Lessons About Teams & Community I Learned From My 12-Year-Old

Life lessons come from surprising places. Even though it’s my job to help my kids learn how to live in this world, I’m learning a lot from them as well.

When it comes to leading and working on teams, I’ve been doing it my entire career. However, some of the skills my 12-year-old is developing now blow me away—particularly in a post-pandemic world where everyone is re-learning how to come back together.?

More importantly, the things he’s learning now took me a little longer to develop. And watching him grow has given me plenty of pause and time to think about what exactly those lessons are and the value they bring people at every stage of life.

My 12-year-old is incredible—and that’s not just mom-bias talking.?

He’s responsible, studious, independent, and intelligent. And he always does what he’s supposed to do, whether it’s helping around the house or doing his homework as soon as he gets home —without being asked. ?All-in-all he’s a great kid who does well in school.

He gets along with people. He always has. But during the pandemic, he often defaulted to quietly hanging out in his room playing video games—not socializing much. It’s how he spent time with his friends when we were all isolated.?

Because he’s such a good kid, we did not push him too much, but as we re-emerged into “normal” life, he wanted to find other ways to get involved.

When he first started talking about joining a tackle football team, I wasn’t sure about things. Even though he recently excelled in flag football, we weren’t sure that a more competitive environment—and aggressive sport—would be a fit for such a mild-mannered kid.

Yet after joining a very established competitive football team to challenge himself, he’s thriving in this incredible new community and he’s learning some incredible lessons about what it means to be part of a team. It’s an exceptional team—not because they’re winning (although they definitely are). Instead, it’s because he’s showing up for his team thanks to some encouraging coaches who talk about discipline, character, community and who give space for individuals to thrive and come together.

Now, my kid works hard. He dug in and brought his best during pre-season training camps and regular-season practices. However, he is a little quiet.?We wondered how this would all play out.?Turns out, all the kids on the team were welcoming, enthusiastic, and cultivated a sense of community which allowed for everyone to bring their best, which isn’t something you frequently see in sports when a new kid comes in.

It’s not always common in the rest of the world either.

Not all teams offer a great experience for newcomers or people who have been on the team for a while. And we’re always part of a team as adults, whether at work, volunteering, parenting, or even simply living in our community. Learning how to be an effective part of that team is critical.

I’ve led teams for well over a decade. And in that time, I’ve seen all kinds of teams and all kinds of collaborative environments—from the exceptionally good to the downright toxic.

And I’ve met some incredible leaders who were able to successfully shift from being a high performing, individual contributors with unrealistically high expectations to leaders who can set the tone for the group and support the team in getting things done.

While I like to think I’m a good leader who supports my team now, I think it’s safe to say that it wasn’t always the case, especially for the first few years. Candidly, like anything, learning to lead a team and building a strong sense of community is a journey.

But my greatest aha moment came after observing a colleague who I now call a good friend.?She led by setting clear expectations, offering support, and coaching so that her team could reach extraordinary goals all while cultivating a strong sense of community and protecting our collaborative culture. Then, as now, she took a firm but fair approach and genuinely cared about the success of her people.

And after seeing how she led teams, I learned how to settle in and build a strong foundation of trust and rapport all while encouraging my team to reach beyond what they thought was possible. Trust is critical to a successful team—and it goes both ways—to create a sense of true community with give and take that forms the foundation of any effective team.

With that foundation, everything else can work…that is, if the people on your team know how to do so effectively.

All this was at the front of my mind while he was talking about joining the football team.

My son may only be twelve, but we’ve already had a few conversations about getting into college, specifically with regards to differentiating yourself to get into the best schools. And part of our conversations continually revolves around teamwork and being part of a team, and how it’s an important part of our lives for the rest of our life.

Learning how to do it well now will only help him excel…and let me tell you, six months in, we’re already seeing a dramatic change in him. With the support of those dedicated coaches and the awesome kids on the team, he’s building some incredible team building skills and sense of community that will serve him well for years to come. While there are too many to effectively count, they boil down to these five areas.

#1: Ability to work well with others and get along with different personalities

I love seeing him learn about strong team dynamics. Football—and really, team sports in general—are incredible places for kids to learn how to leverage their strengths and recognize what strengths others have.?

More importantly, he’s learning to see how different people—and different roles on the team—overlap so that people can work together and shift to produce the best results. It’s also about learning to recognize that multiple people can have similar strengths but at any given time may not have the bandwidth they need and shift some tasks around as needed. And ultimately, it’s as much about recognizing where you can step up and step in to support and knowing when to sit back and let people do their job while you perform yours.??

And it isn’t just about working collaboratively—it’s about getting along with different personalities. You can’t control other people or how they think, act, or exist in the world. And if you want to get the results you need or want, you’ve got to be able to understand how other people experience the world and meet them in the middle. It’s not about catering to them but about recognizing how each person is unique and where they are coming from, so you can step back and evaluate things objectively.

#2: Becoming effective communicators

Granted, 12-year-old team sports require different communication skills than the boardroom. However, the principles are the same:

• Let your team know what’s going on right now.?
• Speak up if you see a potential challenge or have a new idea.?
• Celebrate wins together and find lessons when things don’t go how you want.?
• Learn how to diffuse heated situations.
• And, learn how to advocate for yourself and your needs.

#3: Psyching people up for success

This is my favorite thing. I absolutely love when they huddle up before the game helmet to helmet, jumping with excitement while starting in a low roar "There aint no party like a Wildcat party because a Wildcat party don't stop." Then louder, "There aint no party like a Wildcat party because a Wildcat party don't stop." ?Louder, "There aint no party like a Wildcat party because a Wildcat party don't stop."

It's that sense of togetherness that I love. That sense of ride-or-die.?Let's give it all we got. Now, that's a strong sense of community, teamwork, and dedication that I am absolutely (re)inspired by and totally obsessed with—we need more of that in our work cultures today.

#4: Broadening connections with people

The people we work with come from all different backgrounds. And the beauty of my son joining a team is that he’s broadening his group of friends and his network. He’s also learning a valuable lesson in competing against friends from the neighborhood—you can still be friends and cheer each other on even if you’re on opposing teams right now. Better yet, you can come out of it as friends after the competition.?

#5: A sense of belonging to this community

Belonging matters so much—it’s how we know we’re not alone. And I love that he’s found a community that’s something bigger than himself. Because they must work together towards a common goal—and no one can do it on their own, there’s a special camaraderie and shared experience that they’ll always remember. Because as we grow up, our lives go different directions and friendships may or may not be forever. However, they’ll always have this shared existence they can come back to that forms the foundation and commonalities down the road.?

And the truth is, my 12-year-old probably has no idea all of this is going on in the background, he’s just playing football—and winning a lot—with his friends. It’s been amazing to watch him go from playing video games 6 hours a day to balancing success at school with excelling in this sports program.?

And now that he has this community filled with people who have his back whether or not he has a great game, I have so much confidence and excitement for his future.?

"I’ve got your back” is important to any environment, community, or team.

And it all comes back to that trust that we must build with each other that comes from showing up. Being a great contributor to a team is so important—whether you’re working in the team or leading it—and it's a valuable life skill.

Remember that one person in high school or college who didn’t pull their weight in group projects? You do not want to be that person in the real world. It doesn’t wash and you will find yourself stuck. Whether you’re at work or volunteering or something else, you’re always part of a community. And even though you can participate in that to the level of your choice, you’re always part of it.

I’m not saying that you have to kowtow to everyone else and change yourself to fit in. On the contrary, it’s not about fitting in. Collaborating is nearly always better than going alone because everyone brings different skills, thoughts, perspectives, and experiences to the problem and produces better results.

My son is learning things now at age 12 that it took me decades longer to figure out.

If I could go back, I’d spend more time focusing on these skills. After all, they’re what I look for when I hire. And anyone who can develop them is more likely to succeed in life.