Lessons from Dad

Everyone has a cancer story. Whether personal, family or friend you are sure to be touched at some point in your life. With a mere 4 months left before he was set to retire, my Dad, Dennis Hoffman, received the devastating news that Stage 4 cancer had set into his body. As our family sat back and tried to process the life expectancy prognosis of  “one year…..maybe two….” A feeling of overwhelming bitterness set in as I contemplated the complete unfairness of the situation. Stage 4 cancer? 4 months before retirement? 1 year to live!?!?

As I wallowed in self-pity, my Dad was able to grasp a sliver of hope from a comment that his oncologist made. While the doctor made it clear that my father’s cancer was quite severe and it was going to be fatal, he mentioned that individual patients all respond differently. He cited a patient that he helped through Stage 4 cancer for nearly 10 years and at that point, my Dad took control of the situation and set the tone for how he was going to fight for his life. It was going to be on HIS terms “well…it would be great to get to age 75. When do we get going on treatment?”

Losing a parent is a life-altering event. For me personally, a lot of my focus turned not to how my Dad raised me, but on how he left the world…on his terms, embracing the possibility of a cure. There would be no indignation and no quit until the bitter end. For 2 ? years, we observed my Dad fighting courageously in his pursuit of a miracle. He woke up every morning appreciating the fact that he had one more day to experience.  I could not have been prouder of the sheer grit and determination that coursed through his body during the process.  

Since his passing, I have had the chance to reflect on the hypothetical question of whether or not it is better to go in your sleep with no pain or suffering, or to experience the protracted, and often gruesome, battle with a wasting disease. Of course, there is no correct answer to the question. As painful as it was to observe his suffering, I would not trade the lessons my Dad taught me over the last 2 ? years of his life for anything. He made the choice each and every morning that cancer was not going to dictate how he would live. He was going to control the narrative.

We shared a conversation on the 2-year anniversary of his prognosis. I had called to congratulate him that he had officially outlived the best-case scenario and that everything from here on out was a bonus. Gracious as always, he quickly reminded me that 75 was the target…not 68. Mind over matter. Dennis did not lose his battle with cancer; he simply went to be with his Creator.