Lessons From Dale Carnegie
Principles:
1- Don’t criticize, condemn or complain….
2- Give honest and sincere appreciation….
3- Arouse in the other person an eager want or desire….
4- Become genuinely interested in other people….
5- Smile….
6- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and
most important sound in any language….
7- Be a good listener....Encourage others to talk about themselves….
8- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests….
9- Make the other person feel important…..and do it sincerely….
10-The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it….
11-Show respect for the other person’s opinions….Never say, “You’re Wrong”....
12-If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically….
13-Begin in a friendly way….
14-Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately….
15-Let the other person do a great deal of the talking….
16-Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers….
17-Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view….
18-Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires….
19-Appeal to the nobler motives….
20-Dramatize your ideas….
21-Throw down a challenge….
22-Begin with praise and honest appreciation….
23-Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly….
24-Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person..
25-Ask questions instead of giving direct orders….
26-Let the other person save face….
27-Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement...
Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”....
28-Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to….
29-Use encouragement….Make the fault seem easy to correct….
30-Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest…..
Notes to How To Win Friends and Influence People
There is only one way under High Heaven to get anybody to do anything….Make the other person want to do it….The deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be/feel important….The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated….The way to develop the best in a person is by appreciation and encouragement...If you get only one thing from reading this book - an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view and to see things from their angle, it would prove to be one of the building blocks of your career….Arouse in the other person, an eager want….Those who can do this, have the whole world with them; those who cannot walk a lonely path….Self expression is the dominant necessity of human nature….When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves….The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back….A smile says, “I like you; you make me happy; I’m glad to see you”....There’s far more information in a smile than a frown….That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment….People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it….You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you....Everybody in the world is seeking happiness….and there is one sure way to find it...That is by controlling your thoughts...Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions...It depends on inner conditions….”There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”....Shakespeare….The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together....You may be thought of as a good conversationalist when, in reality, you had been a good listener and encouraged the other person to talk….So, if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener...To be interesting, be interested….Ask questions that other people will enjoy answering…(What I call “The interview technique”...Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments….The people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems….A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people….Always make the other person feel important….The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated….”Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you”....A sign in a classroom…”You Are Important”....Almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance and recognize it sincerely….Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours….A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still….If you argue, rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty one because you will never get your opponent’s good will….
“Here lies the body of William Jay, Who died maintaining his right of way; He was right, dead right as he sped along, but he’s just as dead as if he were wrong”....The tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most common of human frailties….He wanted a feeling of importance and as long as Mr. Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by loudly asserting his authority….But as soon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand his ego, he became a sympathetic and kindly human being….Buddha said, “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by Love,”....and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint….Distrust your first instinctive impression..Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive….Control your temper; Listen first; Look for areas of agreement; Be honest; Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully…Thank your opponent sincerely for their interest….Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponent into a friend….Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem….If you can’t be sure of being right even 55% of the time, why should you tell other people they are wrong….If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it...Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it….Galileo said….You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself...Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so….Showing respect for all customers’ opinions and treating them diplomatically and courteously will help beat the competition….Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased...Most are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion fear, envy and pride… The little word “my” is the most important in human affairs…. Most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do...Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person….Jesus said, “Agree with thine adversary quickly”....The policeman wanted a feeling of importance, so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy...If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?...Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?...Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants or intends to say, and say them before that person has a chance to say them...The chances are that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized...Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes; and most fools do….but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes...By fighting, you never get enough; by yielding, you get more than you expected...If you come at me with your fists doubled, I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, “Let us sit down and take counsel together and if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are; we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all...If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in the world...Scolding parents, domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds...They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you...But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly...Lincoln said, “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall”...A friendly, sympathetic approach will win...Gentleness and friendliness are always stronger than fury and force...In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ; begin by emphasizing the things on which you agree...Emphasize that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose….Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” in the beginning and keep your opponent from saying no…..When a person says and means the word NO, their entire being, glandular, nervous and muscular, gathers itself together into a condition of rejection...The entire neuromuscular system sets itself on guard against acceptance...When a person says Yes, none of the withdrawal activities takes place...The more “yeses” we can induce at the beginning, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal...It seems as if people get a sense of their own importance by antagonizing others at the outset...It doesn’t pay to argue; it is much more profitable and more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person to say “yes, yes”...Socrates asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree...A Chinese proverb says, He who treads softly goes far...Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves...Let the other person talk themselves out...Listen patiently and with an open mind...Encourage them to express their ideas fully...It pays richly to let the other person do the talking...If you want enemies, excel your friends; if you want friends, let them excel you...It is wiser to make suggestions and let the other person think out the conclusion...One time, a sales meeting was called and the manager urged his people to tell him exactly what they expected from him...and then he wrote all their ideas down….Then he said, I’ll give you all these qualities you expect from me but I want you to tell me what I have a right to expect from you...The replies came fast; loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, teamwork, 8 hours/day of enthusiastic work...The meeting ended with a new courage and a new inspiration….The increase of sales was phenomenal...I had failed to sell Mr. Wesson for years….I was urging him to buy what I thought he ought to have...Then I changed my approach; I urged him to give me his ideas...This made him feel that he was creating the designs and then I didn’t have to sell him anything; he bought….Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers...Lao-tse once said, “The reason why rivers and seas receive homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them; thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams”...Other people may be totally wrong, but they don’t think so...Try to understand them...There is a reason why the other person thinks and acts as they do; ferret out the reason and you’ll have the keys to their actions and to their personality...Put yourself in their place...Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint...Always think in terms of the other person’s point of view...Here’s a magic phrase: I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do; If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do...Feel sorry for people; pity them; sympathize with them...Say to yourself, “there, but for the grace of God, go I”...Three quarters of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy….Give it to them and they will love you...Self-pity for misfortunes real or imagined is practically a universal practice...All people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation...A person usually has 2 reasons for doing a thing; one that sounds good and the real one...All of us like to think of motives that sound good; so in order to change people, appeal to their nobler motives….Stating a truth isn’t enough; Truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic; you have to use showmanship...You will have to do it if you want attention...The way to get things done is to stimulate competition such as in the desire to excel…..ie….the challenge; throwing down the gauntlet; an infallible way of appealing to people of spirit...What greater challenge can be offered than the opportunity to overcome one’s fears...All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, always to victory….The one major factor that motivates people is the work itself...If work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job...Every successful person loves “the game”...ie..the chance for self-expression; the chance to prove their worth, to excel, and to win...It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points...Beginning with praise is like a dentist beginning his work with Novocain; the patient still gets a drilling but the Novocain kills the pain..A leader will take the pain away...Change the word but, to and….ie...We’re really proud of you Johnnie for raising your grades this term AND by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others...Indirectly calling attention to a person’s mistakes works wonders with sensitive people who might resent bitterly any direct criticism...Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask...People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued...Many people ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride...A genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude would go a long way to alleviating the sting of criticism...We only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face...What matters is not what I think of a person but what that person thinks of himself...Hurting a person in their dignity is a crime...A real leader will always follow...Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation...Let us praise even the slightest improvement...That will inspire the other person to keep on improving...Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit; we cannot grow and flower without it...Most of us are only too ready to apply to others, the cold wind of criticism; we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow man, the warm sunshine of praise...A peasant mother’s praise and encouragement changed a boy’s life...His name was Enrico Caruso and he became the greatest and most famous opera singer of his age...The praise and recognition he received from getting one story in print, changed his whole life, for if it hadn’t been for the encouragement, he might have spent his entire life working in rat infested factories...his name was Charles Dickens...An old schoolmaster gave him a little praise and assured him that he really was very intelligent and fitted for finer things; that praise changed the future of the boy who went on to write innumerable bestselling books; his name was H.G. Wells….Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B .F. Skinner’s teachings...When criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention...He specifically pointed out how his work was superior...Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given...When praise is specific, it comes across as sincere...not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good...Nobody wants flattery...If we inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people; We can literally transform them….Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom with encouragement...The average person can be readily led if you have their respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability...If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics...Give a person a fine reputation to live up to and they will make prodigious efforts rather than to see you disillusioned….”I know I am a better dancer than I would have been if she hadn’t told me I had a natural sense of rhythm...That encouraged me and gave me hope and desire to improve…” The prime interest with adults is health; the second interest is in developing skill in human relationships….People want to learn techniques of getting along with and influencing other people...The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experiences behind you...Dale Carnegie made a living not by teaching public speaking….that was incidental; his main job was to help people conquer their fears and develop courage…
Notes from the book, “How To Win Friends And Influence People” by Dale Carnegie