Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness

The quality of your relationships shapes your well-being and happiness.

Most people say they want to be happy, but what does a happy life look like??The term “happiness” itself is a bit vague. The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle differentiated between “hedonic” happiness and “eudemonic” happiness. Hedonic happiness is a temporary sensation in response to moment-to-moment experiences. Eudemonic happiness is more?long-term and longer lasting, coming?from a sense of purpose and meaning. That?enduring sense of well-being you feel when you’re?flourishing and thriving is related to Aristotle’s notion of eudaimonia.?

“Relationships are not just essential as stepping-stones to other things, and they are not simply a functional route to health and happiness. They are ends in themselves.”

Positive relationships not only make you happier, they also keep you healthier.?When you experience a positive interaction – whether?a small one (waving to your mail carrier) or a bigger one?(knowing a friend deeply loves you) – that interaction signals safety to your body. This signal is the opposite of the message that?stress?hormones (cortisol and adrenalin) send to your body when a negative interaction triggers?a “fight or flight” reaction.?Relationships help people manage stress and navigate challenges. Since prehistoric times, humans have evolved to seek safety in relationships, so?healthy ones are vital to?your well-being.?

People continue to grow and develop throughout adulthood, particularly as a result of their relationships and life transitions.

Adulthood isn’t stagnant. It’s a period of flux, bearing the marks of relationship changes.?Psychologists used to focus only on childhood development, harboring the false assumption that once you reach?adulthood, development halts.?Today, thanks in part to research findings?from the Harvard Study and?new insights into neuroplasticity, scientists?understand that?adulthood is a period of tremendous growth and change.?

“In the end, it’s about gaining some perspective on the roads we’ve taken and the roads still to come, so that we can help each other anticipate and prepare for the hard curves ahead.”

To be open to growth and change, it is helpful to take time to reflect on?your?life, considering your journey as a whole and the ways that your circumstances and views have changed over the years. For example, how have your priorities, hopes, goals and self-concept shifted since you were half as old as you?are now?

The human life cycle?tends to unfold in the following stages:

• Adolescence, age 12-19 – During this period, people form their identity, focusing on the type of person they’re becoming, who they hope to be in the future and what they want to do in life.?During this stage, they?learn how to navigate new types of intimacy.
• Young adulthood, age 20-40 – Young adults build?their own safety nets as they separate from their parents and create?new social connections and intimate attachments.?They often wonder?whether they’re on the right path, if they’re?living life consistent with their values and?if they’ll find love.
• Midlife, age 41-65 – When people realize their younger years are behind them, they begin to assess whether there are things they should do differently. They entertain existential questions?such as, “Is this all there is?” They may reflect on whether they’ve truly connected with others?and have a sense of meaning and purpose in their life.
• Late life, 66 and older?– As people start to view time as more precious and grapple?with their own mortality, they develop a deeper?appreciation for their existing relationships. Awareness that life is short leads to a greater emphasis on prioritizing what’s most important, often including having meaningful relationships and making sure they’re leaving a legacy behind.

Show others you care by?giving them your time and attention.

The quality and frequency of your connections with others are major predictors of your happiness. Many Harvard Study participants who reflected on their lives in their 80s regretted not spending more time with their friends and loved ones. Leading a good life requires nurturing and caring for your relationships.?A first step is giving your time and attention to those who are most important to you; it is the simplest way of showing people you?value them.?Zen master John Tarrant calls attention “the most basic form of love.” Both meanings of “attention” are important.

“Attention is your most important asset, and deciding how to invest it is one of the most important decisions you can make.”

Research in neuroscience shows that multitasking is a myth. People actually can’t pay attention to?two separate things at the same time. Instead of trying to multitask, work on reducing unnecessary?distractions including those coming from your smartphone and other technologies. Work on being more present,?asking yourself what you may not be noticing about others in your daily interactions.?Show interest in others by trying to understand what they are experiencing and communicating. While you may not always understand exactly what someone is thinking or feeling.

Be proactive about nurturing your relationships; begin by taking stock of your relationships and prioritizing?your most important?connections.

Relationships need to be cultivated and tended. Otherwise,?connections with others wither. A good place to begin is to reflect on the quality of your current relationships and how frequently you interact with the people who are important to you. In good quality?relationships, attention, care and support are reciprocal, so reflect on how others are showing up for you and you for them. Identify relationships that?energize you and those that you experience as depleting in some way. If you?frequently spend time in a relationship that?depletes you, can you identify opportunities to improve the health of the relationship or to reduce the time you spend with that individual? Can?you find ways to spend more time with those?you find enlivening?

“A few adjustments to our most treasured relationships can have real effects on how we feel and on how we feel about our lives.”

Do an inventory of your connections with others using the following elements of good relationships.?(Not every relationship will provide?all of them.)

• Security and safety – Do you have someone you can rely on and turn to during a challenge?
• Growth and learning – Who inspires you to pursue your goals and encourages?you to try new things?
• Emotional closeness – Is there one person you confide in most??Whose advice do you trust?
• Shared experience and identity affirmation – Do you have siblings or old friends with whom you’ve shared identity-forming life experiences?
• Romantic intimacy – Do you feel satisfied with the degree of intimacy and sexual connection?in your life? Who fulfills these needs?
• Help and assistance – Who helps you solve practical problems (for example, getting a ride to a medical appointment)?
• Relaxation and fun – Think about the people?you enjoy being with and laughing with. Who contributes to your sense of joy and feeling of being connected?

You can take steps to strengthen the health of your relationships and improve your mastery of your emotions.

Former Harvard Study described two “pillars of happiness” – love?and “finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away.”?Habitual negative reactions to stress?(such as responding with defensiveness to a concerned family member) can harm your relationships.?Everyone has habitual ways of coping when stressful events occur. Those who “lean in,” facing their difficulties head on, tend to navigate stressful challenges better than those who try to?ignore problems, hoping they’ll go away.?By breaking down stressful emotional encounters into stages, people can learn to navigate challenges in more adaptive ways.?

“Our emotions need not be our masters; what we think, and how we approach each event in our lives, matters.”

Use the WISER model to respond better to emotionally challenging events and to enhance your?relationships:

1. Watch – Take a moment to observe the situation closely?and?consider as many aspects of it as possible. Have you missed something important?
2. Interpret – Identify what’s at stake and strive to gain greater insight into why you’re feeling strong emotions.?Have you?made any false assumptions?
3. Select – Carefully identify and weigh?your options, reflecting on what you hope to accomplish and your best means of doing so.
4. Engage – Respond, executing your chosen strategy with skill.
5. Reflect – Learn from the incident, reflecting on what went well and what you might do differently next time.

Create more satisfying and beneficial relationships?by communicating and listening with empathy.?

Improve?your connections to others, including in an intimate relationship, by striving to understand the other person and his or her experience. You can increase and demonstrate your empathy with three practices. The first is “reflective listening,” that is, listening to another person without commenting or judging what he or she is saying and?then attempting?to repeat back what you’ve heard. (“What I’m hearing you say is ___. Is that right?”)?

The?second practice is letting your partner know?you understand why he or she feels a certain way.?Make it clear?you grasp your partner’s reactions. (“It makes sense that you feel so strongly about this since you care so much about being kind.”) A third useful practice is striving to view your experience and reactions from a more distanced perspective, as if you were another person watching yourself. This distanced perspective often lessens the emotional heat of the moment and can lead to new insights and opportunities.

“We each bring our own particular strengths and weaknesses into a relationship, our own fears and desires, enthusiasms and anxieties, and the dance that results will always be unlike any other.”

The Harvard?Study and others demonstrate?that children first learn how to relate to people and manage their emotions within their families. Those who grow up in families that provide support, consistency and warmth are better able to manage challenges and to elicit?support from others when they’re facing stress. These strategies for adaptively coping with challenges and emotions also can be learned later in life with the help of supportive people.

You spend most?of your waking hours at work; make the most of them.

You might view your work life as separate from your “real life,” but most people spend a significant amount of time working. By age 80, the average person in the United Kingdom has spent 112,000 hours, or 13 years, of his or her life at work and only 8,800 hours socializing with friends.?If you view your job only as a means of getting a paycheck, you may be less likely to see work as a place where you can develop authentic and valuable connections with others.?

“What if the value of work – even work we dislike – lies not just in getting paid, but also in the moment-to-moment sensations of being alive in the workplace and the feeling of vitality we get from being connected to others?”

While some managers and workers may view having good friends at work as irrelevant or even a drain on productivity, research shows that people with a “best friend” at work are actually more engaged and do better work than those who don’t have a strong friendship at work.?While plenty of understandable reasons exist for disengaging from or avoiding work relationships, doing so can contribute to feelings?of loneliness and disconnection.?To take full advantage of your waking hours, look for opportunities to maximize meaningful social interactions in your chosen workplace.

Human relationships?are important on a collective level as humanity navigates global challenges.

The Harvard Study points to the?importance of adding a “fourth R” to the “3 Rs” of basic education. Children shouldn’t learn just “reading, writing and arithmetic” in schools; they should also learn?about “relationships.”?Because human connection is so crucial to well-being, education should include a focus on “social fitness,” or how to cultivate?healthy interactions.?Schools across the world have begun to catch on, with programs?popping up around the globe that teach children how to manage challenging social situations and their accompanying emotions.

“Week by week, you can prioritize your relationships and choose to be with people who matter. Year by year you can find purpose and meaning through the lives that you enrich and the relationships that you cultivate.”

In the face of global crises, good relationships help people face challenges together and, in this way, support everyone’s well-being.?The good life isn’t a destination. It is “the path itself?and the people who are walking it with you.”