Lessons from Lahti (2/5)

Introduction

In August of 2023, I raced in and completed the 70.3 Ironman World Championships in Lahti, Finland. In training for and competing in the race, there were 5 key lessons which I, as an athlete and an accredited high performance coach, learned or was reminded of. These are lessons about everyday high performance which transcend sport and can be applied to any area of life, personal and professional. They are lessons not just for athletes, but for all of us looking to improve our performance in life. Why am I writing this and sharing these lessons with you? Because through my story and the lessons which I have learnt on my journey, I hope to inspire and empower you. While these lessons are being told through the lens of my experiences, this is not about me, this is about you, because I hope for you to reflect on how these lessons which I am sharing with you might be applied to your life. As you are reading, I invite you to consider how you might be able to use what I share to make positive changes to your mindset and behaviors, to improve your performance and to live a happier, more fulfilling life.?

Lesson 2: Don’t forget about your town?

“When it is all said and done, no one will remember or care about how much money you made, how smart of an investor you were, how many hours you worked, or how many luxury items you possessed. People will remember how you made them feel” (Light Watkins)?

I sat back, smiled and looked around me. It was Sunday evening, the race was over and we were now sat enjoying a celebratory meal in Helsinki, in a beautiful restaurant opposite to the hotel where my parents had been staying over the race weekend. Majd and I had been staying at a hotel nearer to Lahti and then, after the race, having packed up all the kit (after warming up and drying off post race!) we got a taxi to Helsinki, where we would all stay together on Sunday night before we all flew back to London together the following morning. As I sat back, I looked around our table, at my Mum, Dad, Joanna (my older sister), Rachel (my younger sister), Majd and Grandma. Everyone was smiling and laughing as they were recounting their race day stories. There was the moment my Mum had to run after her 90 year old mother in law (i.e. Grandma) who made a sprint to the finish line as I rounded the final corner of the run so that she could see me as I finished. There was the moment the Ironman app tracker glitched and incorrectly showed that I’d come to a standstill on the run, which, after our experience together in the Half Ironman in Remich, Luxembourg (where I ended up having to be helicoptered to a nearby hospital after the race) caused a fair amount of understandable concern among Team Patrick. Then there was the heroic story of Grandma, who did 12,000 steps on race day (including that sprint to the finish line!), which, considering her age, was a much more impressive achievement than anything I did on that day. In this moment, as I sat back at the table, I felt a deep sense of love and gratitude for my family around me. I felt a clear sense of appreciation in that moment for the fact that it is not what we do in life that is most important, it is how we make those around us feel.

When I returned to London from Dubai in November of 2022, I was excited to be coming back to my home after an incredible 4 years in Dubai. I was excited to be around my family and to see more of my mates again. I had transferred within PwC to our London office and I was moving into a new team, so I was keen to make a positive impression and to contribute as much value as I could to my new team. Alongside the client facing work at PwC, I was also a very active member of our Health & Wellbeing team with PwC in Dubai and, when I transferred to our London office, I supported in setting up the Health & Wellbeing team within my new team. Alongside my work with PwC, I had also signed up to go on the February 2023 2b Limitless APC coaching training course, which is led by the amazing Peter Charles Turner , to become accredited as an executive coach. I then had the Half Ironman World Championships in August 2023, with the demanding but enjoyable training schedule that it entailed.?During this time from November through to August and up to Lahti, work at PwC was going really well, both on the client facing side and the Health & Wellbeing team side. I had also become accredited as a high performance executive coach specializing in coaching for sustainable high performance and was now coaching 1-1 clients privately outside of PwC, while I was also beginning to build my platform, brand and coaching community on Instagram. Training had also been great, I was consistently hitting my sessions all through the English Winter, through Spring and into Summer, putting in on average 16 hour training weeks throughout this time. Leading into Lahti I had raced in the Warsaw Half Ironman in June 2023 where I PB’d with a time of 4 hours 25 minutes, which exceeded my expectations and gave me a huge confidence boost heading into the world champs.

On the surface, things were going really well and I was absolutely happy during this time. In terms of the pursuit of my professional and personal goals and ambitions, I was doing well and feeling fulfilled. Majd and I had moved into our first flat together which was a very special moment and we were spending more time with my family too, which we loved. But under the surface there was this feeling of guilt that would at times arise. A guilt that I was not investing enough time and energy into staying in touch with and seeing my mates here in London.?

I am incredibly fortunate and grateful to have amazing friends here in London, from mates I knew since I was at pre-prep school, to mates I lived with during boarding school from the ages of 8 to 13 and then 14 to 18, through to friends I made from Edinburgh University. I have such fond memories and special bonds with these friends, who I love and appreciate an incredible amount. But, reflecting back now during that time of my first year back in London after returning from Dubai, I hold my hands up and admit that I didn’t invest enough time and energy into staying in better touch with and seeing more of my mates. I had a lot of what seemed like “good” excuses which I would tell myself: “I have just moved back from Dubai, I need time to find my feet then, once I’m settled, I will see them more”; “I have so much on my plate right now with work, coaching and training, I don’t have time to see them as much as I would like”; “With my big training load and busy work weeks, I need to prioritize my rest and recovery on the weekends.”

I was also faced with a challenge that I knew would come when I returned to London, which was that my lifestyle was now quite different from when I left.? I was now going out less and more focused on getting great sleep and rising early, to have the time and energy to be able to give my best to my work, coaching and training, which I love and find so rewarding. I appreciate this meant that I wouldn’t necessarily be up for nights at the pub, and so, it was challenging to try and make social plans.?When I would see on social media my mates out together, I would at times feel that sense of guilt and also that feeling of missing out. I would at times question myself and my decisions. This is a natural part of our biology and psychology, we as humans, as Owen Eastwood explains in Belonging, “have a primal need to belong”. And during this time, because of the decisions I made and in no way due to any fault on behalf of my mates, I felt like that sense of belonging with my mates at times was missing. When we say yes to something in life, we are at the same time saying no to something else. I was, and still am, very aware of the time and energy I have each day and in saying yes to nights at the pub, I would be saying no to the early mornings that form the foundation of my high performance lifestyle. That being said, there is a balance here, and while in pursuit of greatness we do need to be selective in what we say yes to, reflecting back now, during that time I could have said yes to my friends more.

It almost feels a little uncomfortable sharing this, since it is quite personal, but I think that this feeling is something which a lot of us experience. In writing this second lesson and in my writing and content sharing as a whole, I hope to be open, honest and vulnerable with myself and with you, so that you might be able to be honest with yourself as well. We all make mistakes and none of us get it right everytime, I think it is important that each of us recognise that within ourselves and within others. I have also learnt that when we feel a slight discomfort in any area in life that we should not be afraid to lean into that, we should not push it away, but we should explore it, be open, vulnerable and willing to admit when we make mistakes. That is how we learn and grow. Perhaps that feeling of guilt for not being in touch with or seeing some of your friends enough, is something that you’ve experienced or maybe are experiencing now as you are reading this? Or maybe it is your family who feel that you should speak to or see more? Perhaps in pursuit of a professional or personal goal, you haven’t been investing as much time in your relationships as you feel you should?

After the Summer of 2023, I was determined that I would learn from this mistake I made, that I would be more intentional about showing my friends how much I value our relationships and investing the time and energy into them, that they absolutely deserve. Because I now see that relationships and community are the most important thing in life, above all else. This is why community was the topic of our Christmas Special Walk for the high performance walking club that I set up in Battersea Park.

The walk was a beautiful celebration of community. I was so grateful to have Majd D. , my sister Rachel Harrison and some of my closest and oldest mates there. From Harry O'Hara , a great old mate who I have known from pre-prep school who lived down the road from me growing up; to Will Davidson from my prep-school; to Drew Kemp , Louis W. , Miles Alexander , Oscar Silver , Lucy Barker-Hahlo , Elizabeth Murley , Hector Don Alice Shedden and some of my other friends from my senior school; to Hugh Anderson , James Allen , Oscar Allitt , Florrie, Gus Dodson, CFA , Henry Martin , Alexander Hockaday , Hugo Melvin , Alexander Speke ACA , Cecilia Giuseppetti , Harry Rees and some of my other amazing mates from Edinburgh University; to Tom and the other special people who joined us on that day. While I loved seeing my mates and others from community who joined for the Christmas Special walk, do you know what the best part of it was for me? Seeing the smiles, laughter and enjoyment everyone had from being with each other.

As I shared on our walk, our survival as individuals and as a species was dependent on us staying connected, physically and emotionally. A 1987 study found that isolation (being the subjective sense of being cut off from people and feeling like you have no one to turn to) is “as significant to mortality rates as smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, obesity and lack of physical exercise.” Perhaps we may intuitively appreciate how important relationships are for our mental health but this study, chosen just as one from many, shows how important it is for our physical health too.?

This has been further evidenced in the great work by Dan Buettner on Blue Zones, being areas of the world where people live exceptionally long lives and where the rates of centenarians, being people who live over 100, are significantly higher than other parts of the world. The research and scientific studies of the Blue Zones has identified that within each of these longevity pockets, social connectedness and community is deeply ingrained into the cultures, whether that be the Maois meeting regularly in Okinawa, the Linda Loma Adventists hosting weekly meals with their congregations, or the Sardinians in the Baragia region meeting with friends every evening. This aspect of their cultures and way of life, centred around relationships, is a key contributor to the longevity of those peoples within these communities. This shows just how powerful our relationships are, not just for our mental health and quality of life, but for our physical health too.

In ‘The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Study on Happiness’, Robert Waldinger and Marc Shulz cite a study which shows that “people most satisfied in their relationships at 50 were the healthiest mentally and physically at 80”. Shawn Anchor in ‘The Happiness Advantage’, shares that in a particular study on the impact of relationships on our happiness, for the happiest 10% of people in the study the distinguishing factor which resulted in them being happier than the other 90% of the participants, was the “strength of their social relationships.”

But why is this? Why is our mental health, physical health and quality of life so dependent on our relationships? When we experience a positive social interaction and experience that sense of belonging, a powerful hormone soup of oxytocin (known as the body’s love hormone), dopamine, endorphins and serotonin is released in our bodies. This combination of hormones flooding into our system results in the positive emotions associated with connection and creates that warm, fuzzy feeling that we experience when we have that positive social interaction. I am sure you have experienced it too, perhaps after a wholesome weekend with family or friends. These hormones are released by our bodies when we connect with others as a reward and to drive us to do it again, because that connection and staying within the tribe was essential for the survival of our hunter gatherer ancestors. That drive to connect and belong is still biologically hardwired within us today.?

Now, I want you to imagine, just for a moment, that all of your relationships in your life were stripped away right now. What would be left? Your life would lack meaning and purpose without those relationships, right? Relationships are what make everything else in life meaningful. Success and achievement are nothing without people to enjoy and celebrate it with. But how many of us, when we are honest with ourselves, are truly intentional about our relationships? We, as I did, often go long periods of time without speaking to or seeing some of those closest to us.?It is so easy for us to get caught up in the everyday busyness of our lives, always on, go go go, feeling like we have no time left at the end of the day to reach out to that old friend we’ve been thinking about or pick up the phone and call that relative we know we should speak to more. And relationships go both ways, our relationships give our lives meaning and we give meaning to the lives of those around us. So an investment in your relationships is not just for yourself, but for the person on the other side too.

I heard Dr. Michael Gervais, the high performance psychologist and world-renowned expert on the relationship between elite performance and the mind, talking about how each year for him is a “Year of”, with this year being “The Year of Joy” for him as his focus throughout the year is on bringing more joy to his work. For me, taking on board this lesson that I learnt, this year is “The Year of Community.” And, as Amit Kalantri, author of ‘Wealth of Words’, says and I love to share, “a tongue doesn’t get things done!” I have vowed not just to make that statement and let it sit there on the shelf, but to take action to make it happen.

I am so much more intentional about my relationships in my life now, with my mates and with everyone around me. While I perhaps used to subconsciously take them for granted, I no longer do. When I think of an old friend, I don’t just allow that thought to sit for a little bit and then float away, I pick up my phone and send them a message to let them know that I’ve been thinking of them and to ask them how they’ve been. When I feel like I haven’t seen a mate or a group of friends for a little while, I’ll reach out to them to get something in the diary. As I finish writing this second lesson, I am sat on the plane to Barcelona next to my partner in crime, Majd, who I am incredibly grateful to have in my life. When we return to London, we will be shortly be seeing some of my closest mates from Edinburgh, as well as other close friends to celebrate St Patrick's Day with, then the following weekend we have some other great friends from Edinburgh coming round to our flat for dinner. Then a couple of weeks later I will be seeing some of my best mates from senior school, which would, I believe, be the first time we have all been back together in many, many years and I am really looking forward to that!

A few weeks ago one of my oldest mates, Farai Matanga , who I shared a dorm with at prep school from the age of 8, organized a reunion for us guys from our prep school and I absolutely loved it! It was so great to see and connect with these guys again. Where before, when I would say to a mate I haven’t seen for a while that we should meet up soon and then we never get round to it, now with this appreciation of how special, important and precious these relationships are, I follow through on those commitments. My life is so much better for it and, I hope, that my friends lives' might be a little better for it too.?

Now, bringing this back to sustainable high performance. Why are relationships so important for sustainable high performance? After speaking to many people around this, often in the pursuit of success we neglect our relationships and this is unsustainable and ultimately unfulfilling. Following this approach there comes a time when we realize as we have climbed the mountain of financial success and look around us, that we’ve lost touch with those most important to us. Now, in coaching for sustainable high performance, that community and those relationships are so key. It comes back to a question I ask my coachees when we start on our coaching journey: “What would a successful life look like for you?” We often default to attributing success to how much money we have in our bank accounts and our job title, so in striving to be successful we chase money and status, neglecting our relationships on the assumption that more money and more promotions means more success, which means a better life. But does it? What if a successful life for us wasn’t one where we were incredibly wealthy but didn’t have time for our relationships, but instead where we enjoy a good living, doing a job that we enjoy and that also crucially allows us time outside of work to spend with those closest to us. What if our definition of success wasn’t X number of $ in our bank account, but instead determined based on the amount of time we have spent with our friends and family that week?

Another powerful moment in leading me to truly appreciate the importance of our relationships in life was shortly after Lahti, when Majd and I were in Palestine in September of 2023 for Majd’s younger brother Noor’s wedding. On the morning of the wedding, Majd, her Mum and sister went to the hair salon in Nablus where the wedding was to be held, while Noor, Majd’s Dad, Mamoun, and Majd’s older brother, Mahmoud, and I would make the drive from Ramllah, where Majd’s family live, to Nablus a little later in the day. That morning, I went outside for a short walk around the neighborhood that Majd lives in while listening to the audiobook of Arthur C Brooks and Oprah Winfrey’s “Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier.” As I walked in the sunshine, admiring the beautiful views of Ramallah from the hillside that Majd’s family’s home sits on, Brooks was talking about how relationships are what bring us the most happiness in our lives. I then returned from my walk to Majd’s family’s home, I walked into the kitchen to find Majd’s Dad, Mamoun, smiling and singing in Arabic as he was frying some eggs on the hob. On the table was a delicious breakfast which he had been preparing, with foul, hummus and other traditional Palestinian dishes. Mamoun turned to me and smiled, “Patrick, come sit down and eat!” I could feel his happiness and warmth radiating through the room. I went over to the kitchen table and, after offering whether I could help and being kindly told not to worry but to sit down and enjoy breakfast, I pulled out a chair and sat down. As I sat there, I watched Mamoun as he carried on singing in Arabic while cooking his eggs. It was the morning of his youngest son’s wedding and all his family and friends would be gathering for the wedding in Nablus. It would be a beautiful day of celebration and community. I could sense that deep sense of contentment and happiness which Mamoun was feeling in that moment and was once again powerfully reminded that the moments when we are happiest in our lives are as a result of our relationships with others.?

And so, as we bring this second chapter of the Lessons from Lahti to a close, I want to share a lyric from a song that was suggested to me on my Spotify recently. The song is by X Ambassadors and is called “Your Town”. In the song are the lyrics: “I won’t forget about my town, I won’t forget where I came from.” When I listened to this recently it really struck me, as it was speaking to exactly what I have come to realize and what I am sharing here with you on these pages, which is that: no matter what I or you achieve in life, or how busy we may be, we should never forget about our town, we should never forget about our mates. But, not only that, we should be active in truly expressing, through our words and actions, our appreciation of our friends, our family and everyone else who is important in our lives. Because, at the end of the day, as Light Watkins beautifully depicted in the quote that opened this lesson, when everything is stripped away, what matters most is not what you achieved in life, but how you made those around you feel.

Now, I have a request, an invitation. I would like you to think of an old friend who you have lost touch with and have been thinking about recently. Before the day closes today, I would like you to pick up your phone and reach out to them, with a text, a voice note or a call. In Bronnie Ware’s ‘Five Regrets of the Dying’, do you want to know what number 4 is? “I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.” Don’t let that be you. Don’t allow the?busyness of life to get in the way of that one thing which is most important in our lives: our relationships. However, I do not want the fear of losing touch with your best friends to be the last feeling which you take away from these pages. No, I want us to move forward and for you to reach out to them from that place of abundance, with perhaps a new or renewed sense of appreciation of how much more enjoyable and fulfilling a life intentionally centered around our relationships could be.??