The Lesson

(This is written for someone in particular but many people in, well, particular as well. I truly didn't understand it untill last night when all of a sudden, by random events in conjunction, the type of string of coincidences that only come from a God or Universal and Unknowable Intelligence, threw it all in my face. I am still trying not to cry while thinking about it and I have no idea how to properly appologize as I think in relation to my actions, promises from me mean nothing)

The minute you walked out, I felt my life was far from full

You're right I didn't understand, it didn't get through my skull

I was blinded by pure selfishness that my ego refused to see

Oceans of pain washed me ashore where I would've needed me

Concern for my own life had faded though I wished all others well

I was preparing a Heaven for you while constructing my own Hell

After all I had long concluded my life meant less than a hill of beans

If I could've looked through your eyes and see what you had seen

My past was one of terror in which I had quite willingly taken part

The sins I had committed would disgust the most forgiving heart

For that was as far as I could see, my vision ended with my past

And thus was reckless in my actions, makeing promises out my ass

The present was like my future: dark, unknown and still to come

You begged me to hear and see the then but I acted deaf and dumb

So then in frustration you yelled and screamed and so I turned away

Then with amazement you just gave up while I begged for you to stay

As a fool I never felt the place I held inside of everyone else's heart

Had not realized the hollowness they would feel if I was to depart

Intent I was on punishing myself, my penance to God was only greed

I didn't grasp to some I was more than a "friend", I had become a "need".

I was far more than just a place to be, another person who could care

I couldn't understand the consequences to those I loved if I wasn't there

So, like an idiot I blamed you, for though my pain may indeed be real

It distracted me from my greatest strength, compassion for how you feel

I truly understand now, though I have since done more foolish things

Which is why I expect forgiveness as much as one day an angel's wings

So I understand why if now you're gone, I shan't expect you to return

I'll just add it to the long list of sins for which I'll one day surely burn

Yet that burning in eternal fire I must strive to place in days far far away

Perhaps it took the pain of your leaving for me to realize why I must stay

There are some I know whose pain is so great this world is truly Hell

Yet my love provides them brief respite, my presence makes them well

God bless you.