Lessons from the Middle of the Night

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. with The Dread. Almost everyone I've ever spoken with is familiar with this nighttime affliction - whether occasional or chronic. But for you enviably blissful sleepers out there, The Dread goes something like this:

You wake up, look at the clock and see there's still time to go back to sleep and get at least one more REM cycle in. But suddenly a seed of anxiety or unresolved tension plants itself in one of the folds of your unsuspecting brain, (replaying a conversation you wish had gone better, remembering you have a big project coming up that you're not sure how to tackle, panic over your 13-year-old son's sudden transformation into an incommunicative water buffalo) and now you can't stop thinking about it.

You've been here before, so you know you need to disrupt the negative thoughts. But it's a looping spiral, fueled by increasing desperation as you watch the clock creep toward "might as well get up now" territory. So you double down on trying to force yourself to sleep, but no matter how many times you catch yourself and try to redirect your thoughts to something positive, or at least soporifically mundane, you find yourself right back at the beginning where that seed is starting to sprout even more frustration, anxiety and Dread.

In case you clicked on this post hoping for a miracle cure, I need to state for the record: I'm not a sleep expert. I'm a leadership expert. There are plenty of articles and suggestions out there for how to get back to sleep - or avoid waking up in this state altogether. And I highly recommend finding what works for you because good sleep is absolutely vital to optimal health and functioning.

But the leadership lesson in this semi-universal phenomenon is - it's really important to know when your ability to assess your own effectiveness is simply offline. In the middle of the night, or in the middle of a Board meeting.

The tricksy thing about The Dread is that when you're in it, you truly believe you're capable of rational thought and agency. I mean, you're thinking and you're aware that you're thinking. Cogito, ergo sum and all that. But what I've learned over time is that, when I'm caught in that nighttime spiral, I'm absolutely not capable of following through with rational thought or problem solving techniques. I am not fully resourced - having (obviously) not gotten the requisite amount of? sleep. I'm on high alert, hijacked by frustration, worry and desperation to get back to sleep. It's only after I realize I'm stuck (awareness); get up;? get a glass of water (hydration);? take a few deep breaths (breathing, duh); and redirect my energy to an activity like reading or a crossword puzzle (fully awake) that The Dread recedes and I reset.

The same is true during the waking hours. As leaders, we have hundreds if not thousands of decisions to make every day, from which socks to wear, which links to click, stairs or elevator, tasks to prioritize, calls to take or send to voicemail. Decision fatigue is real fatigue. Stress - whether physical, mental or emotional - can temporarily (sometimes chronically) alter our reactions and often times reduces our effectiveness.

In general, most people react to stress with catabolic energy - either completely at the mercy of their circumstances, or with conflict and anger - or a mix of both. When we're in this stress reaction, it's really difficult to assess whether we're making fully informed, fully resourced, fully compassionate choices. Simply put - our ability to assess our own effectiveness gets taken offline under stress. I help my clients recognize their stress triggers and reactions, and find new tools and sustainable ways to move back into a more productive energetic profile response. Like anything worth doing, it can take practice and time.

But the basics are the same as conquering The Dread: First recognize you're hijacked (awareness). Second, make sure your basic needs are met - are you hungry, tired, or thirsty? (hydration). Third, take a few deep breaths to reset (breathing). Finally, having become aware and refreshed, take time to think about a new way to frame your issues (fully awake, aka: more conscious).

I'd love to hear your methods for reset - to combat The Dread and to ensure you're leading with grace and compassion.

Curious about how to incorporate more consciousness-raising skills in your leadership? Let's talk. I'm always open for exploratory conversations with no strings attached, and I have some spots opening in September for coaching!

This article first appeared at https://www.jenthurman.com/blog/2024/8/26/lessons-from-the-middle-of-the-night