The Legacy You Didn't Choose

Hey, Dads,

Let’s talk about something that’s probably been on your mind lately - the way you show up for your kids. Maybe it’s after a long day when you catch yourself snapping, or that quiet moment when you wonder if you’re doing this dad thing right.

Philip Larkin nailed it in his poem "This Be The Verse":

"They f** you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you."*

It stings, doesn’t it? Because deep down, you know there’s truth in it. You’ve felt it, the weight of your own parents’ choices bearing down on you. It’s like a shadow you can’t quite shake. And without even realising it, you’re passing some of that same weight onto your own kids. It’s not about blame or shame, but about awareness.

The Science Behind the Weight You Carry

You didn’t come into this world a blank slate. Science backs up Larkin’s blunt truth with the concept of epigenetics, showing us that stress, trauma, and even habits are passed down through generations. You see, your brain is wired by experience, both yours and your ancestors’. Studies show that traumatic experiences, even a few generations back, can alter gene expression and be passed down .

Let’s dig into neuroplasticity for a moment. Your brain? It’s constantly adapting, shifting. The habits you inherited, the behaviours you saw growing up, they’re not set in stone. But, without conscious effort, they get passed down like a family heirloom you didn’t ask for. You might catch yourself reacting to your kids the way your dad reacted to you, even when you promised yourself you’d be different. Sound familiar? Neuroplasticity tells us that with effort and focus, we can rewire those inherited patterns .

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) explains how the thoughts and beliefs you carry (the ones your parents likely passed on) shape your behaviour. This isn’t just academic; it’s the daily reality you live with. You’ve got these deep-rooted beliefs, maybe about how a "real man" behaves or what success should look like. And these beliefs? They impact not just you, but how you parent. CBT has been proven to help shift these thoughts, so you can consciously shape your behaviours, and in turn, your children's experiences .

What Does This Look Like in Real Life?

It’s late. You’re exhausted, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. The house is quiet, but your mind’s racing. You’re thinking about the day, how you lost your temper over something small, or maybe how you weren’t present because work was pulling you in a million directions. And then the guilt sets in. But you push it aside, just like you always do. Because that’s what you learned growing up, isn’t it? You toughen up, push through, carry on.

Your kids see that. They feel it. They’re soaking up everything you do, just like you did with your dad. Stress? It’s contagious. And it’s not just emotional - it’s biological. Studies show that elevated cortisol (the stress hormone) doesn’t just mess with your head, it affects your kids too . That’s the cycle we’re talking about.

"Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself."

Larkin’s final lines, dark as they are, point to the depth of inherited patterns. But here’s where science offers hope.

Breaking the Cycle

I have some good news: neuroplasticity means change is possible. You can rewire the way you react, the way you think. Setting boundaries with your own emotions, without feeling guilty about it, is the first step. It’s not about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming present.

Your dad may not have had the tools. He probably didn’t know about things like emotional intelligence or how to communicate vulnerability. But you do. You’ve got the power to break this cycle, to raise kids who are emotionally aware and resilient, who don’t carry the same baggage you’ve been lugging around for years. And science backs that up too. Studies on emotional regulation show that being aware of and managing your emotions can break generational patterns .

What This Means for You

Fellas, I know how much you want to get this right. You want to be the dad who’s there, fully present, who’s not just playing a role but truly living it. But there’s that nagging feeling you’re stuck - stuck repeating patterns, stuck juggling too much, stuck in a cycle of stress that feels impossible to break.

You’re not alone in this.

You’ve been conditioned to believe you need to carry it all. But what if there’s another way? A way to show up with confidence and emotional control, to set boundaries with purpose, and to lead your family without sacrificing your sanity?

Ready to Shift?

Look, this isn’t just about being a better dad. It’s about being a better you. If you’re ready to change the narrative, to stop letting the past dictate how you show up for your kids and your life, then let’s talk.

I offer a free Breakthrough Session where we can dive into the habits and beliefs that are keeping you stuck. No pressure. Or a virtual cuppa where we can have an informal chat to see if I can help. Imagine what it would feel like to finally lead your life, and your family, the way you’ve always wanted to.

Ready to break the cycle?

Head to my featured section and book a call.

Science Sources:

• Epigenetics and Generational Trauma: You can read more about how trauma is passed down through generations here
• Neuroplasticity: Learn how your brain can adapt and change throughout life by visiting this article here
• CBT: Discover how Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helps reshape thinking patterns here .
• Cortisol and Stress: Find out how stress impacts the body here .