Lessons I Learned from My Father

My father passed away on this day nine years ago. I wasn’t there to say goodby; I was far away and he was at home in Mexico City when his heart finally gave up. He left this world on his way to the hospital while my mother was holding his hand inside the ambulance. By the time I was able to fly to Mexico City he had already been cremated. 

Not being able to hug him one last time, kiss him on the cheek, or tell him how much I loved him weighs heavily on me until this day. He left behind a wife, two daughters, and eight grandchildren. He missed holding his first great-grandchild in his arms by just a few days. 

I have the fondest memories of my dad. He was the best role model, counselor, referee, math and physics tutor, coach, mentor, and problem solver I could ever wish for. He was a loving, caring, compassionate, understanding, unselfish, optimistic, open-minded person. He taught me many valuable lessons that have helped me grow into the person I am today. I am very fortunate to have had him as my dad and as my daughter's "Nonno," and I treasure every minute we spent together. 

When I was growing up I thought everyone’s dad was like mine. As years went by, though, and my social circle expanded, I realized how fortunate and blessed I was, and how much I had taken Papá for granted. It was hard to believe that others didn’t have what I had and didn’t feel the same way about their father.

The wisdom, lessons, and love of this extraordinary human being accompany me every single day. On my father’s death anniversary and so close to Father’s Day, I want to share some of the things my dad taught me about life. 

The world is beautiful because it’s diverse. 

Humanity is diverse, and if it weren't so we wouldn't be able to acknowledge, appreciate, and respect our differences; learn from each other; consider other points of view; and evolve as individuals. Equally important is that all lives have equal value and no one is above anyone else. Treating each other with respect and consideration is fundamental in order to coexist in any society and get along with each other.  

All ages are wonderful. 

My dad never made any negative comments about generational differences or blamed the ones before his. Actually he saw them as they were: different ways of seeing life and living life that vary by age, culture, and time periods. He saw these differences with curiosity, so much so that he frequently engaged in conversations not only with my sister and me but with with our friends as well. His open mindedness made him popular with our teenage and young adult friends. 

While my dad lived many sad and frightening moments during adolescence in WWII, he made the best of every moment and every stage of life. He used to say that with maturity comes wisdom, appreciation, and a much deeper kind of love for the people in your life. 

Tomorrow will be another day.

There were many times growing up when I felt heartbroken -a relationship with a boyfriend that went south, a family disagreement that brought me to tears, a friendship that no longer was, or a bad grade at school. I would go to my room and close the door, and feel hopeless. Papá would come in, sit on the side of my bed, listen to my side of the story, and offer words of comfort that gave me hope. 

He would say that after the storm, the sun comes out. So I would go to bed at night and wake up the next morning with the sun shining through my bedroom window, and I knew everything would be okay.  

Always keep your promises. 

How many times have you been promised something that never happened, and consequently felt left down? Sometimes people do this just to make the other person feel better momentarily. Papá would never do that. He always made promises that he intended to keep, and I knew for a fact that when he made a promise, it would come true. Keeping promises can be hard, and that's precisely why it creates trust.

Optimism 

Papá was a very ingenious and clever mechanical engineer. A friend of mine once asked him, "What do you do for a living?" After thinking about it for a few seconds, he replied, "I am an inventor" and indeed he was. From building machines that made parts for tractors to building machines that milked cows, my dad was constantly figuring out how to solve problems.

There were times when projects took longer than expected and budgets were off. There were hard times when he would give part of his paycheck to one of his workers who was struggling. There were other times when debts accumulated and applying for a loan was the only way out, and in spite of many ups and downs, he never lost hope or optimism.

Papá always looked forward, visualized the future beyond the challenges he was facing, and carried on. When he was challenged to be "realistic," which happened with some frequency, his way of seeing life drove him to think bigger and farther. "You may stagger but you won't fall," was his message.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.    

Papá had a great sense of humor. He laughed at his own idiosyncrasies and mistakes, and he loved the silly jokes my sister and I would tell (we used to write them down so we wouldn't forget them). Even when he used to tell us stories about World War II and his experiences as a prisoner of war, there was a smile on his face as he remembered his attempts to sew clothes, cook, finish high school, and survive.

When my dad turned 60, his employees gave him a party and brought a cake. Instead of candles, the cake had a 60 Watt light bulb on it!

Being at peace is more important than being right.

Papá's personality was outgoing, optimistic, and joyful. His family, relatives, friends, and colleagues occupied a very important place in his heart, which was very big. His actions were driven by a sense of doing what's best and what's right, and inevitably there were times when expecting everyone to agree was impossible. Rather than creating or perpetuating anger and resentment, apologizing was his way of bringing everyone together again and restoring peace. It didn't matter who was right and wrong; to my dad, it was all a matter of perception. When we see a situation from our own point of view, which is very narrow, it's like having a 30 degree-wide view in front of us instead of 360 degrees.

In 1994 Papá suffered a heart attack and two years later, an aneurism of the aorta that he survived miraculously after an endless stay in intensive care and rehabilitation. Since only 2% of patients survived such massive surgery and recovery at the time, we saw it as a miracle. Life was much slower when he went back home from the hospital and every movement required more effort. Doctors helped him enjoy a quality life in spite of many limitations. His strong will to live and determination were a driving force that allowed him to stay among us for another 16 years.

Humbleness is a virtue.

I was very young, maybe nine or ten, and living in Mexico City. My dad was driving, and my sister and I were in the back seat. In the middle of a wide road there was a traffic circle and on the edge of this circle was a man sweeping the street. The man was old, dressed in overalls, looking down, holding a broom made of thin wood sticks. 

My dad had no choice but to drive around that circle in order to keep going, and when he did, he was a bit too close to the edge, and accidentally hit the broom with his side mirror, which in turn hit the man in his forehead. This all happened very quickly.

My dad immediately stopped the car, got out, put a hand on the old man's shoulder, and apologized to him. The old man wasn't happy and wouldn't even acknowledge my dad at first. He just went on sweeping without saying a word. My dad insisted until the old man accepted his apology. Then he got back in the car and continued driving home.

He never made a comment about that small accident and he didn't need to. His actions showed the kind of person he was -caring, empathetic, and considerate among many other virtues. That incident taught me a valuable lesson that was just as true then as it is today. In a society and at a time where differences between socioeconomic status and skin color were so prevalent, the average person would have never acknowledged an old poor city employee sweeping the street, much less interrupt a commute, to apologize. But my dad was not the average person.

That day I learned that being humble is a virtue -not a weakness like some people think- and we must treat others the way we want to be treated -or even better. All human beings have the same value and deserve the same level of respect.

What is the worst that could happen? 

I was very fortunate to always have an open communication with my dad. He would ask me how I was doing, how were the children, how was work. He wasn't just being polite and quickly changed the conversation to a different subject; he really listened and wanted to know. So I felt comfortable sharing some of the issues I was facing and welcomed his advice. 

On occasions where I felt fearful, insecure, and hesitant he would ask, "What's the worst that could happen?" My dad's words and the tone of his voice helped me analyze a situation, put things in perspective, and open my mind to the possibilities.

Always say thank you and please.

Politeness, kindness, and manners are free and have many advantages. It shows the kind of person you are, how big your heart is, and how much respect you have for others. One of the manners I remember more vividly as a young girl was to put myself last when listing people, for example, "my sister and I" or "you and me." This shows consideration for others and humbleness on my part.  

When you cannot sleep at night focus on your breath.

Many years before I discovered yoga and meditation, and the benefits of breathing exercises, Papá taught me that breathing deeply and focusing on the breath was an excellent exercise to fall asleep and stay asleep. He had many things on his mind at the time, many worries that often kept him up at night, and that was his way of centering and getting some rest. Rest included a 30-minute nap after lunch that was a non-negotiable.

Life is an adventure. 

My mom and dad took my sister and me on many fun trips. Some were planned to the last detail and others were more improvised. There were several times when we packed our bags, got in my grandfather's beetle, chose a destination, and the rest was part of the adventure. Whether the accommodations were luxurious or extra simple, whether we understood what was on the menu or pointed to the pictures, whether we packed the right clothes or wore one thing on top of the other to stay warm, those experiences were unforgettable and brought us closer together. 

There were many more instances where I learned valuable lessons from my dad, too many to list. Today I miss him and treasure him more than ever. 

If you are fortunate to have your father still around, don't let a single day go by without showing how much you care. If your dad has already passed, keep him alive in your heart and in your memories. 

Time does not heal grief; it just teaches you to live with it. 

"I wasn't there that morning when my father passed away?

I didn't get to tell him all the things I had to say...

...I just wish I could have told him in the living years."

~From In the Living Years song by Paul Carrack

Susanna Clavello, ACC, CPC, ELI-MP, is an emotional wellness and personal growth coach who specializes in helping highly stressed out individuals live healthier, more productive, and more balanced lives.