Lessons From Lahti (5/5)

Introduction

In August of 2023, I raced in and completed the 70.3 Ironman World Championships in Lahti, Finland. In training for and competing in the race, there were 5 key lessons which I, as an athlete and high performance coach, learned or was reminded of. These are lessons about everyday high performance which transcend sport and can be applied to any area of life, personal and professional. They are lessons not just for athletes, but for all of us looking to improve our performance in life.

Why am I writing this and sharing these lessons with you? Because through my story and the lessons which I have learnt on my journey, I hope to inspire and empower you. While these lessons are being told through the lens of my experiences, this is not about me, this is about you, because I hope for you to reflect on how these lessons which I am sharing with you might be applied to your life. As you are reading, I invite you to consider how you might be able to use what I share to make positive changes to your mindset and behaviours, to improve your performance and to live a healthier, happier, more fulfilling life.

Lesson 5: Duty is Joy?

“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was duty. I worked and behold, duty was joy” (Rabindranath Tagore)

It’s just past 4:30 AM in the morning. I climb out of bed and head into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I then go into the kitchen, flick on the light and grab a glass of water, before sitting down in my armchair, putting on my headphones and meditating for 15 minutes. As I come out of my meditation, I sit with my journal for a few moments, to reflect upon the day just gone and to set out my intentions for the day to come, concluding my morning journaling ritual by thinking of and writing down what I am grateful for in my life. As I close my journal and tuck my pen away, I pull out my laptop and come to this page, to begin writing my fifth and final lesson from Lahti. It is early, the sun has not yet risen over the London skyline.?

Is it pleasurable at this moment to be sitting here beginning to write this final lesson? Not particularly. Was it easy to climb out of bed when the alarm went at 4:30 AM this morning? Not today. Was it easy to get into bed at 8:30 PM last night, to ensure that I had a good night's sleep to be at my best today? No. When I was lying on the sofa relaxing yesterday evening and it was coming up to 8:00 PM (when I begin getting ready for bed), was I tempted to grab some more snacks and continue watching Netflix, instead of heading into the bathroom to begin brushing my teeth before bed? Absolutely!?

But I didn’t. I went to bed on time, got a great night's sleep and here I am, typing away as the clock strikes 5:00 AM. This is not because I am in any way special or superior. It is because I have learnt a profound truth in life, a truth which I am about to share with you in these pages. While it would in the moment perhaps be easier and more pleasurable to have made those decisions which would have led to me not being sat here right now, I am here.?

Why? Because I need to feed “the baby”. Not a physical, human baby, but a metaphorical baby: this fifth and final lesson. I have a duty to deliver this to you, just as a mother has a duty to raise and feed her baby. A mother sacrifices what she wants to do or what might be pleasurable for her to feed her baby, since feeding her baby is not a choice and so she will forgo what she wants to do in the moment in order to make sure her baby is fed. So too, when something is in your “feed the baby category”, you will do whatever it takes in order to make sure that your baby is fed. While I have an obligation and for me there is no choice, I don’t feel that I HAVE to do this. No. I feel that I GET to. “The baby” is your meaningful contribution to the world and I see my meaningful contribution to the world being my mission to support, inspire and empower people to live healthier, happier and more fulfilling lives.?

I live my mission as a High Performance Coach specializing in coaching for Sustainable High Performance, through my coaching, speaking, writing and everything which I share with my community. While it may have been physically pleasurable for me to eat more snacks and watch another episode on Netflix last night, or to hit the snooze button this morning and stay under the warm sheets, I have learnt that it is not about me. The irony here and what I have learnt and am sharing with you in this final lesson, is that when we think less about ourselves, the happier we become. When we find and focus on our duty to the world, that brings us incredible joy. It is hard to be sitting here now writing this lesson, it would be easier to be lying in bed. But, as I get into the flow of writing and when it comes to sharing this lesson with you, I know that the baby has been fed and there is no greater satisfaction or fulfillment that life can bring, above that feeling of making a meaningful contribution to the world through service.?

What do you want most for your children in life? (if you don’t yet have children, I invite you to imagine that you do for a moment) I am guessing that, for most, the answer would be for them to be happy and to live a life where they feel fulfilled. But how do we live a life where we are truly happy and fulfilled? If we are to believe the mass marketing of today, we are told that happiness is found in buying that new pair of shoes, or that new car or new house. We are also told that it is found in getting that promotion at work and in the power, influence and increased monetary wealth which come with the new title. In short, society tells us that we find happiness in focusing on, and getting more for, ourselves. Perhaps this is something which you notice in yourself, those thoughts of: “I will be happy when I get X for myself”, or “I will be happy when I do Y for myself.”?

But the scientific research shows us that this focus on self does not actually lead to that lasting sense of happiness and fulfillment. There is this concept of the “Spotlight Effect” which is famous in psychology, whereby it posits that most of us are walking around with this spotlight on us, completely focused on and consumed by us as an individual, our wants, desires, thoughts and needs, and that we think that everyone else is also focused on us, our appearance, actions and decisions. Just like an actor standing solo under a spotlight on a stage, everything around is dark, the focus of everyone and everything is always on us, 24/7, 365.?

What happens when we feel that we are under this constant spotlight? As the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu and Douglas Abrams share in their jointly-authored “The Book of Joy”, this self-centered attitude brings a sense of insecurity and fear, it is a source of suffering. It is hard being under that constant spotlight, constantly thinking of ourselves, over analyzing our behaviors and lives. It’s hot and uncomfortable under the glow of the spotlight, where we are scrutinizing and judging every behavior, aspect and area of our life. And it is so easy for us to become self-absorbed in the modern world, where we have been educated for selfishness and greed. But is this truly serving us? Is our focusing on ourselves and trying to get more for ourselves really making us feel happy and fulfilled inside?

Our friend and Stoic, Seneca, says otherwise: “No one can live happily who has regard for himself (or herself) alone and transforms everything into a question of his (or her) own utility.” Our education in individualism, selfishness and greed is resulting in the opposite of bringing us the happiness which we are led to believe that it will bring. In believing that we need to focus on, do more and get more for ourselves in order to be happy, we are in this perpetual state of not being satisfied with what we have and constantly wanting more. If we attach our happiness to things we don’t have, the more unhappy we will become. They say that happiness = haves / wants. When we are self absorbed, we are chasing more and wanting more for ourselves, raising our “wants” over our “haves” and thus reducing our happiness. Life has shown that our satisfaction in life often has less to do with our absolute condition and more to do with our perception of our condition, essentially, how satisfied we are with what we have. When we are in this state of yearning and longing for more than what we currently have, comparing ourselves to others and wishing we had what others have, we feel that?our lives are lacking.?

The modern world is playing on an evolutionary survival mechanism built into our psychology known as the “want brain”. It is this system which drives us to compete with each other and to want more, which was a survival advantage for our Hunter Gatherer ancestors living in the harsh Savannah, but it no longer serves us today. Wanting more in a world where resources were scarce, helped us survive out in the Savannah where we evolved to live, but that wanting more in the world of abundance which we as the human species find ourselves in today, is contributing to our individual and collective suffering. These evolutionary behaviors are not our fault and I am not judging, or criticizing here. But we have inherited these genes and so it is our choice and, I believe, our responsibility, to do the best that we can to recognise, face up to and tackle these challenges.?

So then, what is the alternative? If focusing on ourselves is not the answer to living a life of happiness and fulfillment, what is? It is in the opposite of focusing on and striving to get for ourselves, it is in taking that spotlight off ourselves and shining it on those around us, to make others feel valued, supported and seen. This has been evidenced time and time again in scientific studies and research, such as the 2013 study by the UnitedHealth Group which found that of all those employees within an organization who volunteered (i.e. took the focus away from themselves and focused on serving others):

• 75% of those employees who volunteered felt happier;
• 90% said it put them in a better mood;
• 75% reported experiencing less stress; and??
• 95% said volunteering enriched their sense of purpose and that they were as a result more likely to help other colleagues.?

We experience these positive emotions when we act in service to others, because we are biologically hardwired to serve. When we give a really thoughtful gift to someone, we feel great right? Seeing them opening it and then seeing their joy and appreciation as a result of what we did for them, feels so rewarding. That is because when we give to others (whether that be in the form of our focus, resources, energy or time) a hormone called oxytocin is released into our bloodstream, which creates that warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Our bodies have evolved to respond in such a way when we give to others because our support of each other was essential for our collective survival as the human species, in a world where resources were scarce and there were many predators in our environment.?

While we do have selfish tendencies built into us which were important for our survival as individuals (since the goal of evolution is survival and reproduction), we have yet stronger in-built tendencies for service. Because while it was important for us as individuals to survive, our individual survival was dependent more on our collective collaboration with, and support for, each other. We are, in this sense, wired to serve and this is why it feels so good when we are of service. Our bodies have evolved to encourage us to do it again, because that repeated service to our tribe is what has ensured that you and I are here today.

Reflecting here for a moment on my own journey as an athlete, when I began training and racing competitively, I was, as most people are, self-absorbed and focused on doing what best served me. I was training and racing, driven primarily by the desire to become a better athlete for my personal benefit. But I have learnt through my journey, that this self-absorption is mentally and physically draining and it can shut us off from the world around us. A focus on self can provide only so much fuel for the fire until that flame begins to flicker. Perhaps this resonates with you, in your business, work or in your life as a whole. Do you think that perhaps you have been too focused on yourself, your desires and needs, and that perhaps there is a great opportunity here for you to look outwards and begin seeing life through the lens of how you can best serve others?

If you can do this, that turning outward, there is something very special waiting for you. As “The Book of Joy'' tells us, “a compassionate concern for others' well-being is the source of happiness … the more we turn toward others, the more we experience joy.” There is then a beautiful cycle which begins to appear: in turning our focus towards others, we experience more joy ourselves and when we experience more joy ourselves, we are then able to bring more joy to others, and so the cycle continues. In re-training ourselves to focus less on ourselves, to think less of our immediate wants and desires and instead, to think more about how we can serve others, it is in that place where true happiness and fulfillment is found. Because it is in seeing life’s purpose as service, that fulfillment is found. And where fulfillment is found, happiness follows.?

I have seen that happiness is like a feather floating through the air. If we try to reach out and grab it, it floats away. The more we try and the harder we try, so the wind blows it further and further away from us. But if we can almost surrender to the fact that happiness is not something that we can seize directly and instead focus not on grabbing happiness itself, but on acting in a way and doing work that serves others and which happiness is a byproduct of, it provides the opportunity for that feather to drop into our lap.

Dr. Martin Seligman, the American psychologist and founding father of Positive Psychology, identified through scientific study that there are three key elements to happiness: Pleasure, Engagement and Meaning.

That meaning is defined by Seligman as belonging to and serving something bigger than ourselves. Rangan Chaterjee in his book, “Happy Mind, Happy Life”, identifies this sense of meaning through positive contribution to the world as an essential “micronutrient” to happiness. I could go on and on, but I think you get it: the less we think about ourselves, the happier we become.

We all have this inbuilt propensity for service, but in some of us this has become lost amidst the noise of the materialistic, individualistic culture we find ourselves in, which leads us down the path of chasing more for ourselves. If we can stop, take a step to the right and move onto the path of service, which we are all born to walk, it is in marching along that path that we can experience the deep sense of happiness, joy and fulfillment which life has to offer.?

There is here, another great irony of life, in that when we give more, we get more. The law of attraction posits that we attract the energy which we put out into the world. When we operate from a place of scarcity, where we believe that we do not have enough, that we need more and that others having more money, wealth, success or happiness means that there is less of that for ourselves, we are sending out low vibrations which are met by the same negative energy we are emitting. Hence, when we have a scarcity mindset, we attract scarcity, negativity and lack into our lives. But when we operate from a place of abundance, where we truly believe that we have enough and that others having more does not mean that there is less for us, we are sending out high vibrations. As we go out into the world with that abundance and service mindset, it opens the door for more abundance to flow to us and, hence, in giving more, we get more. You may be forgiven for thinking that this is a bit “woo woo”, but it is something that I and many, many others have seen to be true. It is something which we can only truly see and experience once we begin doing it.?

In a week’s time, I will be becoming a full time High Performance Executive and Life Coach. To be able to do what I love as my job, to wake up each day and work in what is my greatest passion in life, coaching, is something that I am incredibly excited about! I have been building my coaching business over the past year and a half on the side of my full time job at PwC, and I can say through my experiences as a coach so far that there is no greater feeling than being able to support other people succeed. As a high performance coach, I have the privilege and opportunity to do this, which is something that I am incredibly grateful for. I have taken the decision to become a full time coach, because that is where I believe I can best use my strengths to make a meaningful contribution to the world, and I have experienced that the more decisions I take in life guided by the question of how I can best serve, the better my life becomes. What I am sharing here is not an original thought, philosophers and religious traditions have been saying for centuries that our wellbeing is deeply connected to compassion for, and giving to, others. To add to that, modern science has also now confirmed what these great thinkers and traditions all intuitively knew and what I have learnt.?`

So, the question you may be asking now, is how can I tap into and bring out this giving nature within me? As with anything in life, the answer is in ‘the doing’. Reading is great, then having the awareness that there is an opportunity for you to better serve those around you is great, but nothing will change unless you act on it. Three simple and effective methods which I as a coach have seen to be incredibly powerful in unlocking that giving nature inside of us and, in that, improving our own individual sense of wellbeing are:

1. Having a gratitude practice. Our in-built negativity bias pushes us to focus on the negatives around us and to see what we lack. We can rewire our brains through gratitude to appreciate all that we have, to move us away from the self-absorbed scarcity mindset and towards that altruistic, abundance mindset. This could look like starting your day, or ending your day, by thinking of and writing down three things you are grateful for in your life.
2. Make a small gesture of kindness a day. Giving is something that we can train ourselves to become a habit for us, and to do that we can start with something as small as thinking of and doing one small, kind gesture a day for someone without any expectation of anything in return. Think about how you can, as the famous Indian proverb goes, “plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit.” When you do this, I encourage you to really look out for how it makes the receiver feel, and also to check into how it makes you feel too.
3. Use a skill you have to help someone who can benefit from it. If you enjoy cooking, perhaps this might be inviting your friends or family round and cooking them dinner. Or maybe it is in doing a piece of pro bono work for a charity. Perhaps it is really taking time to support, coach and mentor a more junior member of your team. Or maybe it is using your athletic ability and passion for sport to raise money for a charity.

I invite you to think of what action you will take from today to begin to awaken that giving nature inside of you. Perhaps it is one I suggested above, or maybe it is something else that came to mind for you. It is in developing rituals around service and in consistently sticking to those, that we tap into and draw out our giving nature. In order to make giving our natural response, since we have been re-wired to focus on ourselves, we need to apply an industriousness to our altruism. That is not a dark industriousness, evoking imagery of the dirty factories and the tired, soot-stricken workers of the industrial age, but an intentional, beautiful industriousness that is being purposeful, persistent and diligent in the application of those rituals that will drive that change from our focus on self to our focus on others.?

As we now draw this fifth and final lesson to a close, I appreciate what might on the surface appear ironic, that I have written 5 lessons about my life and experience, with the final lesson being that it is not about me. But, as I share in my introduction and as I believe you would also see as you have come with me on this journey, that these lessons aren’t about me. They are written for and about you. Marianne Williams defined true success as “going to sleep at night knowing our talents and abilities were used in a way that served other people.”

For me, as a coach, I ask myself the question each morning when reflecting on the day before: “Did I do my best to use my strengths and abilities in a way that served other people?” I give myself a score each day out of 10. I don’t get perfect 10s each day, I am no Mother Teresa. I don’t always get it right, some days I get caught up in the scarcity loop and become self-absorbed, taking selfish actions. But through this daily question I keep myself accountable and it supports me in reminding myself each morning that my duty is not to serve myself, but to serve others. As a coach, I think how I can best serve my clients and my community, to give them as much value and support that I can as their coach. As a partner, brother, son, grandson and friend, I ask myself how I can best support and serve those around me, by bringing joy and positivity to their lives. As an athlete I ask myself how I can serve by inspiring others through what I do. I am so driven and motivated to grow as a coach, athlete and a person, because in doing so I am better able to serve others. Because when I crossed that finish line of the World Championships in Lahti, Finland on Sunday 27th August 2023, cold, wet, battered and bruised, that sense of joy and achievement felt great. But it is in supporting and seeing others cross their own finish lines in life, that true happiness and fulfillment is found.?

Mick Todd , Peter Charles Turner , David Labouchere , Victoria Tipper , Guido de Wilde , Olga Cassidy , Ciarán McBreen , Tony Martin , Melda Yasar Cebe , Jack Wolstencroft , Garreth Ewing , Ian Ward .