Leave Your Ego at the Door

By Lindy Earl

In my early years, one of the worst insults a person could receive was being called conceited. It meant you were just too full of yourself and had a huge ego. To be conceited was horrible but it could leave you with false modesty. Even worse, as you struggled to not be conceited, you might instead go in the other direction and have to deal with low self-esteem. Balancing feelings of worth against an overblown ego was a tricky dance.

Then we have the generation of participation trophies, where everyone is a winner. In truth, every game has one winner. You can, however, learn a lot from losing: good sportsmanship, how to improve your skills and abilities, that you need to practice more, or that you need to decide if you really want to excel at a particular game.

In life, however, sometimes it’s not just a game. We have people who win and lose in life.?They get the job they want, or not. They are able to buy the car or house that they want, or not. They get to date the person to whom they’re attracted, or not.

Dating later in life is a whole other game. By the second, or maybe third, time around we have all been hurt and all bring baggage into every potential relationship. Maybe dating is designed to keep me from getting a big head. Being ignored or ghosted truly brings me back to reality. They just weren’t interested in me. Was it something I did? Didn’t do? We find ourselves questioning ourselves, rather than the situation, which plays havoc with our egos and emotions.

You might want to stop and ask yourself if you really need to date, and if so, why? A friend told me yesterday that he still dates because he simply enjoys female companionship. The guy doesn’t sleep around and he’s not into one night stands. He truly enjoys dating because it means spending time with the fairer sex. I understand that.

I don’t need to date, as needs go. I can have a miserable time all by myself and not have to sit through dinner with somebody else to do it. Okay, that was a joke, but if you are laughing then you have been there. We don’t need to date, but we want to date. Here’s another joke: The definition of dating is when you spend hours preparing to spend 45 minutes wishing you were anywhere else. Or on a date, you find yourself wondering, “How many more times can I pretend to be interested in something that bores me to tears?”

So, why do we date? If you’ve tried a dating website, then you may have found that, at least for a minute, dating can help your ego. In my case, when I finally started dating three years after my divorce, I found it healing. People found me attractive and interesting. That was good for my self-esteem! We are so broken after a break up that we need something good in our lives.

In an amazingly short amount of time, however, dating can destroy our self-esteem and we better leave our egos at the door. Do you think you’re smart? Attractive? In good shape? A good conversationalist? There are others out there with the same characteristics and they live closer to the person in whom you’re interested.

Really? Is distance that much of a factor? I’ve found it is.

What about religion and politics? When somebody posts their affiliations then you need to know that they are important to the person, whether or not they are important to you. Do you really want to be told that a person doesn’t respect you because of your spiritual beliefs? It has happened to me.

I have said before that the best relationship is when both parties feel that they are the lucky one. Rather than believing that you’re doing someone a favor by dating them, you need to realize that you are lucky that they agreed to spend time with you. Some people really believe that they are incredibly fabulous. That ego trip is not going to last. Eventually somebody will get tired of it and a break up quickly deflates an ego.

Then there are those who seem interested, but either don’t call you after claiming interest, or just disappear. The last time I went out with one gentleman he called me a gem and said any guy would be lucky to date me. I never heard from him again.

These things happen all the time. Sometimes the people are players (notice I didn’t say guys because women are players as well) and just want to date as many people as quickly as they can. In truth, we need to feel sorry for these people as they’ll never find fulfillment flitting from relationship to relationship. If they ever choose to settle down it will be difficult for them to convince someone that they have changed.

So, rather than having someone destroy your ego, it’s better to never allow yourself to be conceited in the first place. If you’re getting plenty of dates, then enjoy it, but recognize the blessing for what it is. It could all end tomorrow.

If you’re in a relationship, then invest in the other person with time and interest and worry more about their self-worth than your own. If you’re looking for a relationship, then make sure that you’re not too self-involved and impressed with yourself. Put yourself out there but remind yourself that you’re the lucky one when you find someone to date. Never let a win go to your head, but allow it to go to your heart.