Lessons learned from my Mom's Death

I wrote my Mom's Obituary last weekend.

She died last Thursday after a tough recovery from surgery to remove a stage 4 Duodenal adenocarcinoma. She was a fighter and chose to undergo the very challenging Whipple procedure, (completed robotically with the help of the incredible Intuitive Da Vinci Xi system) to extend her life. Her departure leaves a huge void in my life, in addition to countless others as a wife, mother to six, step-mother to three, grandmother to eight and great-grandmother to three little ones. She had a large network of loyal friends and acquaintances who cherished their time with her. She was a strong, proud and wise woman who believed in "paying it forward" by sharing her wisdom, time and talents to help others.

Please bear with me as I share this experience with you on LinkedIn because I believe there are life lessons and learnings to be garnered by sharing the journey that I have been on with my Mom recently. Plus, quite frankly it's a part of the grieving, mourning and healing process for me to get all of this out.

• Be Kind / Pay it Forward / Live by the Golden Rule

I have so many people to thank already for their kindness and thoughtfulness as this journey has evolved over the past few weeks. There's a couple of people that I want to acknowledge. One of those is Joshua Ferlita . Josh is a Senior Territory Manager in SW FL at Boston Scientific Endoscopy . I didn't know Josh until I kicked my Medtech network into gear in August after Mom got the cancer diagnosis and I contacted my LinkedIn contacts at BSC Endo to get feedback on the best Surgical Oncologist in the area to take care of my Mother. Josh's RSD, Jamie Howell pointed me to Josh and connected us directly within 6 hours. It didn't matter that I mentioned that I was a Microvasive/BSC alum as a Product Manager in the mid-80's, but the responsiveness, kindness and expertise that these guys displayed was outstanding. BSC is in good hands in the Southeast! Keep your network strong and reach out in times of need. The MedTech / Med Device Tribe is alive and well and is a tremendous resource. "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets". (Matthew 7:12)

You never know what another person is going through. Stephen Covey described the concept of Paradigm Shift by sharing a story about a man on a subway train with a bunch of wild kids.

I felt a bit like this man at the North American Spine Society Annual Meeting in Chicago last Thursday morning when I got a call from my sister who was with my Mom, telling me that she was really struggling and had told the nursing staff the night before that she was "ready to go". We agreed to make the conversion to palliative care only, with a Morphine drip and dose of Ativan for anti-anxiety. I had my sister put the phone up to my Mom's ear and I told her how much I loved her, was thankful for everything she has done for me/our family/a host of others and that I knew that I would see her again in Heaven based on our mutual faith in the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

I told my colleagues at Dymicron who were with me in Chicago that my mother had taken a turn for the worst and I needed to get down to Fort Meyers, FL to be with her and hopefully get there before she took her last breath. They said "Go now! There is nothing for you here, we've got it. You will regret it if you don't." So I scrambled and after changing flights and airlines multiple times to get there ASAP, I got on the next non-stop United flight to Fort Meyers. I apologize to everyone who I had to hastily cancel my Thursday afternoon/evening and Friday appointments with at NASS. Hopefully, we can make up for lost time at the Cervical Spine Research Society in San Diego on Nov 16-19, if you are attending.

As I was standing at the gate at ORD waiting to board, I got a tap on my shoulder and heard " Ted Bird , is that you?" I turned around and it was Housler, Jr. Bob . Bob is currently the VP of Sales Surgalign . I've known Bob for well over 15 years via mutual acquaintances in the spine industry and always counted him as one of the "good guys". I told Bob what was going on and he offered any help that he could and he happened to live just a few miles from the airport and the hospital my mother was in. As we got on the plane, as it turned out, Bob was seated in my row, (27 D and F)! I don't think this was an accident. This was Divine Providence in action. I was deep in prayer during our 2 1/2 hr flight and when I turned on my phone once we landed at 10pm ET and got the message that Mom had taken her last breath at 8.15pm, I was heartbroken. Bob sprung into action and said, "Come on, let's go. My wife is waiting outside, we'll take you straight to the hospital 10 minutes away so you can be with your Mom and sister. If you need a bed or anything, you're welcome to it. I have empty bedrooms with two of my kids away at college." Bob and his lovely wife, Kelly rushed me over to the hospital and I got there to see my Mom, pray over her and comfort my youngest sister who was there when she died. I stayed until the funeral home came to pick her body up around midnight.

Because of Hurricane Ian, there were no hotel rooms or Airbnb/VBRO's available in the area. My Mom's condo in Naples was already full of siblings and other relatives. I was going to have to stay at the Hospital in the room my Mom died in until I could figure something out. I called Bob and asked him if I could take him up on his offer of a bed and he said, "Come on over. I'll be waiting for you." When I got to his house around 1am, he and Kelly were waiting and they graciously hosted me for two long days while I started the process of coordinating the aftermath of my Mom's death with family, step-family, friends, funeral homes, lawyers, etc.

Thank you Housler, Jr. Bob , Kelly, Gatsby the family dog, Bob's teenage-son, Harry, (thanks for letting me use your bathroom Harry, and not being startled when a stranger shows up in your hallway), and Bob's parents; Dad Robert Housler and Mom, Sue, who are temporarily staying with Bob and Kelly while their house on Sanibel Island gets repaired from Hurricane Ian. Your kindness, generosity and hospitality during a difficult time were sincerely appreciated and will not be forgotten. "What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs." (Luke 12:3)

• CALL your loved ones, (frequently and often)

I will miss talking to my Mom every week or two to share what is going on in my life and get updates from her on all my siblings and hear about her life. I have to admit, she called me way more than I called her and if there ever was a period of two weeks or more without a call she would call me and say, "What's going on with you? I haven't heard from you and hope you are OK". How's the dog's leg, etc. She would proceed to leave a five minute voicemail giving me an update on her last trip to the Dr., etc. I've saved the last few voicemails that she left and it brings me to tears now as I listen to them and realize how much I cherished that connection and love that she displayed for all of us.

So my message to you is; if your Mother is still alive, Call her. Tell her you love her. Thank her for everything she has done in your life and plan your next visit! Do the same with your Dad, siblings, wife, children, grandchildren and cherished friends. Tell them that you want to stay connected with them and their lives while we're all struggling through life down here. Don't text, DM or email them. CALL them. Even better, set up a regular Facetime, Zoom, WhatsApp video call, Teams, GoogleMeet or whatever your current favorite App is.

• Begin with the End in Mind, (imagine being at your own funeral)

This is Habit #2 in Stephen R. Covey's classic book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People".

This principle resonated with me greatly when I first heard it as I pursued the 7 Habit's material and encouraged many others to learn and grow from along the way. The story that Covey told is to imagine being at your own funeral, memorial service. Another scenario that encourage you to think about is your 80th Birthday. How many people would be there? What would they say or write about you, (or really think about you without saying it out loud)? What would you want them to say? Translate that into your life today and Be Proactive, (Habit 1) about living your life in a way that creates the Legacy that you want to leave. https://www.franklincovey.com/habit-2/

After losing my Mom last week and my Father-in-Law ten months ago, this principle has been reaffirmed with me. I was charged with writing both of their Obituaries, planning Memorial services, managing business affairs, etc.

The FranklinCovey team recommends that you write your own Personal Mission or Purpose Statement. This also applies to teams, companies/organizations, and even families. Re-visit it often and update it / keep it "polished". Don't file it away somewhere or do it in a FranklinCovey workshop book and then have it sitting in a box in your attic, (like mine was).

Write your own personal mission statement, (or update it) now! It will help whoever is tasked with writing your obituary, (if you truly lived it...).

• Get Your Affairs in Order

Life is short. We've all heard Ben Franklin's famous quote; "Nothing is certain except death and taxes".

I've had a healthy dose of reality regarding the importance of having your affairs in order after dealing with the death of my Father-in-Law late last year and now my Mom last week.

Both had a diagnosis of rare, late-stage cancer with rapid onset after choosing to fight it with surgery, despite multiple co-morbidities and being advanced in age, (90 and 87 respectively). Both lasted about six weeks after the index procedure, my Father-in-law converting to Hospice care at home, where he was for four weeks surrounded by family and my Mom being converted to palliative care in the hospital 12 hours before she passed.

My Father-in-Law was a college math and computer science professor. He was extremely organized and had all of his affairs, (wills, trusts, PoAs, all financial and property account information, all digital account info, (user ID's and passwords), tax records, budget spreadsheets, receipts catalogued by month, key contacts information, family photo albums, slides and even old VHS videos from my wife's family growing up, etc. As the appointed personal representative and successor trustee for his and my Mother-in-Law's estate, his organized system of files and records made it relatively easy for me to carry out my responsibilities according to his wishes. Although, it was still a LOT of work as I became the point person to manage and supervise his care at home while on hospice and prepare for and coordinate all of their affairs after his passing, including the cremation, obituary and Memorial Service, preparing and selling their cars and home, and moving my Mother-in-Law into an assisted living facility. After that, dealing with the CA state teachers retirement system, social security and even AT&T to make sure that my Mother-in-Law is taken care of took a lot of patience and persistence...

My mother's situation is a little different. As her health declined this summer, I encouraged her to write down all of her information, update her will, trust, etc. She did her best, but her somewhat complex financial arrangements, family dynamics and having everything in handwritten notes, combined with the illness that zapped her energy and strength faster than we all anticipated, left things in a different state. On top of that, on September 28, Hurricane Ian slammed into SW FL like a freight train while my mother was in the hospital and my Mother and Stepfather's cars in Naples were waterlogged with seawater and written off.

My wife and I took our experience with my Father-in-Law last year to heart and we've updated our wills and trusts and documented all of our business, financial and digital account information in one place. Here's a great resource to use in a book that we bought and have used to document everything ; "I'm Dead. Now What?", (see link below).

The other thing we've done is to take our personal health status seriously, get everything in order and start being proactive about diet, exercise, etc. I recommend that you do the same, (if you want to live longer to enjoy your family).

• Get a colonoscopy, (now recommended for age 45 and up)
• Get a health physical regularly, (at least annually)
• Get vaccinated, (COVID, flu, shingles, etc.)
• Establish care with local primary care physician, cardiologist, opthalmologist and any other specialist for any ailments, conditions that you may have
• Set up online healthcare records and document user IDs, passwords, security questions, etc. in your "I'm Dead. What Now? book
• Drastically reduce intake or cut out sugar
• Give up or drink less alcohol
• Stop smoking
• Get moving! Walk, bike, run, swim or whatever works best for you. For someone my age, the recommendations are; Minimum 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week of moderate intensity activity or 75 minutes a week of vigorous activity and at least 2 days a week of activities that strengthen muscles.

"Sharpening the Saw" with work-life balance and Mental, Spiritual Health are also very important. I'm guilty of being very "out of balance" in all of these areas at one time or another. Be kind to yourself, get centered, reach out for help and lean on family and/or friends to support you. Take a vacation regularly, (and lock your phone away when you do). Take at least two longer trips per year, in addition to a few other smaller trips. The total amount that you should spend on vacation is 30-45 days per year. I know getting one month off per year can seem hard for some, but it's an effective way to stay healthy, live happier, and longer. The Europeans and Australians get this right, in my opinion.

• Get Right With GOD

This may offend some of you, but I am unapologetic and unwavering in my faith and belief in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I am a born-again christian, (Yes, I'm a "Jesus freak"), who didn't fully understand this and make my commitment until I was 31 years old.

All I ask is for you to respect my opinion and hear me out. You have the free will to decide for yourself and I will not judge you if you disagree with me, but there will come a time when you will be judged, (by GOD) and there's no turning back once you've crossed the chasm from life to death. I believe there is life after death, the Bible tells us so;

"For GOD so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

"Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6)

In order to get “right” with GOD, we must first understand what is “wrong.” The answer is sin. “There is no one who does good, not even one” (Psalm 14:3) We have rebelled against GOD’s commands; we “like sheep, have gone astray." (Isaiah 53:6)

The bad news is that the penalty for sin is death. “The soul who sins is the one who will die” (Ezekial 18:4). The good news is that a loving GOD has pursued us in order to bring us salvation. Jesus declared His purpose was “to seek and to save what was lost” (Luke 19: 10), and He pronounced His purpose accomplished when He died on the cross with the words, “It is finished!” (John 19:30).

Having a right relationship with GOD begins with acknowledging your sin. Next comes a humble confession of your sin to GOD (Isaiah 57:15). “For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved” (Romans 10:10).

This repentance must be accompanied by faith – specifically, faith that Jesus’ sacrificial death and miraculous resurrection qualify Him to be your Savior. “If you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9).

Being right with GOD is a matter of your response to what GOD has done on your behalf. He sent the Savior, He provided the sacrifice to take away your sin (John 1:29), and He offers you the promise: “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved” (Acts 2:21).

If you want to get right with GOD, here is a sample prayer. Remember, saying this prayer or any other prayer will not save you. It is only trusting in Christ that can save you from sin. This prayer is simply a way to express to GOD your faith in Him and thank Him for providing for your salvation.

"God, I know that I have sinned against You and am deserving of punishment. But Jesus Christ took the punishment that I deserve so that through faith in Him I could be forgiven. I place my trust in You for salvation. Thank You for Your wonderful grace and forgiveness – the gift of eternal life! Amen!"

If you have any questions or want to talk about making this important decision, send me a message and let's talk!

Rest in Peace, Mom. You will always be in our hearts and you'll be with me forever.

"GOD will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." (Revelation 21:4)