The lessons I learned from the loss of a loved one

A wound is a place where light enters you – Rumi

Losing someone close to you is hard no matter who it is. But losing a parent is something you can never imagine going through until it happens. It is terrifying and horrible. Parents are the source of our existence. They love us unconditionally. They watch over us as we grow up. We, their children, are their pride and joy. They can't imagine life without us — and we feel the same way about them.

I lost my father a few weeks back. And losing him in these unusual and unprecedented times has been very difficult and overwhelming. When I lost my mother 10 years back, I thought that I had become stronger and wise in accepting the inevitable and I will be ready, but I guess you never are. 

My father was unwell and in palliative care at home after he had a freak accident a few months back. Being the primary caregiver, my life revolved around his schedule. And since the day he passed away, it has been a challenge and a painful struggle to find a new rhythm in life. When we lose someone very dear, we are tempted to hide the grief wounds and try to do it alone. While going through the motion of denial, anger, struggle, pain and partial acceptance, I learned a few lessons that I want to share via this blog.

Grief is not a problem to be solved

Grief is a feeling to be felt, not a thought. We live in our thoughts and want to solve our problems by finding a solution. But feelings are in a different realm than thoughts. They come from our body, not our head.

Grief is not a problem, although it can be a very uncomfortable feeling. What can be a problem is the avoidance of grief. This avoidance can cause our lives to go into a standstill as we are stuck in the past and neglect the present.

Healing is not linear and looks different on everyone

Grief is like having a gaping hole in the middle of your core that you carry with you every single day — except that nobody can see or feel it but you. Every absence becomes a presence, as concrete and tangible as any other living thing in your life. Some days are better than others, some days are harder to bear, and that’s all part of it. I think it never goes away, it just gets a little easier to deal with as time passes.

When we suppress the pain, we limit our life energy

Pushing down the pain of grief (or any feeling) reduces the amount of awareness and life energy we consciously have. Suppression makes our world smaller!

We become less aware and have fewer options. Suppression is, at best, a temporary option. The problem is that most of us have unconsciously suppressed so much feeling in our bodies that we have forgotten what freedom feels like. We carry the weight of these feelings around with us, as excess physical weight yes, but especially as a kind of anaesthetic to life.

Love and grief are a package deal

Think of a movie or a song or a book that sticks with you. Chances are it's about love and also about sorrow. Love ends in a loss for the ones left behind and grief is a natural response to losing what we've cherished. When we remember someone we have lost, grief is right there but so is love.

Many of us, especially men, have been taught not to cry

We may feel that crying is somehow weak or babyish. We were told "don't be a cry-baby" or "boys don't cry."

We may have been shamed this way when we were young and so have suppressed years of grief. This can make it difficult to even acknowledge our grief, let alone cry. We crave that healing of tears.

As we reclaim our capacity to grieve with tears, we reclaim parts of ourselves we may not even have realized were ours–tenderness, compassion, sensitivity, warmth. We develop an intimacy with ourselves that can grow into deeper intimacy with others. 

Let nothing go unsaid

I have realised this the hard way and am trying to make amends. One of the biggest regrets of those who lose somebody is that they never said what they needed to say when they had the chance.

Whether you are angry at the person that you love, have unresolved issues, need their forgiveness or forget to tell them exactly how much you love them, make sure you say it today. You never know when you may lose the opportunity to do so.

Be grateful

If there is one thing that we can learn from the death of another, it is to be grateful. Don’t wait around for a big wakeup call to tell you that you should have been grateful. Be grateful now. And be grateful for the people in your life, the love that you feel, and the little things that make you feel good to the core. Be grateful for the people that you have lost and the people that are still living with you.

I know that it is important for me to remember that time heals all wounds. No one will replace the one I have lost and I will miss my father forever. I will hold onto the memories that I have with him, and never let them slip away. I will look back and think about the great times we had together, and the life we shared. Grieving is difficult and painful, and it is a process. I know that I am not alone and I have my guardian angel above, watching over me. 

God bless, and stay safe.