Lend Me Your EAR: Navigating Conversations with Authenticity and Meaning

By Ray Griffin

Today’s leadership landscape requires communication that is authentic and meaningful. We coach leaders to be truly present in our interactions. All conversational connections don’t have to be heavy or soul-searching, but we all want genuine connections. We all want to be valued for what we are thinking and have to say. I think of the phrase “lend me your EAR” because even in a brief conversation, there are some basic tools that any leader can easily employ to increase their influence. From hallway conversations to 1:1’s, you can enhance the power of your presence. To develop our listening skills, let’s use our EAR:

Erase Distractions - Have you been in a conversation with someone who is glancing at their phone, tapping their smartwatch, or glancing past your shoulder? It is too easy in our digital world to show that we are not focused on the person right in front of us. Remove distractions and take advantage of truly focusing.?

Here are a few suggestions for erasing distractions:?

When you meet with someone for lunch or coffee or at an office table or desk, do not put your phone out. This simple step can keep you from the normal urge to look at the screen when it lights up or hear the vibration when it rattles the table. When you are talking with someone, resist the urge to look at your smartwatch - even for a brief moment - as it communicates negatively more than what is desired about our attention. Another suggestion comes from my dear friend on connecting with his family. On arriving home from work, he leaves his smart devices in his car or in another room until he’s had time to catch up and talk with family.

Attend - A core skill of counseling is attending, which is the basic art of focusing and listening well. We want to attend to what the person is saying verbally and non-verbally. The goal is to connect naturally and with ease, not too intently, not staring, etc.?

Here are two ways to attend to the other person well:?

One, watch your non-verbals as crossed arms, looking stern or bored obviously aren’t going to help the person share more. Instead, a relaxed posture aimed toward them in a standing or seated position will communicate an open presence. A simple tool is to glance at your feet, are they pointed to the person or away from them??

Second, tap into very basic listening feedback like nodding your head and using extremely simple audible feedback like, “um hmm” and “I hear you.” None of these are meant to be terms of agreement but simple responses that keep the person talking. As you know, sometimes people can say some harmless but very bizarre things. In those moments, I have been coached to say, “Isn’t that something?” because, in the end, whatever they've shared is a true statement!?

Respond - Notice the most basic listening skills are not about what you have to say. Authentic connection has at its heart mining what the other person has to say. You are dipping the bucket of conversation into their well and pulling it out. Listening for understanding has, at its heart, reflecting back to the person what they have said. We are avoiding the pitfall of waiting until they have finished talking to share our own thoughts and opinions, correct them, or debate. Yes, those things are certainly a part of communicating and can happen later, but the most powerful first step is to actually have heard the other person.?

Here are some things to try in responding:?

First and most importantly, resist the urge to share what you think. At this stage, we are focusing on listening, not what you have to say. Are you making the mistake of waiting for them to take a breath so you can say what you want to say??

Second, focus instead on what they have said. Reflect back on what you have heard. You don’t have to be a “robot” or a “parrot,” but simply give back a word or a phrase that sums up what they have shared. You could reflect back on something very simple to keep them going. Let’s say they share that a project at work is stalled and a teammate is not cooperating. Reflecting back, “That sounds so frustrating” or “It doesn’t sound like your teammate is helping” can do wonders. It lets the other person know you are paying attention. Even if your reflection is wrong, it gives them a chance to clarify, which lowers the bucket in the well of conversation again. Let’s say it’s a lighter hallway conversation about a recent holiday. Responding authentically with a “sounds like you had a great one” or “it seems like that was pretty stressful” communicates your connection more than you know.?

Listening skills do not sharpen automatically. In our coaching, we ask leaders to consider, “What’s it like to be on the other side of you?” As you look in that leadership mirror:

• Do you see a good listener??
• Do you see a person who interrupts or dominates conversations??
• Do you see someone who tolerates others talking for a while, only waiting to share your own story or even “one up” a tale??
• Do you see someone who is distracted by thoughts or devices?
• Do you see someone who likes to argue or counterpoint in order to “win” conversations??
• Do you see someone who models healthy connection and understanding?

Let's strive to be better listening leaders by using simple tools like EAR. Please let us know if we can help you in your leadership journey. Take care - Ray