A Lesson on Real Change from My 13-year-old

Note: I originally wrote this article seven years ago and posted in my company’s internal Enterprise Social Platform. Then I published it as a LinkedIn article. And now... I've decided to resurrect it on my LinkedIn newsletter. I've kept the original wording so any references to timelines/ages are obviously not accurate. The lessons I learned are as relevant today as they were seven years ago...

The Back Story

My 13-year-old son has been asking my wife and I for a phone (i.e., Smart Phone) for the past year or so. We have refused for multiple reasons: he doesn't need one right now, it's a huge distraction, and it would be extra money we could be spending on other more useful things. But reason and logic can't stop a 13 year old when all his classmates have a phone! So here's a glimpse into a typical conversation:

Son: Dad, I need a cell phone!

Me: Why?

Son: So I can call you from school in case of an emergency.

Me: Wouldn't a teacher, the nurse or the principal be able to call us?

Son: Well...yeah, but what if I need something?

Me: Aren't there phones in the classroom that you can ask to use? Or can't you ask to borrow one of your friends' phones to give me a quick call?

Son: Well...yeah...

Me: So you don't really need a phone...you want a phone?

Son: Well...yeah...

Me: Why?

Son: Well...

I won't bore you with the back and forth, and many times circular, conversations. I’m sure you get the drift. If you have kids you know that this request wasn't once and done. It was frequent! And he could turn anything into an opportunity to bring up the subject. For example, he modified the lyrics to his favorite song so it included a request for a phone. And he sang it to me at every opportunity. When we want something badly, the creative juices sure can flow can't they?!

The Birth of Change

Recently, a good friend of my son, I’ll call him ‘Joe’, got a phone. During the summer, my son spent a lot of time with this friend. My son began complaining that Joe was glued to his phone “all the time” and didn't spend time with him anymore. One day, I come home from work and out of the blue he says, "Dad, I don't want a phone anymore." Shocked, I asked why. He said, "I don't want to become like Joe." ** I have modified some details to conceal the true identity of 'Joe'

I was impressed, and proud, that he was aware enough to see what caused his friend to interact, socialize and play less. And more than that, to not want this negative behavior for himself! He has not brought up the subject of a phone since then. That's real change.

The Point

Real change can't happen unless we feel its impact, either positive or negative. I used logic and reason with my son. I even sited research showing the impact of heavy use of technology on children's brains. But any amount of hearing and even seeing the data had no impact, mostly because he rationalized that he wouldn't use it as much as everyone else does! Only through experiencing the impact could he realize what I had been trying to tell him.

A key component of experiencing the impact is being aware of the impact. We can experience something without even being aware of it's impact on us. So developing an awareness and sensitivity to change is key.

What About Us?

Before you chuckle about how kids do this, take a moment to reflect. As adults, are we any different? We've just become more sophisticated at rationalizing our decisions and choices despite hard data and facts (and often despite what we say). We often don't change our behavior or thinking unless we experience something that shows us we're wrong. Even then, if we're not paying attention and are not slowing down so we can be more aware, we can still miss the necessary change.

I've found that more often than not, negative life experiences expose how we have become what I call Confidently Wrong. This is described in a quote attributed to Mark Twain:

“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble; it's what you know for sure that just ain't so.”

So What Can We Do?

Being aware of impact of change is key, But how do we do this? Here are some thoughts:

Allow time for reflection. Slow down. Stop. Schedule regular time. This isn't analysis, it's reflection. Reflect on the emotions you're feeling and why. Reflect on your attitude: is it positive or negative? Why? What one step can you take today to move toward a positive attitude? Think about what lessons you could learn from the changes occurring around you. We navigate change as individuals which impacts our teams, departments, and the organization as a whole. But don't go it alone...

Focus on people and relationships. Yes, tasks must get done, but serving the needs of others enables us to see more deeply and with more empathy, and establishes deeper relationships to help withstand some of the pain that change can bring. At its core, the pain points of change are people-related, not task, project, process, or organization-related. We lead through relationships.

Become part of the solution. You're either part of the problem or part of the solution. Choose wisely! Change is difficult. You don't have to like it but you can embrace it. Use your influence to drive change. Spread your positive attitude around. Share the lessons you've learned. Find at least one value the change brings and become its evangelist. A note on influence: if you don't believe you have influence, see Acts of Daily Leadership.

For Reflection (& Feedback)

What do you do to ensure you are aware of the impact of change in your life?

How do we enable or create an environment at work (or at home or in our communities) where experiential change is created? Is it even possible?

In case you're wondering... my son is now 15 and just got a phone because he started working. Originally, we told him he would get one when he started driving. Getting a job changed that reasoning. But it’s strictly text and talk (and limited at that) with no Wi-Fi or data. He will need to earn the privilege of “upgrading”.

?? Read this, and more, on my Substack publication ??