Leave Room for the Superhero

Sometimes, I have to have difficult and crucial conversations with people. As my role has evolved over the last few years, I've had many chances to get it wrong, and several where I've done a better job. It's hard telling someone something that might be hard for them to hear. For instance, how do you tell someone that they have to improve their performance? Or how do you explain that a person's methods are causing others stress? I've got an idea for you.

We Are All The Hero of Our Own Story

No one sit there thinking, "Muahahaha! I'm the villain. I will upset these people by ignoring these people's feedback." And yet, when you're frustrated with how someone else is acting, it sure can feel that way. Especially when you let frustration build over time. If some upsetting experience happens and it bugs you, and then something else, and then it feels like a pattern, it's going to be hard not to think of this person as "bad" or "not a fit" and several other foregone conclusions.

As it happens, we all see ourselves as the hero of our story. This person might see themselves as operating just fine - especially if no one's provided any meaningful feedback. It's fascinating how many people presume mind reading is a super power, so they forget to tell another person their perspective. But I digress.

We think we're the hero. At all times. And so if you're upsetting someone else (or a whole team of someone elses), you might not even be aware of it. Also, while I've got you in this mindset of consideration: other times, the person who bothers you is going through something yucky in their personal life and it might be bleeding over so they're having a harder time being more aware at work. It can happen.

But If The Bothersome Person is the Hero, Then What?

One approach I take when working with someone on a behavior or actions I hope they might adjust to better match their team environment is to remind myself of the following:

• What is the goal of this shift? - What do I want to see happen here from the person in question's perspective?
• How do I disarm the emotions here? - Most times, this is business. There might be emotional triggers powering some of these interactions, but it benefits no party to have these conversations in an emotionally-charged state.
• How can this person be the hero? - This is the real focus of this letter to you. Let's say I'm working with someone who is having trouble transferring their knowledge to the rest of a team effectively. They're doing their job, but they aren't exactly enriching the people around them. (And let's say that's one of the reasons we want the person to work with us.) How do I frame my feedback such that the person can still be the hero and deliver their best, instead of saying things in a way that might feel like an attack and might make them feel bad?

I can tell you that this last one is difficult. It requires lots of learning. The difference between being able to cook a hamburger and deliver a medium rare steak kind of effort. (Or asparagus done just right, not too chewy, for my vegan friends.)

Leave Room for the Superhero

The way I approach this is that I provide my feedback such that I end on the actions I want the person to consider taking, and I phrase all of these from the mindset that this person is a superhero who has a chance to really save the people they serve.

Quick note: I don't mean "sugarcoat it." That's not at all helpful. Instead, I mean, make sure the person has the room to do something that makes them feel good for doing it. And THAT takes a lot of thinking to be able to convey in a useful and non-condescending way.

Should I Show You An Example?

I'll make this up. (I don't mean YOU, if you're reading this. In fact, I'll give myself feedback.)

"Chris, I wanted to talk with you about how you've been running the allhands meetings." <- This first sentence helps the recipient know exactly what we're here to talk about.

"I love your sense of humor, and even more, I love how you've brought some international jokes into play in your hosting. It really makes people in our global company feel seen." <- I don't fully agree with the people who hate the sandwich method of praise. I think it's nice to have some common ground before I point out the issue. I think most people hate too much praise, knowing the "but" is coming.

"Some people feel - and I agree - that the agenda feels a bit 'thrown together,' and that leads to people wondering if you're wasting their time in these meetings. Sure, there's lots of great content, but somehow, it always feels as if you put it together last minute, and that's troublesome." <- Two details to point out. Never say "people have been complaining" unless you also share the concern, and if you do, own that. Never EVER make this a "they" have been talking about you feedback. If you're giving it, own it. Second, notice how I stated the issue and then also pointed out what the results/effects of that issue are with people. "This is the bad thing, and this is what comes of it." That helps people connect the concern with the impact.

"I wonder if we can help people more if you maybe published the agenda a week or two in front of the meeting, so that it gave everyone more time to sit with the information and better anticipate what's coming next. How do you think we can help them feel like the allhands meeting is an important part of their time?"

Look at how I give the person (I, uh, "me" in this example) the control. Maybe you can try something like this. What can you do to make this happen? See? It lets them be the superhero and deliver something of value.

This Doesn't Always Work

I'll be clear: sometimes, this isn't the right approach. There are times when the method required is a lot more direct. "I've heard from some people who've been in meetings with you that you can be a bit combative and argumentative. We need to come up with a better way to express your point of view. Let's talk that through."

See the difference in all ways of the tone and direct approach I used there? If someone's acting outside the company's core values, for instance, but we think they can be salvaged and maybe just had a rough time, this is the perspective I'd want to take.

But if a person is maybe just operating in a somewhat less-than-ideal way, you might give the Superhero perspective some thought. Your "bad" performers are often just people who might need a few shifts and adjustments, and this is one way to help.

Just one way, though. Remember, there are so many considerations. This advice and thought isn't something you can just throw into the mix. And yet, it's almost always useful to imagine a person is a valuable and well-meaning contributor to the team before you provide any challenging feedback.

What do YOU think, hero?

Chris...