The Problem in Speaking with Emotional Authority - Our top 4 psychological needs & the 2 competencies (Social Science ABC’s of Influence - Lesson B)

This morning my client laugh-sighed, "Speaking of this weekend's Kentucky Derby, I feel like I'm running like a thoroughbred headlong down the back stretch trying to get my competency seen. ?It's not working. No one is seeing it, no matter how fast I run! Maybe I should slow down."

"I know what you mean," I replied. Our top 2 competency categories: logical & emotional, relate to Maslow's top 4 psychological needs : survival, safety, belonging, esteem, self-actualization – aka security, freedom, love, respect, worth. When these are met, then we experience fulfillment--and whether we realize it or not, we are driven by and to get them. But why so hard to have them met? Could it be all this speaking with emotional authority?

As we spoke about in Lesson A – most of us do not understand that, like gravity, we live under 3 points of view: my eyes, their eyes & the KPIs.?And that our own perspective is a limited perspective—with biases, misjudgments, and blind spots that we may not see—esp. that we may be limited to seek only our own security, freedom, respect & worth, not to meet those needs in others. So, we remain in the grip, like a panther in a cage, not realizing that to get our own needs met, we need to do the same for others.

To be specific, we need to meet others’ 2 categories of competencies: logical & emotional. If others feel unseen or unsafe in these areas with you, they are unlikely to hire, promote, share, or continue to engage.

This is the problem with speaking with emotional authority, it too often disses other’s competence: e.g.,

·???????“I was super successful at achieving business outcomes.”

·???????“I could do any job. I’m confident I could add value to your organization.”

·???????“Do it because I told you to. Now. That’s the last I want to hear on it.”

·???????“No, that’s not what you really meant, you really just wanted to …”

·????????“You take things too hard. You shouldn’t - or can't - be mad because I said you were dumb in that meeting.”

Now do those emotional-influence statements make you, the audience, feel related, competent, free, secure, or worthy? Or do you feel perhaps the opposite: patronized, dismissed, pushed away, or rolled over, and, though you may nod, you have not been influenced positively.

Consider that beneath each of the above is the hidden statement – “you should believe my perspective over your own” – it is a command, with no evidence – and implication that I do not offer the same standard to you. Perhaps why I always say as I did this morning to my client, “Should-land is a lot like Shondaland – except Shondaland is More real.” Not as real as this poor young woman starting to realize how hard influence can be!

A “should” rarely or only barely convinces You to stop over-working, or smoking or drinking, or to eat more vegetables, start a new workout routine, take advice ??, or clean out the garage.

If your emotions alone with no logic don’t convince You reliably, how will they convince others - especially of a hard to accept hypothesis, like I’m the best one out of 5+ candidates for this job or promotion? Or do it the way I tell you. Would they convince a judge?

Perhaps instead, let’s try speaking with competence. Let’s engage the emotions & logic of those that we want to serve, and then perhaps we will experience fulfillment by “showing” our competency rather than claiming it.

If you have wo/mansplained or lectured, don’t beat yourself up - Most of us don’t know our top 4 psychological needs. After all, are an individual’s security, freedom, respect & worth human rights in families, institutions, or societies?

Overturning of Roe v. Wade will add to the 140M struggling poor in the U.S. , one paycheck away from disaster – not secure, free, or respected for their *essential work or worth. There are even child brides in America. How can this be? Is it all just from blindness to the points of view beyond our own?

In Social Science Lesson C, I will tackle one of the biggest barriers to learning to give all humans the gift of engaging their competencies, emotional & logical - as I hope I have done yours here.

So, until then, gird your loins/strengthen your spine, recharge, and then lean in to up-leveling your influence on others' security, freedom, respect & worth – & thus experience more of your own. ;) Good luck!?