Less is more: How a master of verbal restraint builds influence

“I just call it like I see it, and let the chips fall where they may.”

“I always say what’s on my mind. If you don’t like it, too bad, because it’s just who I am.”

Have you met this person? Are you this person?

At first blush, it seems rather liberating to be the type of person who’s so centered on their own truth and secure in their confidence that they can say whatever is on their mind, regardless of the impact to others. I’m a recovering version of this person and used to think that quiet personalities were weaker or just plain wimpy. Speak up! What’s on your mind? Don’t you have an opinion? Life is short—say what you mean so everyone knows where you stand.

But I’ve come to believe the “call it like they see it” people are, in fact, often quite selfish. These people can masquerade as truth tellers or relentless callers-out, and try to act as others’ social consciences. I don’t buy it, because I have some experience with this type of person. I was their mascot for years. I was the proverbial shock jock, the “mouth,” the person who had few (if any) verbal boundaries. I never really thought about the consequences of hurting someone (perhaps I did but just ignored them), because speaking up and righting perceived wrongs were more satisfying. Perhaps that’s the reflection: saying whatever you want, whenever you want can be quite immediately satisfying…when you ignore the future carnage.

Here’s what I’ve come to understand. The difference between impulsively sharing what’s on your mind and caring about other’s feelings and sensitivities is called respect. It takes restraint. Many would argue, perhaps fairly, that society has become too politically correct. Accommodating every point of view has become so widespread that sharing any perspective that might seem polarizing is uncouth. And I live in a culture (Utah) that many view as too respectful—so respectful that often what might be a snoozer topic on the East Coast (where I was raised) is often undiscussable out here.

Let’s talk about a superb model of how to do this right, FranklinCovey’s CEO and chairman, Bob Whitman.

Bob earned the finest education available, has worked unrelentingly to become an expert in several industries, and has been massively successful in multiple businesses. He’s a voracious reader and ceaselessly curious about current events. He’s also a dedicated family man with an honorable reputation in his church and community. With this background and successes, you’d think he’s learned a few lessons (indeed), have an opinion or two about life (which I am sure is the case), and earned the right to share them at will.

But Bob has mastered the discipline of verbal restraint. Maybe it’s come with age or is just the result of much practice. But I’m inclined to believe it’s actually quite simple. Bob cares about people and understands the power of words to build people up or tear them down. Bob is a careful guy. He’s deliberate. He means what he says and says what he means. Bob carefully chooses his words. I don’t mean he speaks especially slowly or methodically; he just employs some communication principles that I’ll call out here:

1. Exercising restraint. Bob rarely has regret, because he suppresses impulse like nobody I’ve ever encountered. He subordinates the immediate to the enduring. Simply stated—he thinks before he speaks and knows there are consequences from not doing so. I’ve seen him graciously excuse himself from an intense/disappointing meeting or conversation and take some time to refocus. I don’t know for sure, but I suspect he’s centering himself so he doesn’t end up owing apologies (which I’ve also seen him offer effortlessly when needed).
2. Loyal to the absent. I’ve known Bob for 20 years and have never once witnessed him disparage someone, either in their presence—or more impactfully—in their absence. This principle, “be loyal to the absent,” was named and popularized by Dr. Covey. Speaking about people who are absent as if they were present is not easy, but Bob does not waver. He suspends judgment and resists the social norm to minimize or gossip about someone, even when the mood or culture is the opposite. If you watch him carefully, he also doesn’t grab the moral high ground to make an example of others. Instead he sets an example, by either noticeably changing the topic or gently inviting others to talk to that person directly, as he intends to do himself.
3. The combination of these two naturally elevates the dialogue in a group. Bob models these two principles so consistently that it sets the standard for all around him, even when he’s not around.

Now that’s influence—to behave in a way because you want to raise to someone else’s standard, which becomes your own.

I’m not advocating becoming mute. Say what’s important to you. Just remember to exercise a bit of deliberation before you do, as you think about the consequences your words have on others.

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Click here to read my previous article on what I learned from Stephen R. Covey about how to take things slow with people.