Lessons I've learned from being a parent

I will keep adding as long my children keep teaching me... 

What I've learned from them so far has made my whole life better and easier. 

I can't wait to see what they teach me next...

Don't keep saying 'be careful' - let them fall while you're there. Then afterwards ask, "what will you do differently next time?" Nobody will benefit from being taught they are fragile, least of all girls.

Don't keep telling your children where they went wrong. Ask, "what will you do differently next time; what did you learn?"

Perfectionists eventually stop trying new things, learners keep seeking new challenges. Be careful which you help create. 

You cannot teach what you do not embody be who you want them to be, want to fix something in them, fix it in you. 

Gratitude is the antidote to fear, that means please, thank you and noticing the beauty in your world every day. 

Don't Shrink or hide. Stand tall- there is no other secret to bravery but presence. This can't be taught, it has to be demonstrated. This isn't instant, it's grown by constantly showing up and choosing not to focus on your fear. 

Frustration from a parent reads likes distant or disapproval to a child. They will always try to escape these feelings by disengaging from the situation. Calmness isn't restraint, it is freedom from internal struggle. You can't fake it. I recommend practising meditation. 

Presence and attendance are two different things. If you are with your children, be with your children. Your level of presence informs their level of perceived worth and value to you. If you struggle with distraction, I recommend meditation. 

Emotions in a child are like learning to break when driving. They have to learn to regulate the intensity for each situation themselves. Judging them will only make that process more challenging or even a life long struggle. Give them space to try out the whole spectrum. 

Children aren't emotion wrecks, they just feel it and let it go. It's the way we are designed. Nurture this rather then berate it and you will create the most calm, happy emotionally stable humans the world has ever known. 

Match their emotion then move away from it together. Humans all want to be understood first. Mocking or denying the existence of or validity of a feeling in another will always intensify their experience. 

At the very least you should practise what you preach. Better still stop preaching and just practise. People learn by copying. 

Self-esteem is I AM AWESOME, not what I produce or look like is awesome. Be careful which you most praise. Product quality can vary as new challenges arise. New challenges require self-esteem in the presence of repeat failure. Praise traits like kindness, humility, caring, compassion, empathy, gratitude. The repetition of these traits is the secret to a happy and successful life. 

Praise effort not results. We can only control the former. 

Tough one- listening is a two way street, you get what you give. 

Penis and vagina- not front bum, bits or willy. Shame begins with not using the real name. I think we can all agree the world has had enough guilt around sex. 

Ask questions first 

Then make a suggestion

Then challenge

Only then ultimatum 

The opposite of play isn't work, it's depression. Play isn't a reward it's a human need like food, water and sleep. 

Avoid rewarding, comforting, withholding, silencing, medicating, or finishing off every meal with sugar or hydrogenated oils - life long habits are formed in childhood. This is one they'll thank you for not creating. 

Always ask, how can I create more freedom in this situation? Humans always fight against control. Eg put dinner in the middle of the table and let them choose. 

Sleep is an involuntary act, it cannot be forced it must be created. Create an environment where you become tired and they will too.

Eating is a skill which requires stepping out of your comfort zone every time you try something new. They eat at school because they fear not fitting in. Pressure from parents creates threat where safety is what's required to master a new skill. Be patient and keep providing what you believe in and make them a part of the process. 

Your attempt to cultivate urgency is reliant upon understanding the concept of time. It ain't going to happen. Focus on teaching the skills they need in a fun way. Accept the you are the only one in a hurry, you cannot make your problem there's. 

What have your children taught you about life? 

Ed Ley