Lessons from a "Pearl" Marriage

On July 30, 2024, my wife and I celebrated our 30th year of marriage. Even as I type that, it's hard to believe. Thirty years ago, we were naive. We didn't understand what "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part” really meant. However, we did know and believe marriage was a covenant, a contract, between us that was binding. Getting out of it should not be easily or quickly done. Kindly note that it does not mean there aren't valid reasons for terminating the contract. There are. It simply means we believed the covenant was a serious one sealed by God and should not be taken lightly. We were committed. We were "all in," and we still are.

Pearls are the gemstones representing the 30th wedding anniversary and are the traditional gift. They symbolize the 30th because they reflect the fortitude needed in a marriage lasting three decades. Pearls start as grains of sand and transform over time mirroring how a strong marriage becomes more beautiful through the years. They are rare and precious. They accrue layers over many years, which symbolize the wisdom couples gain. It takes grit and resilience for a pearl to form inside an oyster shell. Likewise, those qualities are needed to build a lasting marriage. Pearls start as raw organic matter but become smoothed and refined gems over time. This process represents how marriage, like pearls, becomes more refined with care and effort, not to mention compassion, forgiveness, patience, and love.

Marriage is also a lesson in leadership, or more precisely co-leadership. You're a team and need to learn how to lead as a cohesive team. As with any team, pride, ego, and selfishness are usually the variables that destroy it. They prevent connection with others and relationships from blossoming. They prevent vulnerability-based trust from being formed, which is the foundation of a cohesive team. In marriage, each partner needs to learn how to become a leader the other wants to follow.

Of all the lessons learned in thirty years, there is one that stands out. Don't gossip about your spouse.

What is gossip? Here’s my definition. Gossip is sharing information with somebody who is not part of the problem or the solution. Gossip is a slippery slope.

Don't talk about anyone behind their back when there is relational strife. Rather, confront them directly. In this essence, gossip is a form of retaliation. In the short term, the spreader of the gossip feels better, but it is incredibly destructive. It destroys not only marriages, but all relationships, families, friends, businesses, and communities. Rather than spending time on positive things, it channels all energy to the negative.

Gossip breeds unhealthy conflict, which is different from healthy conflict. Healthy conflict is in the DNA of great teams. It requires vulnerability-based trust and delivers commitment, accountability, and results for the common good. Unhealthy conflict begets discord and dysfunction. Where there is unhealthy conflict, the focus must be on reconciliation, not resolution.

There’s a big difference between these two words. Reconciliation means re-establishing relational harmony. Resolution means solving every problem. In most cases, resolution isn’t practical because you can’t make everyone happy. There are some things we’ll just never agree upon and this is especially true in thirty years of marriage.

But, we can learn to disagree without being disagreeable. We can learn to walk hand in hand without seeing eye to eye. We can learn to have resilient and loving relationships with our spouses that stand the test of time.

These lessons and leadership skills learned in thirty years of marriage can also be applied to our “neighbors,” i.e., everyone else. The future of the institution of marriage, the family, and the human race depends on it.