Lesson from Shishu Mandir: Idealism, Hypocrisy and Hedonism

I have been part of Shishu Mandir leadership team for more than 15 years now. Running a Non-profit teaches you several lessons. 2017-2108 was the seminal year for me in terms of learning. Four events happened in quick succession which allowed me to reflect and learn.

1. A mother gave her 2 year old for adoption. She came back again after few weeks and said she cannot live without her and took the child back. After few months, she married another man, came back and gave the child to Shishu Mandir again for putting the child for adoption.
2. A bright MBA student from Assam, India who was studying in Bangalore came to Shishu Mandir and handed her 11 day old child.
3. A pregnant woman from Middle East came and lived with us at Shishu Mandir, gave birth to a child and left the child at Shishu Mandir. Some of the middle east countries prohibit abortion and also punish for having children out of wedlock. An unmarried pregnant woman in some of the countries in middle east doesn't have a choice except to deliver and leave the baby in a foreign country.
4. A father came and gave his 3 month child. Mother died after the child birth and he said he cannot take care of the child anymore.

All the children mentioned above have been adopted by parents subsequently. Children brought joy and meaning to the families who adopted them.

Parting with your own child for good is an emotional churning experience for parents. I learnt several things from observing these experiences and blog is to document the lessons.

1. Never Judge anybody: Mothers in the above cases have made the decision balancing what they want from their life, what is best for their kid and their capacity to take care of the child. Are mothers parting their child because child is coming in the way of they reaching their potential or they are parting because they know that they cannot live up to responsibility or child is a burden they cannot deal with right now? India has relatively liberal abortion laws. Why did the mother went ahead with giving birth to child as opposed to going for abortion? All the above 4 events can be thought of both as selfish and selfless acts at the same time. I saw from close quarters the moral, emotional churn as they make these decisions. House Mothers handle the situation very well. I learnt from them that one is better off always to stay away from judging others. It will help with empathy and more importantly allows you to see the reality as it is without any varnish. Reality is sometimes very uplifting and sometimes it fills you with revulsion. It is what it is. Who are we to judge anyway? We all are just a speck in the wind and world doesn't wait for any judgement. This is equally applicable in workplace. Best is to not judge anybody and move forward with unhindered positivity. This is not to say that you should not call out when needed or push and encourage others to be better. All these can be done well when you restrain yourself from judging others.
2. Idealism and hypocrisy go together: Very few have spiritual capacity to be ideal on sustained basis since very few are free from temptation and fear. Some parents who come for adoption think that they are doing something better for society by adopting a child. They are generally the first ones to complain how difficult it had been to take care of a child after they adopt. Idealism is easy to preach and difficult to practice since it calls for a lot more courage and sacrifice. In my life as well, more I tried to be ideal, more I became a hypocrite. Reason is idealism is higher expectations of yourself and very soon you will find you are not able to live up to it which is when pride comes into play not allowing you to admit that you are found wanting leading to hypocrisy especially when you try to hide it. Circle of idealism, pride and hypocrisy is something everybody goes through. In running a Non-profit, you meet lot of people who aspire to be ideal but haven't thought through the costs. Having said that you rather have aspiration to be ideal and fall short as opposed to not aspiring at all. I learnt that you should aspire to be best version of yourself but allow yourself the space and time to be fallible. Best is not to push too hard but not lose sight of the ideal you aspire to. I found that the best way forward is neither to profess nor hide the ideal you are aspiring to. Lesson is that you are setting yourself to be hypocrite when you profess to be ideal.
3. Do not Legislate "good" behavior: True freedom is when everybody is allowed to discover themselves, adjust and improve. Middle East has these stringent laws to protect women and children from future stigma and neglect but unfortunately in the process they criminalized human failings. I learnt that true healing happens when individuals had opportunity to look themselves in the mirror, dislike what they see and set to correct themselves. Criminalization stunts this transformation and assumes good behavior can be achieved by fear and incentives. This is not to say that laws are not important but they should be kept to minimum and too much legislation would mean that people would find solutions outside the system leaving everybody worse off. Same applies in organizations. Best is to invest in tools where employee has opportunity to see himself in the mirror in terms of skills and leadership ability as opposed to creating rules and governing process at the outset.
4. Hedonism: Ethical theory that pleasure is the highest good and one rather be unapologetic instead of being a hypocrite has lot of merit. In my observation though, gratification one experiences by helping others lasts far longer and permeates much deeper. Shishu Mandir with annual operating expense of around $1 million running entirely on unsolicited donations is a good example. Reason is people visit Shishu Mandir, volunteer, donate, cherish and relish the experience and share the experience with others thereby bringing more people to fold. Gratification lasts much longer so much so that people who volunteered for Shishu Mandir keep coming back. Reason people gravitate towards religion for example is that they want meaning and purpose in life than just serving themselves. Shishu Mandir stays away from religion but made the point around religion to drive home the lesson that Hedonism cannot satiate the human's quest for purpose and meaning based on my experience.

Shishu Mandir gave me a platform to learn several things. Learning still continues......