother” she had inherited and adopted into her mindset? What new definition might she create for herself now?

I am not “a woman”. I am not “a woman”. I am not “a woman”.

Images of strong women came up. A great aunt. Her own mother. She was tired of comparing herself to them. The air quotes helped her see how her definition of womanhood was based on how she saw these strong women in her life. Now she saw herself as a little girl, dressed for an outing with both of these powerful women in her life. Maybe it’s time for the little girl to come up with her own definitions.

I am not “a wife”. I am not “a wife”. I am not “a wife”.

The air quotes brought up a vision of her dad at a family picnic when she was in high school. Something she had pretty much forgotten. He was happy. Sitting with his back to a tree and laughing. Eating grapes. She remembers her mother handing him the grapes. It was while he was recovering from his first bypass surgery. Caroline’s shoulders dropped under the weight of responsibility of being “a wife”. Her mother had done it so well. Why couldn’t she?

After running through these labels, she wanted to go deeper. Could she repeat, I am not “a cancer survivor”? She hesitated. “No,” she said. “Let’s not.”

That evening, on her way home after work, she got off the subway at the Botanic Gardens, a few stops before her normal station. She walked to a bench in the middle of the trees and greenery, a bench she knew well. She sat down.

“I am not a cancer survivor,” she whispered to herself.

Her eyes stung. She pushed through. I am not “a cancer survivor”. I am not “a cancer survivor”. I am not “a cancer survivor”.

Three schoolgirls walked by. One stopped and quietly offered Caroline a small packet of tissues, without saying anything. The teenage girl looked concerned.

“Thank you,” said Caroline, as she sat up straight on the bench.

A few days later, Caroline wrote a post for the company’s intranet. She described how the market was changing so rapidly that the company’s product positioning was becoming irrelevant. Not only that, she stressed how the company’s identity was stuck in the past. She described in detail how the group mindset was preoccupied with solving customer problems that had become minor. She gave specific examples of how their identity was enmeshed with solutions to those old problems. She showed how the language they used was rooted in assumptions about products and markets that everyone took for granted, and which were no longer as relevant as they used to be.

The power of her memo was in its specific details, coming from a deep understanding of her company.

If they were to continue being relevant, they would need to dig deep into who they are as an organisation, and who they could be, and find new problems and new solutions — and new identities. The memo went viral first among her team, then across engineering and customer service, before reaching the rest of the company. She was invited to present her thoughts at the next executive committee meeting.

If you can loosen up your identities, you can see that you are more than any of the labels that define you. It becomes easier to change the ones you want to change. You feel lighter holding onto the ones you want to keep, because it is your choice to keep them. You are not a marketing executive simply because that's who you have to be in order to pay your bills and support your family. You have chosen that identity and can dump it whenever you want.

I provide individual and group coaching programs helping leaders create cohesive, energised and empowered teams

Over the past 35 years, I have launched and built technology companies in the US, Europe and Asia and have hired, mentored and coached hundreds of senior executives. I know what it’s like to move from a role within a business to one of leadership. Today, I help leaders learn to inspire and motivate a diverse workforce, influence ever changing internal and external stakeholders, and adapt to fast-changing markets and conditions.

Guiding our careers, teams and organisations through complexity and ambiguity is challenging. My role is to help you tap into your inner wisdom and resilience, so you can become the leader and person you want to be.