Let go; feel?lighter

I’ve always been someone that has a difficult time with letting go of things. Whether they be material, physical items or emotional feelings towards a situation or person. I guess I’m a sentimental person. I’m that person that keeps the ticket stub from a concert. Or the Playbill from the Broadway show. At one point I even had a collection of hotel room keys I had amassed over the years. Maybe it stems from my childhood when I would collect movie trading cards. 

One thing that has always forced me to purge things from my life is when I move. As I embark on my return home to Australia, packing up the last five and a half years of my life, I’ve also been taking stock of those emotional items too. I’ll be returning with so many beautiful and special memories; memories that I will hold dear in my heart for the rest of my life. With that said, there have been some difficult and challenging moments over the last few years. Taking time to sit in those moments and emotions has been a very cathartic experience. It’s been very rewarding being able to reconcile some of those feelings, package them up and then put them in the dump pile, with that ugly Christmas sweater I bought three years ago and only ever wore once. 

Something I’ve learned over the years is that we are all responsible for our own feelings. No one has the ultimate power to control your feelings, some may influence and manipulate how you feel and it’s these people you need to steer clear of. This is probably one of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned, that you should never let anyone kick dust on your sparkle. In the last few years, I have encountered a number of these types, always trying to pull you down or drag you into some kind of drama. What I now do is ask myself one simple question, is that person filling up my bucket? If the answer is no, I limit my interactions with them or cease the friendship entirely. Another observation I’ve made is that when a person acts in an ugly or cruel way towards you, it’s always a reflection of them. So stop letting other people’s actions and words affect you, as they say, “Lions don’t waste their time worrying about opinions of sheep.”

One thing I have always struggled with is over-analyzing situations; typically the bad and hurtful moments in my life. I will replay the event and try to create scenarios that will lead to a better (or less painful) result. This is never a healthy thing to do. Not only can we not change the past, but what I have found is that these experiences are often “learnable” moments. A lesson to learn or an opportunity to grow in some way. Often, I will hold onto the pain and hurt, or the anger and resentment; at times I can be a stubborn person and at times I have held grudges. Again, holding onto these emotions is in no way healthy. An analogy I read recently that really resonated with me compared harboring emotions to holding on to a glass of water. The longer you hold onto the glass the more your arm will ache, to the point where it becomes numb and paralyzed. It’s not the weight of the glass that is the issue, it’s how long you continue to hold onto it. The stresses and worries in your life are that glass of water. If you continue to hold onto these feeling and emotions you will start to become paralyzed and unable to function.

Something I have observed in different friends is that they seem to hold onto unhealthy relationships. Partners that treat them horribly. Friends that don’t value or disrespects the friendship. Personally, I’ve never understood why people stay in these relationships or continue these friendships, probably because I’ve never had a problem walking away from toxic people and situations. What I’ve tried to tell these friends is that it’s ok to let go of people, that you can’t be friends with everyone, not everyone is going to like you. Real life is not like Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all. A comment I heard from someone recently that solidified this was, “there are people that just aren’t your cup of tea. With that said, you are not exempt to this rule, you are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea either.” Stop holding onto the belief you can be everyone’s friend, let go of those people that aren’t contributing to your life in a positive way and concentrate on those people in your life that do. 

Another important lesson I’ve faced these past few years is how finite our time actually is. We’ve laid to rest my two grandmothers during my time in the States. My Nana lived to 86 and my Gran lived to 92. I know I was extremely fortunate to have them in my life as long as I did. Each lived a long, happy and exciting life; I know that in the end they were ready to go. Letting go of someone that you have had in your life for almost 40 years is devastating. Because I had such a close and special bond with my Gran, I always knew that when she passed it would be difficult. And it was. Her passing is ultimately the reason I chose to return to Australia, to be closer to my family, my parents, my twin brother, my older brothers, my sister-in-law and my (not so little anymore) nephews. Whilst grief is a very personal emotion and by no means have I let go of my Grandmothers, but what I have let go of is the sadness. Now all that remains are all the happy and joyous moments we shared. 

One thing I have made a conscious effort to do over the last few years is to let go of social media. In the beginning, the various platforms were a fantastic way to reconnect with those friends from my hometown, who I grew up with, who I went to school with, who I worked with and who I met on my world travels. It soon became a tool that people used as currency for their ego; a way to get validation and gratification from others, often strangers. People felt the need to portray (aka curate) their lives as picture perfect. Others used it to share very real, personal and intimate parts of their lives; making it their personal (but really public) counseling session. 

I found myself spending way too much time scrolling through pages worth of personal indulgences and I realized that not only was it a waste of time, (time I could better use living my own life), but it was also having an impact on my own well-being. I always had an internal battle when I went to share something online, would people see it as attention seeking, were people sick of seeing me post endless concert and travel photos (yes, a “friend” accused me of this) and finally I made the decision to only post when I had something relevant to say or share. I even limit the amount of time I spend scrolling, no longer worried about missing something (the FOMO effect) and knowing that if I’m important to someone, that they will share those special moments or their news with me personally. Letting go of social media has been an entirely freeing experience. 

These realizations and “Aha!” moments are a culmination of being more open and accepting of well-being principles and practices conceived by people like Brené Brown, Karamo Brown and Prince Ea. But largely I’ve been influenced by my brother, Mitch, who is my biggest motivator, inspiration and cheerleader, someone who is bravely leading the charge in bringing well-being and mental health to the forefront of the Education system. In today’s society well-being and mental health are extremely important. We live in a World with a lot of pressure and stress points, leading to anxiety. It is imperative that we all take time to reflect on our own mental health and ensure we being kind to ourselves. 

One person I admire for a myriad of reasons is Taylor Swift. I know I’ll probably lose some readers after this revelation, but I urge you to read her essay, “30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30”. As someone who is (almost) a decade older than Swift, there are a lot of words of wisdom and pearls of advice here. And on that note, I will leave you with some lyrics that I believe perfectly encapsulate my previous ramblings.

You’ve got to step into the light and let it go. I want to be defined by the things I love. Not the things I hate. Not the things I’m afraid of. Or the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. I just think that you are what you love ~ Taylor Swift, Daylight (2019)

PS Remember to put down the glass of water.