A Lesson From Dating That Can Be Used by Hiring Managers; Perfect is the Enemy of Great

Due to the Great Resignation, companies have been scrambling to find and retain great talent. But are companies creating the problems they complain about? Is there really not enough of a talent pool out there to fill all those roles?

Maybe it is time to explore the experience of many candidates, including myself. In this article, I will provide you with a candidate’s perspective and things to consider if you’re struggling to find the right people.

Does this scenario sound familiar?

You are out for coffee with a friend. She is telling you all about this guy she just went out on a date with. To you, he sounds great! Knowing how much your friend wants to be in a committed relationship and deserves someone fantastic, you are crossing your fingers that this works out. Your friend tells you that she doesn't plan on seeing them again. 

“Wait, what? Why not? What is it exactly that this person did wrong?” 

She explains her "list". Her list is particular. Her future partner must make X amount of money, own a home, have a master's degree, be at a certain level in their career, have a six-pack, etc.

You're looking at your friend sideways. 

1) It seems incredibly unrealistic for anyone to have all those things.

2) She doesn’t meet half of those criteria herself. Why is she asking this of another person?

3) All of the items are about external achievements and accolades, but who are they as a person? For example, how kind are they? How do they treat others? What is their communication style? You know, things that matter when it comes down to it.

It's great to have standards and high expectations, but being too rigid means you can miss out on someone great! 

I would know. About eight years ago, I told my friends about this guy I met. After telling them all about him, I said I didn't think I was interested in him and wanted to cut it off. I didn't have a super concrete reason, just that he wasn't living up to this potential imaginary partner I had in my head. Fortunately, I had grounded, happily married girlfriends who were willing to question me.

My friends tilted their heads sideways. One said, "Are you sure? He sounds great." 

Because I valued their opinion, I took their advice to heart and kept our upcoming date. Thank goodness my friends saw something I couldn't see yet, or I would not be marrying my soon-to-be husband this summer! 

Ultimately, what my friends did was shine a light on me. It was me, not the person I was dating; that was the problem. When I was able to look at the core of who my partner was and see his drive and ambition versus his current career and his core values and characteristics as a person, I realized the person in front of me was exactly who I was looking for. 

Applying for jobs is just like dating. Unfortunately, companies and hiring managers are the picky friend in this scenario, with unrealistic expectations who prioritize the wrong things in potential candidates. 

Seeing for Strengths 

Perhaps it's in my nature, but I have always seen the potential and talent in people. When I started my career, I had the opportunity to hire teenagers to work at Boston Children's Museum. A young man used to come into a community center I worked at before I started at the Museum. He left such an impression on me. His energy, smile, sense of humor, and playfulness were contagious. When I had the opportunity to bring on new staff a year later, I KNEW we had to hire him. He would be perfect! 

Fortunately, there were some arbitrary requirements in place that my manager allowed me to amend because he didn’t “fit” all the requirements. It was one of the best hires we made, and everyone at the Museum agreed. Three years later, he was selected to represent the Museum with our CEO to receive an award distributed by First Lady Michelle Obama. It was an incredible honor considering they were the only two individuals allowed to represent and attend the ceremony. Watching the event on the live stream, you could tell the First Lady was mesmerized by him. She gave him TWO hugs. Which led to a new affectionate nickname where we called him "Two hug Tom (not his real name, but it did start with a T)." 

Later in my career, I became an instructor and career coach in a workforce development program for adult learners. Most of my students were older immigrants who were underemployed. They were hoping that by participating in our program, they would be able to transition to a new career with more financial opportunities to support their families better. I loved helping our students reframe their experiences and skills. For example, many viewed being an English Language Learner as a deficit when in reality, it was a strength! That means they spoke two (usually more than two!) languages. They were comfortable getting uncomfortable and willing to learn and make mistakes.

Additionally, coming from another country to the United States took courage and bravery! The same courage and bravery they tapped into will help them step into their new industry. Those are just a few examples of how we worked on reframing their experiences and identifying transferable skills. I hoped that employers could see the same strengths and potential I saw in them. 

Possibly my background as an applied positive psychology practitioner has primed me to see strengths in people. I loved finding the "diamond in the rough" when I hired teenagers. The ones who didn't excel at school because classrooms weren't designed to enable their skills and strengths. I knew the Museum was the perfect environment for the "class clown" or the "talks too much" teen. Or the quiet one who seemed a little shy for a customer service role but ended up being the team leader who led by example. 

All of the roles I had where I truly thrived were where my managers believed in my potential. They gave me the support I needed to help get to where I was to where they knew I could go. They provided me with the opportunity and support to succeed. It's one of the reasons I am so passionate about my chosen field of learning and development. I love being the person in my organization and on my team that can offer someone a workshop or a piece of information that helps them do something or be someone they didn't know they were capable of doing or being. I get to help people see themselves again for the first time. It is a true gift, and I believe it to be my calling in life.

I think about all the roles I DIDN'T get (and there are plenty). Ones that I really, really wanted. There was one I cried over for MONTHS over. I would tear up every single time I thought about it. Sometimes I still cry about it because I am in love with the company, but then I feel pathetic because who cries about A JOB?! (Generation Z would be so disappointed in me.) I applied to that company THREE TIMES. I spent HOURS memorizing a presentation I had to do in my interview. The second time they asked me to apply for a specific role. I spent 40 hours writing train the trainer materials for the interview assignment (all unpaid, by the way).

After I didn’t get accepted the second time and had a call set up with them for feedback and hopefully keep the door open for future opportunities, my sister-in-law put her foot down. She is someone I respect as she runs a 150-person department for a global advertising firm. She said to me, "I don't understand. Why do they keep asking you for more? If they want you to apply again, what more do they need to know about you that they don't already know (from previous interviews and assignments)?" I could sense the frustration in her voice for me. The final time I applied, I ended up withdrawing my application. They asked me to repeat the same time-consuming memorization of the exact presentation I had done years prior (which they also had on video) and gave me less than 24 hours to do it. The feedback I received initially was that I aced that portion. Why did I have to do it again? This time, I put my foot down. I wasn’t going back to what was feeling like an uneven and semi-abusive relationship. I wanted to walk away with my self-worth and esteem still intact.

I am grateful I never got those roles. If the candidate's experience is that poor, it can't be that great of a place to work. I wouldn't have grown if someone had hired me and didn't believe in my ability and potential for growth. Period.

Is the grass really greener?

I would love for companies and hiring managers to realize that no “perfect” candidate is coming to fill your role. Whenever someone shares they didn’t get a role the typical response from people that know them is, "It's their loss." Although that is true, it is a candidate’s loss too. I truly believe people want to work. Part of psychological well-being is the feeling of competence. What they don't want is to work in toxic environments and cultures. 

As a candidate, though, we can too easily fall into the trap that "the grass is greener on the other side." Recently, Adam Grant did an episode for his WorkLife podcast called "The Not-So-Great Resignation." He shared data from a recent survey that said 7 out of 10 Millennials and Gen Zs regretted quitting their jobs. I have certainly been there, leaving what I thought was one lousy work environment for another. I have another dating analogy for another blog post about that for another day.  

As an employee, it took me about ten years to conclude that my expectations were too high for my employer. It led me to feel disappointed and let down, leading to being disgruntled at work. I found much more contentment in the workplace when I realized that there is NO perfect company, just like there is no perfect job candidate. I shifted my perspective and expectations for work. As someone who lives to work, I struggle to embrace a work-to-live mentality, but I am getting there. 

If I can accept that you, the company, have flaws and areas for growth, I think you can accept that I (and other candidates) do too. And that's okay! As long as we are alive, we have the most critical skill that any company should prioritize, the ability to learn and grow. If you are expecting perfection, you might miss out on "the best you ever had" *Drake voice*, scrolling through LinkedIn, regretting the one that got away.  

Hiring Managers: How are you assessing transferable skills to broaden and diversify your talent pool? What are the challenges you are finding when it comes to hiring?

Candidates: Are you a candidate are you finding you’ve been passed over for a role because a company is looking for the “perfect” candidate? Share your story in the comments!