Lessons from a setback

February 20, 2015. My greatest struggle that morning was my broken nail…. It was tough to open my smoothie bottle that morning because of that broken nail. That was until an Austrian exchange student didn’t check his blind spot when he decided to turn left from the middle lane. And I happened to be riding my scooter to work in that left lane like I did every morning.

It’s incredible how many thoughts went through my head in the space of a second. From the moment his car started to turn, to the moment I was laying on the road, it was less than a second. In that second, this is what I thought ‘OMG! That car is turning. Ahh! There’s no way I can avoid hitting it! That’s not going to be good. What about my mum and dad? They will be so upset? And my brothers? And my boyfriend. They will be so sad.’ Then blackness, and I’m lying face down on a side road: ‘I’m alive? How? Can I move?’

I was lucky. When waiting in the ambulance to be taken to hospital I actually thought ‘oh what luxury, a day off work! I’ll go home, have a bath, relax, read a book’. The shock had numbed the pain. It would be months until I had the strength to hold a book. I spent the next two months at home and only left the house to go to the doctor. This was a big lifestyle change, in the previous 8 months I’d only spent one day at home.

Almost every aspect of my life changed as a result of the crash, different job, different home, different relationships. The experience was tough. Life can be hard, but it’s ultimately up to us to make the most of any situation.

1: Everyone has challenges, choose kindness

We all judge. We use stereotypes. And while there is some value in this, it is only valuable when we are open to having these stereotypes crumble. You never know what challenges someone is going through so it’s always best to give people the benefit of the doubt.

This is important in the workplace. You don’t know what your colleagues, clients, supplier and other stakeholders are going through. Maybe their mum has just been diagnosed with cancer, maybe their partner has just asked for a divorce, maybe they’re struggling with their mental health. Or, maybe (hopefully) their life is great. Either way, choosing to act with kindness and love is always appropriate, though sometimes that in itself can be a challenge.

2: Shared challenges can deepen relationships

I often joke that my dad and I are the same people (except that he is bald). We are very similar… both very strong-minded. And you can imagine, this caused a few conflicts when I was younger. In the 5 years since the accident, we’ve hardly fought. Maybe it’s a natural part of growing up, but I suspect it has more to do with the accident. These big life events can change perspective. And I was able to be vulnerable through this challenge and have his support in a way that deepened our relationship.

3: People like to help

After this crash, I could not do the most basic things myself (like lift a cup to drink from), and for years, I struggled to carry equipment for work. I didn’t have a choice but to ask for help. And I learnt – people are so happy to help! This was a revelation to me, but was reinforced when I walked across Spain in 2018. My injuries (left-overs from the crash) meant I had to rely on people who had been strangers only a few days earlier. And those strangers are now dear friends, I was lucky to see some in the USA last year.

 4: Choose gratitude

Every part of being in a car accident sucked. Every part of having chronic pain from that car accident sucks. Sometimes life is hard and unfair (and I am well and truly aware that I am on the lucky side). Even being blessed with good fortune, things go wrong. There’s no point dwelling on how bad a situation is, there is always something to be grateful for even if you have to search hard for it. You might be grateful for the sun or the rain or the fresh air (I am grateful every day there is fresh air in 2020!) And gratitude does help relieve pain. I attended a 10-week pain-management clinic and was really happy this was included in the curriculum.

5: Healing is slow, but it does happen

So, 5 years have passed. I have healed a lot. But, there’s still not a day that goes by that I don’t have pain. It doesn’t stop me from getting out of bed anymore, it may just mean that some days, I choose to take the lift rather than the stairs.

It is a slow process. Mostly you don’t notice your progress. Sometimes it’s big and you do (like the first day I sat up out of bed without agony – I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that day!) But mostly progress is so slow that I only notice when reflecting and think ‘wow, I really have come a long way’.

The first was doing the same walk (Spit Bridge to Manly) 3 years apart. The first was 15 months after the accident. Even though my parents carried everything for me and we went very slow, I was still in so much pain after that I had to have 3 days off work. Fast-forward to 2019 and I was able to carry my own pack, and then walked some more and was fine. That was amazing.

The other time was when I was doing my MBA. I started my MBA 2 years after the accident and in my first team meeting, we decided to use the whiteboard. I was sitting next to it, so everyone looked at me expectantly. I had to awkwardly explain I couldn’t physically write on the whiteboard. 2 years later, I was able to write on the whiteboard without second thoughts. When I realised, I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face!

Other times, I thought I had healed but realise I still had further to go. And that is okay. Like when I was in India for university and witnessed a motorbike accident. I went into shock. It took a while, but I have to be okay that my healing journey is still happening.

6: Define your own story

Don’t let your hardest moments define you, reframe the situation and create your own story. I didn’t want to let my physical pain limit me, so I decided to walk 800kms across Spain on the Camino de Santiago (that does sound a bit extreme now I write it down…). I wanted to prove to myself that I could still do things I wanted and not be limited by my pain. I did walk across Spain, and it was really really hard. There were also moments of great joy, but mostly it was hard. And when things are tough, I know I have reserves of will-power and pain resistance that I can work through challenges.

7: Experiment and take small steps

Having chronic pain means you get good at listening to your body, even if you don’t always like what you hear.

You also need to experiment to find strategies that work for you. I went from being in the best shape of my life to the worst. I couldn’t do yoga, or go to the beach, or walk through nature, or go out and meet friends or even read (I couldn’t hold a book) – all things that brought joy to my life. So I had to find other ways to cope. And that’s how I discovered meditation. And it has been almost 4 years of meditation and I haven’t missed a day. And with daily meditations, I’ve had many other benefits (improved focus, intuition, clarity, calmness).

The second part of listening to your body is to pace yourself, a big take-away from the pain management clinic. This can be likened to the Japanese philosophy of Kaizen: constant and never-ending improvement. This encourages us to create small little improvements every day. Kaizen is gaining traction in business lately after the success of the 1% improvements from the UK cycling team.

8: Change your situation

After the accident, I was in a rut. For about 6 months after the accident I would get home every night and cry (which is out of character for me – I have a disposition to joy). Cry from the pain, from the exhaustion (of the pain killers), from the loneliness. It was amazing how this changed when I changed my situation – my job and my home.

I was in my dream job when the accident happened, but it was difficult to do with my injuries. When I was approached for a new role, it was a hard decision to go from something I knew I loved to the unknown. There has not been a day I have regretted it. My mood shifted immediately and my daily crying stopped. Although this job came with its own challenges (the painful commute to the city), meeting wonderful people and joining the work community quickly lifted my mood.

The second big shift was when I moved houses a year later. I had become so lonely living so far from the city (and my friends). I had a lovely housemate, but unfortunately, I didn’t see her often. Moving closer and living with a friend made a huge difference.

 9: Insurance exists

I understood very little about insurance prior to the accident. I mistakenly believed that Compulsory Third Party (CTP) Insurance covered any damage that another vehicle did to my vehicle and me. But (as the name suggest), it covers only any damage to the person. The driver only had CTP (of which I am very grateful) but it meant that I was out of pocket for a lot of expenses: towing my scooter, getting it assessed, storing the scooter. Luckily my mum came to look after me and started organising everything because my scooter (which can park for free across the city) was racking up a $20 a day storage fee from the tower.

10: Check your blind spots.

Always check your blind spots while driving so that you don’t get sued, or worse, injure someone. And, check your blind spots at work. We all have blind spots so ask a trusted advisor what your blind spots might be so you don’t get caught out.

Conclusion

Life will throw challenges at us all. We can see those challenges as a burden, an obstacle on our path to happiness. Or we can look for the rainbow that accompanies the rain. See the beauty in each situation and become wiser and stronger.

I do sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t been hit that day. I would now be a yoga teacher, but would I have my MBA? Would I still live in Sydney or would I have moved overseas? I can’t know what life would be like. And the funniest thing is, I don’t know if I would change it. I probably wouldn’t.