Lessons I've learned about my 50 something self.

At 54 I’m not the same person I was in my 30s or 40s, and thank goodness for that. Being a 50 something is a whole new world — some of it is good, some of it is totally surprising and some of it just is.

Being a 50-something woman means dealing with menopause, changes in my body, sleepless nights, body aches, and some hot flashes—although knock on wood, my hot flashes haven’t been too bad. But the biggest change of all is my brain function and, how do I say it, my memory blips.

Like the other day, I found the container of cooked eggplant I made the night before on the counter next to the stove. It wasn’t a totally unusual place for it to end up—it is the counter where I store all the empty containers—but still. I totally admit it might have had something to do with the quarter gummy I took an hour earlier, but still, it was surprising when I opened the fridge to look for it and it was nowhere to be found.

These days, “losing” and ultimately finding my phone has become a daily expedition through my house. And by the way, my house isn’t that big. It’s turned into a game for me and my husband. It starts with me bellowing out, “Dear, I can’t find my phone.” What was once a shout of panic that maybe I had lost my phone somewhere while doing errands is now a ritual. My husband and I adopt a bit of a jolly tone. Hmmm, now where did I leave my phone this time? The first question from my husband is always, “Is it in your purse?” Now really, dear, isn’t that the first place I would look? But these days, as soon as he leaves the room, I look through my purse again because you just never know.

The best part of the game is after I’ve completed my first sweep of the house and I start thinking, Shit, maybe this time I really did drop it in the parking lot at Aldi, I shout, “Shit, it’s gone, I can’t find it!” I haven’t found it in the fridge yet, but I’m sure that day is coming. Maybe in a moment of magic it will turn up sitting next to the container of eggplant. It’s my husband’s proudest moment when he walks into the room with my phone in hand, wearing a big proud smile on his face. He’s so helpful!

Can we take a minute to talk about my love-hate relationship with Aldi? I’m a Farmers Market girl. I support local small businesses, which Aldi definitely is not. But when they have watermelons for $3.50 and avocados for $0.85, you just have to shop there, right? At least they pay their staff fair wages, so that’s a plus.

On a more serious note, I had one of those weird brain blips last month. My husband and I were at our intake appointments for our colonoscopies—ah yes, the joys of being 50-something. The nurse practitioner doing the intake didn’t have access to our medical records. For some reason, they didn’t connect in the healthcare system. Which by the way, can we get that shit sorted already? So for the millionth time, my husband and I had to go through the usual health history questions: What is the health of your parents? Are they both still alive? Have you had any major surgeries? Are you taking medications? The usual stuff.

As I’m going through my health history, I start by telling the nurse practitioner that my mother had breast cancer and colon cancer, but they weren’t related, meaning one did not cause the other. When I said they weren’t related, she obviously didn’t hear me. She looked at me with a strange look and said, “Wait, your mother had cancer twice but you aren’t related to her?” I must have given her the same strange look back, as I was thinking to myself, Now why on earth would I be telling you my mother had cancer twice if we aren’t related? I mean, come on.

Clearly, we were not off to a good start. I moved on to my father’s health history and said, “He died when I was little”. I have no idea why I said that. My father died when I was in my 40s, also of cancer. I’m not proud of this but I wasn’t 100% sure if it was blood cancer. My husband looked at me like I had three heads and said, “You weren’t little; it was 10 years ago.” I looked at him and said, “Wait, what did I say?” I then looked at the nurse practitioner and said, “I’m sorry, I’m one of those people who can’t remember exact dates of when things happened.” Which I admit wasn’t a great excuse as to why I had blurted out that my father died when I was little. But still, I’m a menopausal woman, and sometimes I have brain blips.

You won’t believe what she did next. She then looked at my husband and said, “Did her mother really have cancer?”

I was aghast. I should have gotten up and walked out of the room, but instead, I raised my voice and said, “Yes, of course my mother had cancer.” Now I know at this point I’m not a reliable witness to my own family’s health history, but really, that was a bit uncalled for.

Being a 50-something woman can be fun because you have wisdom and comfort around certain things you didn’t have when you were younger.

You become more trusting of yourself as you age, which is a good thing. For me, I’m less into BS. For example, I’ve become bolder about creating boundaries in my career than when I was younger. (And this time, I really do mean younger!) I’m not going to work 11-hour days. I care less about being nice at work so people will like me. I know that working to the point of burnout doesn’t get me a raise or the promotion I want. I’ve done that, and it didn’t work for me, and my guess is it probably didn’t work for you either.

When I was in my 30s, I used to say to people, “I don’t care about my title, call me whatever you want, just as long as you are nice.” I mean, can you imagine that? Thinking about it now, I actually get a pang in my stomach. How Pollyanna of me. No wonder my employers worked me to the bone. I’ve come to realize that I worked my butt off getting my VP title, and I deserve it. I’m really good at my job. While titles aren’t everything, no, you won’t call me whatever you want.

The thing I see now about that cute little statement I used to say is that I was so busy wanting people to like me and to have a little laugh at my own expense that it quickly turned into an interpretation by my coworkers that “she doesn’t care about things like that.” And that is a slippery slope.

Suddenly, decisions were made about the project I was working on, and the team I manage, or what my job would involve without my input because “she doesn’t care about those things.” I watched the people who spoke up get promotions, more money, and new titles. Those that spoke up got interesting projects to work on while I was taking on more work and more responsibilities and fighting tooth and nail for a salary increase.

.. Like what you are reading? Subscribe to my Substack.

As women I think we often take the route of being a team player, of wanting to be liked, but at what cost?

Women often think that because they have to leave the office early to pick up their kids, it’s okay that they didn’t get a raise. Or because we get flexibility in our work schedule, it’s okay that someone else got to work on the best account. Or that if we are nice enough and say yes to the stuff we don’t really want to do, our peers will notice, and we will get the promotion we deserve.

In fact, the opposite is probably true. If you say yes to doing something that you either don’t want to do or that isn’t fully in your skill set, you probably aren’t going to do it very well, and as it did for me, that could turn up on your review as a reason why you didn’t get the full salary increase. Because, you know, that thing that I asked you to help with, which isn’t in your job description, that I knew you would say yes to because you always say yes—well, that thing you were doing to be helpful, it’s now the reason we can’t give you a raise. Because as it turns out, you weren’t good at it. My answer to that: no shit, Sherlock. I guess it’s time for me to stop being helpful.

This type of shitty stuff happens all the time at companies. A meeting happens between you and one of the leaders at your company where they compliment you on how great you are at your job and then say, “You know that shitty account no one wants to work on? Well, since you are so great at your job, would you take it for a while? It would really help us out. It will only be until we hire someone new to take it over.” And when that day never comes and you get stuck on the shitty account indefinitely because you were being nice and helpful. Then it shows up on your review. Well, you know, the clients on the shitty account aren’t very happy, and now it looks like we might lose the account. So we can’t give you a promotion.

What I’ve learned is that I don’t have to be complacent. I don’t have to say yes in hopes that working on the shitty account gets me something more than just more work and more headaches. I can create boundaries that work for me.

So, that’s why I say it’s important to speak up.

If you think you should be in the leadership meeting, say so. If you think you should have a new title, ask for it. If you deserve a raise, then ask for one. You might not get everything you want, but then again, you might!

My 50-something self has learned that I’m not the same person I was in my 20s or 30s. Something shifts when you are in your late 40s and 50s. Your priorities change. Your health becomes more important. Mental health is something you think about a lot. It becomes critical to reduce stress and take care of your mental health so you don’t burn out, to move your body daily so you don’t make a grunting noise every time you get off the couch. You pay more attention to what you eat because you know that eating healthy food gives you the energy for your busy life.

When you are in your late 40s and 50s you know that you don’t want just any job. You want to find a company that aligns with your values. Going out for drinks every night isn’t part of your plan. You want a position where you can add value and one that you feel really good about doing at the end of the week. It’s more important that you work with smart people who take care of each other and believe in collaboration.

These aren’t things I really thought about when I was in my 30s. I think about these things a lot now. I want to take care of myself so that I can have a good quality of life as I continue to age. I imagine these are things you think about a lot too. And as well you should. Because we deserve to enjoy this part of our lives.

If you are a creative professional in your late 40s or 50s and taking care of yourself is a priority then let’s talk. I want to be your partner in helping you find the next step in your career, to take the steps you need to live a healthy life.

If you are enjoying this content, consider becoming a paid subscriber to my Substack.