Lessons From Loss

One month of life after death.

On August 25, my beautiful mum Susie died in her sleep, completely without warning, entirely unexpectedly, and decades before we anticipated.

Loss takes many forms. I do not profess to understand every kind of grief, which varies greatly in dynamic, depth and duration. 

However I have lost more than a few things in my life ranging from possessions to pets to promotions. I have also lost a son Benji, my dad Dougie, and now my mum (below with my youngest). 

Grief has ensued from each loss, albeit to varying degrees. Interestingly, no matter how trivial or tragic the loss, I have found the stepping stones along the pathway through grief to be remarkably similar.

Each loss has taught me that…

Good grief is not just possible, it can be probable. Good grief leads to growth.

The day mum died I wrote an article focused on the critical role of the workplace in supporting people experiencing significant loss. The response from the LI community was as overwhelming as it was beautiful (click here to read 'Good Grief').

This article is written for those that are experiencing grief themselves, based on the wisdom shared about grief by the hundreds that commented on my first article, as well as the insights I have learned from family, friends, colleagues and others over the last month.

Part of me wishes that this article will not be relevant to you… that part of me that also wants to wrap my kids up in cotton wool to protect them from anything ever going wrong.

However as I learn more about grief and loss the more I realise that it is both inevitable and vital to our growth and development. 

Loss is inevitable. What you gain from it is a choice.

Fortunately we don’t have to learn from loss in isolation. We can benefit from all those that have lived, survived and thrived through loss before us, not to mention the extensive research done about grief and post-traumatic growth (click here for more on PTG).

A key to learning from loss and ultimately growing through it is to understand how grief manifests.

There are three forms of loss that most commonly impact those in grief relating to what psychologists call 'self determination theory' i.e. our need as humans for autonomy, competence and relationship (click here for more on SDT). Each are worthy of acknowledgment. Each bear different symptoms. Each have unique strategies to resolve.

1 - LOSS OF CONTROL

Humans have become pretty good at controlling our environment, especially in the developed world. We spend most of our lives in an effort to shape everything around us to suit our wants and needs: our communities, our homes, our friends, our careers, our families, our bodies, our minds etc.

The death of a loved one is perhaps the ultimate wake up call that much of the control we aspire to have is an illusion. 

The ‘survival software’ in our brains longs for certainty and consistency. 

Major loss is like a ransomware virus that infiltrates your operating system and shuts you down from accessing critical files. 

Fortunately, the ransom to be paid to unlock this virus is affordable and takes at least two forms.

Ransom One: Achievement

Consciously taking back control of even the smallest task can help. For me keeping the house tidy in the first week after mum died became a focus. No mean feat with four kids! Despite the seeming superficiality of this activity it gave me a small sense of achievement and started to restore my sense of control.

Ransom Two: Acceptance

Accepting that we do not and cannot control all the variables in life can be a bitter pill to swallow. However doing so is made easier when we look back and acknowledge that many of the best things that happen to us in life are the result of situations beyond our control, and sometimes those situations at first don't seem great at all.

I remember being ‘encouraged’ to leave one of my first jobs. I wasn’t part of the vision that my new boss had and she made it very difficult for me. She hoped I would resign to avoid the cost of making me redundant. At the time I was devastated.

Her plan worked. I resigned following an offer to work for another organisation with the most amazing people doing a role that was life changing. What at first seemed terrible actually changed the course of my career for the better.

2 - LOSS OF CONFIDENCE

Grief takes an enormous amount of energy leaving little for more complex functions like problem solving and mental agility. (Click here to read more about your energy storehouse) As such when we experience loss we also can lose confidence as our brains just don’t work like they used to.

It reminds me of how old computers get clogged up with programs operating in the background. Tasks that would take a fraction of a second when your computer was new now take minutes. Or even worse your computer crashes! 

Grief sets off numerous programs in our physical, emotional and psychological operating systems relating again to our survival software. 

This makes perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective. In more primitive times death was more likely to occur from an external threat that could impact everyone, such as being attacked by predators or some form of natural disaster. 

It made sense for our survival software to go into overdrive if someone close to us died as there was a very real chance that the cause of their death may impact you or others as well.

That same response makes little sense now when death is far more likely to occur due to individual circumstances that will not kill us also. It makes even less sense when our survival software runs wild relating to something that has absolutely no chance of causing death, like failing an assignment or losing a big client.

To get your confidence back try focusing the limited energy you have on people and activities that will give you a positive energy ROI and avoid those that leave you in deficit. 

• Do spend time with people and on tasks that add to your reserves. Find the ‘zappers’ in your life, i.e. those people or activities that charge you up. Avoid the ‘sappers’ that drain you of energy.
• Do watch movies, read books or listen to music and podcasts that build you up, make you laugh, or remind you about life’s beauty and potential.
• Do eat well and drink lots of water to ensure you're maximising your bodies good energy reserves, biological functioning and immune system.
• Do exercise, get outside, connect with animals or even better do all three at the same time. Spending time in nature is a well proven strategy for restoration (see image below from the day my mum died).
• Don’t make any major decisions, partly because your capacity for objective decision making is at an all time low and partly because it just takes too much energy which you don’t have.
• Don’t listen or read news focused on the pain and suffering going on in the world. You have enough to deal with already without taking more on vicariously.
• Don’t drink too much alcohol, which is a depressant that slows the function of the central nervous system, blocking important messages from your body to the brain.
• Don’t overcommit. Grief does not operate on a predictable timetable. Take your time and don’t put pressure on yourself unnecessarily with colleagues, family, and friends. It is OK to say no. Some commitment is important to restoring your confidence and sense of control but don't bury yourself in busy-ness too soon.  

3 - LOSS OF CONNECTION

Following major loss it is very common for people to feel disconnected from others. 

To continue with the computer metaphor it is like disconnecting your operating system from the internet. No comms out. No comms in. No automatic upgrades. No virus protection. No cloud access. Offline resources only, many of which have been disabled by ransomware and background programs as mentioned previously.

Loss of connection occurs for many reasons. For example, the bereaved may have been caring for someone with a terminal illness for some time and has not had the capacity to maintain regular contact with others. Or it may be that the bereaved struggles to relate to people that don’t understand or appreciate their situation.

Grief can also manifest in some pretty unexpected ways too as the brain tries to process the extraordinary emotions that accompany loss. 

Anger, resentment, guilt, betrayal and a raft of other potentially destructive emotions can be triggered. All are normal, just not always helpful.

From the bereaved's perspective these more destructive emotions may not seem connected with the loss event so their brain tries to find something or someone to anchor the emotion to in an effort to justify it. 

Sadly the unworthy anchor is often a close friend, family member or partner, rarely deserving of the negative attention.

Such projection tragically drives away the person we need the most at our time of grief.

Although this phenomenon is well documented in psychological research, and explained visually in the graph below, my knowledge of it is more personal than theoretical.

After my dad’s death due to a brain tumor in 2013 I spent three years wrestling with anger and betrayal. My wife bore the brunt of this. Thankfully our marriage lasted and is now stronger than ever, but oh, how close it came to being otherwise.

As one of the respondents to my first LI article Good Grief said

“Grief changes you. Choose to be better, not bitter”. 

Well said Harry.

There are four simple antidotes to loss of connection in my experience. But as my old mentor Fred says ‘simple is not always easy’.

1. Share your story. I cannot believe how many incredibly authentic, heartfelt and deeply bonding conversations I have had with family, friends, colleagues, people who knew mum, and LI peers some of whom I have never met from all over the world in the last month.
2. Listen to others’ stories. I will never forget when my son Benji’s heart failed during birth how many of my friends’ parents shared their stories about losing children during birth back in the 70's and 80's. Back then hospitals whisked the babies away thinking it was best for the parents. To this day these adults are still traumatized by never being able to say goodbye. Somehow by sitting with them and hearing their stories their lost children’s lives were validated.
3. Help others in need. There is never a shortage of need around us. If sharing your own story or listening to others is not an option, doing something practical for others can be a great way to generate something positive in your time of loss. For example cooking a meal for a sick neighbour. Not only will you help them out but your relationship with them will also deepen.
4. Write gratitude letters/emails. Again if talking about your loss is still too raw then an alternative is to bless somebody that has made a positive impact in your life by telling them how and what impact they had on you. It may be somebody from long ago or someone you see regularly. Either way this process will make a positive difference in their lives and yours as well as deepening your bond with them.

The ideas above are far from comprehensive, might seem overly simplistic, and won’t work for everyone experiencing significant loss, but all are based on either sound research or my personal experience or both. I do hope they can bring some hope to you during this time of trial.

As Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg says in her recent collaboration with Wharton Professor of Psychology Adam Grant following the sudden death of her husband Dave…

“Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of Option B.”

Option B is not want any of us ask for, but it can generate outcomes and experiences that would not have been possible otherwise.

Ray Dalio, the so-called Steve Jobs of investing, judged one of the 100 most influential people in the world says...

“Pain + Reflection = Progress”

Let’s help ourselves and each other to ensure the pain we experience does lead to progress. To not do so would be the greatest loss of all.

?Please find below links to my previous monthly posts.

• Good Grief
• 20 reasons why corporate wellness programs get sick
• Australia is still lucky... but for how long?
• Change management has become a joke!
• Are you ready for the third age?
• What matters most in a post-truth world?
• Never waste a good crisis
• Your best bet yet for a year of success
• What will your New Year's Evolution be?
• Are you ready for the 'gig economy'?
• Are you working with an energy vampire?
• From counting people to making people count
• Five novel tactics for better leadership
• Mid year reviews: Ubiquitous but ridiculous
• Talent pipelines are broken
• Australia: The innovation immigration correlation
• Time to reimagine HR
• The secret to successful disruption: The innovation colony
• How to survive and thrive in the supermatrix
• The biggest predictor of career success is...
• The secret to high performance is not what you think...
• Where are you on the digital vortex?
• Diversity does not equal inclusion
• How to catch and hold the rebound expat
• The e-factor is the new x: the ultimate growth multiplier
• Are you working with a waste of space?
• Iron Man needs you!
• Collaboration: the new super skill
• Leading innovation from the Australian subsidiary
• Insurgent or incumbent: the key to a future every company wants is...
• Why the talent war is over
• How 'the other GDP' is causing a talent crunch

Rich Hirst is a Director of CEB's International Executive Forums, providing a range of services specifically and exclusively for the most senior executives in the Australian operations of foreign-owned multinational corporations.  

CEB's International Executive Forums operate four peer groups: the International CEO Forum with over 3o0 CEO members; the International CFO Forum with almost 180 CFO members; the International HRD Forum with some 160 HRD members; and in 2016 we launched the International CSO Forum for heads of sales functions. In addition to our peer group services, we also provide a range of opportunities for our member companies to develop their up-and-coming talent through a series of events with a particular focus on women and emerging executives. For more information please call +612 9955 2848.

CEB is a best practice insight and technology company. In partnership with leading organizations around the globe, we develop innovative solutions to drive corporate performance. CEB equips leaders at more than 10,000 companies with the intelligence to effectively manage talent, customers, and operations. CEB is a trusted partner to 90% of the Fortune 500, nearly 75% of the Dow Jones Asian Titans, and more than 85% of the FTSE 100. CEB is now part of Gartner.